Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Here's a sample of what I eat and drink in an average day...
BREAKFAST - Porridge (one of the instant sachet types), then about half an hour later I drink some water and take my vitamins (Multi vit, Multi mineral, antioxidant, CoQ10, Omega oils). I suffered from hairloss for about three months, not drastic but I could notice it, and the BEST thing for it is Omega 3 and 4s. My hair is back to normal now - yay! I don't crush the vitamins, am able to take them normally now with no probs.
SNACK - Coffee (skim milk and splenda), sometimes a mini muffin or fruit
LUNCH - meat and salad sandwich or nachos or half a chicken kebab or small lasagne or leftovers
SNACK - Vitamin water (my new addiction haha!), a mini packet of crisps
DINNER - palm size salmon or steak or chicken with vegies or salad. I don't have potato or rice at dinner, will have pasta once a week and the occasional piece of garlic bread
SNACK - Frosty Fruit icypole or piece of fruit
I know that there are areas needing improvement, and I'm working on it, but I find that the weight loss is still happening without me getting too anal about what I eat. Which is the reason I had this surgery, right??! Yeah! Considering what I USED to put away in a day, well I reckon I am a champion hahahaha! I have takeaway for dinner once a week, hardly ever eat hot chips cause they take up room for not much benefit, I tend to crave protein now and make the effort to eat as much as I can so I don't need protein supplements anymore...love KFC fillets, Red Rooster, grilled fish, breadless chicken kebab. Mmmmmm...now I'm hungry! That's another thing, I don't feel that "starving hungry" pang anymore, even though I have emotional hunger and vague "need to eat smething" hunger. But I don't feel truly hungry anymore.
Apart from the emotional and mental side effects and issues I've had from the weight loss, I have to be honest about the loose skin. IT SUCKS. I get frustrated sometimes, especially with my boobs which used to be excellent haha. I had to buy a padded pushup type bra the other day to squash in all the skin. I will definitely need surgery, the apron flap on my tummy is already causing rashes and discomfort and after losing another 30kg it's gonna be NASTY. If I twist my arm from side to side the flap makes a loud SLAP noise, and I don't like to wear sleeveless tops now. When I was fatter I never cared - weird. I care a lot more now about what I look like, which is probably partly because I am single haha. But I found that being 170kg+ I was invisible, and so large that people tended to skim over me when they looked, whereas now I am in the more "socially acceptable" fat range they feel they can judge!!!
I still recommend the surgery to anyone I feel could benefit, and I recommend the lapband to younger friends who plan to get pregnant someday, or people with less than 30kg to lose. Personally, I am thrilled I chose the sleeve, but it's not for everyone.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Strange fact number two - I've lost 51 kilos, right, yes I know you're sick of me going on and on about it haha. Anyway, the 51 kg of fat has left behind some unsightly scars, marks, loose skin, which is a small price to pay for the brilliant life I have without the fat. But it does make me wonder, how on earth have I ended up feeling sexy and beautiful as I do, when realistically I need a good 25 grand's worth of plastic surgery to fix up my previous overeating errors. I guess it's true what "they" say, that most of our self esteem comes from within, not from what we perceive/see in the mirror. I know I am fitter, healthier and happier than I've ever been and I suppose that projects into my behaviour and my outlook, and the end result is that I feel damn hot lol. It's all relative I guess.
I've had to come to terms over the last few weeks with my age issues. I think losing the weight, and leaving my husband, made me feel as if I'd stepped into a time machine and reverted to age 25. I've been hanging out with some 25-ish-year olds, and you know what - they were children when I started truly living an adult life. They were born during the fab 80s that I'm so fond of. They are on a different path than me, which is terrific, and I know I can still have younger friends and enjoy their company. But I have to accept that I am THIRTY EIGHT. Yes, I am single. Yes, I weigh less now than I did 10 years ago. But I can't go back. In my heart I know I wouldn't want to, even though I occasionally allow myself the luxury of wondering "what if?"
Next year is all about shedding these last 39 kilos, and starting to plan my 40th birthday plastic surgery party haha. And I know that somewhere between now and this time next year I will have worked out what it means to be Lil, Sleever, 38.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Monday, June 30, 2008
Snack: Mars Bar & Coke
Snack: Salt & Vinegar chips
Dinner: 4 slices of pizza and 2 pieces of garlic bread (spread out over an hour or so)
Snack: 2 pieces of cake
The above is not a typical day's eating for me, thank heaven, but it could be. These are all things I can eat comfortably (mostly) and eating them last week resulted in my gaining half a kilo. It serves me right ha ha! I know better than that, and although I have many excuses I know that I have to get back on track and start limiting myself again. The minute things get difficult or stressful for me I want to turn to food as a comfort, even in the small doses I can consume now that is a TERRIBLE idea. Not only will it stop or at least slow down my weight loss, it's nutritional suicide ha ha.
I'm sorry I have been out of the loop for a while. Not much has changed, I think I am starting to adjust to non-married life even though I sometimes feel like I have had a limb amputated. Ten years is a long time to have someone in your corner, I really miss it even though I know everything is happening as it should, for a reason, etc, etc.
I am discovering a transferred addiction - clothes shopping! Lately I've spent bucketloads on new clothes, jewellery, getting my hair done...which is out of character for the person I've been over the last ten years. I think being married I became complacent about those kinds of things, and also as I gained more weight I only survived by thinking of myself as invisible. I never really thought about my appearance, and pretended it was that I was happy with how I looked, when in fact it was the exact opposite. I think I considered myself as non-existent in a physical sense... because I was so out of touch with my body and my image. 50 kilos has made a big difference, even though I am still obese and have another 50kg or so to lose. Shopping for size 20-22 is a hell of a lot easier than trying to squeeze into a stretchy size 26. I actually have to put things back on the rack that are too big!!!!!!!!! Bizarre. But nice!
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
- I have a great relationship with my family and some kick arse friends
- My job is secure and enjoyable and pays pretty well - also is low stress
- My health is greatly improved, both mentally and physically ha ha!
- I am 45 kilos lighter than my 37th birthday
- I am learning stuff about myself and the world every day
Hopefully I will enjoy the day, even though this year I won't be going out for a huge meal (and laying on the couch afterwards like a beached whale) and I don't suppose I will get a present from the former Mr Lil ha! One of my best mates sent me flowers today, which was awesome, and I am taking a cake to work tomorrow to share with the guys there. I guess like every day, birthdays are what you make them, and even though it's going to be a completely different type of celebration, I am determined to celebrate just the same!!
Wish me luck!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
To say it's happened easily is to somewhat gloss over the puking and the emotional battles, but I guess it's kind of like childbirth ha ha!! My friends say that as soon as you have the baby in your arms you forget about the pain and trauma you went through to get that baby!!!! Most of the time I am psyched about the changes in my life, and positive about what's ahead of me, even when the road gets bumpy. It's all true and real -- which is something I avoided in my life for such a long time, and now I have the confidence and strength to take things in my stride and really go for it. I am doing a lot of emotional/psychological work at the moment (boring I know!!), trying to work out how and why I let myself get to this point in my life, and how I can avoid making the same or similar "detours" (I am trying not to think of them as "mistakes" ha ha!). The familiar "all or nothing" drive to be the absolute best or the absolute worst at everything is ever-present, but I am aiming for the middle ground. I know that I can enjoy living in a "normal" state of mind! My life has been a crazy rollercoaster of emotional highs and lows but now I'm growing up and I no longer need to be the extremes of perfect or pathetic, terrific or tragic...
I think my catch phrase or word of the week is BALANCE.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
There are no updates in the marriage dissolution stakes... I think it's called a "stalemate" (which is kind of a semi-accurate yet rather cutting word to describe a divorce now I come to think of it!). I have some appointments with lawyers, banks, etc over the coming weeks, but I am hoping the separation will be fairly amicable as we have neither property nor offpsring to fight over. I think one of the things I have noticed lately is the lack of arguing in my relationship, which I used to believe was a positive thing but now I wonder if it was a sign of general malaise and apathy. I know this guy at work, let's call him Lewis, who is one of the rare people in life who actually tell the truth, no sugar-coating or mollycoddling, and while this truth hurt me somewhat this week (when it was directed at me), in the long run I am a better person for it. Most of my life people have made allowances for me, and lied to me in the misguided notion that it would protect me -- but it doesn't! I ended up suffering from it, and I think my addiction to food was made worse by the people who supposedly loved me, ignoring it. My emotional immaturity was excused/encouraged, instead of challenged. My ex-partner, the American, was one of the truth-tellers, like Lewis, and I guess after him I chose my husband because he wasn't quite so determined to be 100% honest, 100% of the time. I think that I need people in my life who tell me to get a life when necessary rather than using "unconditional love" as a bandaid. What IS "unconditional love" anyway?? I don't believe any kind of love comes without it's expectations and conditions, and that's as it should be. "Love means never having to say you're sorry"?? What the heck does THAT mean?
I have been thinking a lot lately about choices, and how I told myself over the last ten years that I didn't have them to make. That my depression, weight, illness (lupus, fibromyalgia, etc) forced me to behave a certain way or live a limited life. What a crock of BS!!! I was simply too afraid to make changes. I ate junk and watched TV to dull any pain I felt, and used excuses to avoid any kind of difficult decisions. Living a fully realised life (jeez I sound like Dr Phil ha ha) is scaring the pants of me, but it's the first time in years that I've felt like a functioning human being.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
I read recently, and may have already mentioned it here, that one of the casualties of weight loss surgery can be your relationship. I hate to become a statistic (except for a positive one, eg: 100% of excess weight lost ha ha) but there you have it. I fear my marriage is over. As with all these things, there is more than one reason for it, and I won't go into detail. I know that my fellow weight loss surgery patients will be able to empathise with the extreme changes that come with the surgery, lifestyle makeover and new attitude. I have struggled with personal demons, for a long time, and now I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, I can see a life for myself where I am not consumed by, and always consuming, food. I need to be inspired, challenged and encouraged and I need people in my life who make me want more. Like the quote above, the "mad ones". I met someone recently who reminded me of what I am capable of feeling, and I can't go back to the half-life I've been living for the last ten years.
Don't get me wrong, my husband is the kindest, gentlest and most loving person I know, and we are best friends - I hope we can manage to stay friends through all this, even though I know it's a lot to ask. When I met him my heart was completely shattered from my previous relationship and I loved the fact that my husband was so different to my previous partner, he was secure and stable and safe, and he has been instrumental in putting the pieces of my life back together. How much do I SUCK...now that I am well and happy I decide to move on????
There are a lot of reasons why this is a great decision for my husband as well as for me. I truly believe we can achieve more from life at the moment if we go our separate ways, even if we end up reconciling. I have tried to be as honest with him as possible, which I guess is all I can do. I hate that he is suffering, but one of us needed to make this break otherwise I could see us miserable and hating each other in five years.
It was hard to admit all this, as I want to be a positive representation of the sleeve and of weight loss surgery! I hate the fact that I can't have it all, that I can't be perfect, but that is one of the main dragons I am trying to slay. Sometimes, even if we try our hardest, we can't fix things that are broken, and even if I wanted to have a great marriage the truth is, I haven't achieved that (YET!).
Any insights, advice, stories you have to share will be greatly appreciated. After being with B for ten years, I feel like a teenager again with all the associated angst and confusion ha ha!
In weight removal news, I weighed in this week at 125.9kg (600g less than last week I think). I have my six month review at Mercy Bariatrics on Tuesday and I can't wait for the official verdict. Hope all is well in your world my friends!
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Anyway, I have my eating back to normal and am keeping up my exercise which is the main aim. I am still loving Pilates, and walking every day.
I guess one thing I wanted to record today was my realisation that the food I have eaten over the last 15 years, and the fat I have gained during that time, was hiding more than just my physical self. As I strip away the pounds I am finding ideas, thoughts and feelings that I have suppressed for SUCH a long time...it's the strangest experience. I know it will end up the way destiny intends, and I know that it's "all good" as they say. Even if the journey is not all roses all the time.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Sometimes I think I get overwhelmed by how lonely it can be... I felt this week like I was the only person who knew what I was going through, which OF COURSE is true, it's the human experience man! Ha ha. We're all alone in our own universe, etc, etc. As much as people want to, and try to, empathise, ultimately no-one knows what it's like for me to have a completely new relationship with food, health and exercise (except other sleevers and bandits, but I guess I'm talking more about people in my day-to-day life).
It is so hard to explain. I've tried before! And no doubt I will keep trying. I guess it feels like I am a completely different person now than I was six months ago. So where does that leave my existing relationships?? How do I relate to people who are THE SAME as they were, and can't grasp how EVERYTHING is different for me, everything is new, everything is exciting, and I just want to erase the first 37 years of my life and start again. It kills me, I get really sad and overwrought because honestly, in total truth mode, I don't know what the fall out will be. In previous times of weight loss I've reached this point and chickened out, regaining the weight and returning to the old Lil, depressed and needy, because THAT is the person everyone knows. But guess what, this time I CAN'T go back, even if I wanted to, which I DON'T. I can't go to Gorgeous Jon and say "Hey, I've changed my mind, can you sew my stomach back in?"
And maybe THAT'S why in the end I chose the sleeve over the band, because in my heart of hearts I knew this time would come and I would have to keep going - no turning back. No matter how scary and lonely it gets, this is it for me. This is who I am.
The most bizarre part for me has been since starting my new job 3 months ago -- I haven't told anyone about the surgery, and no-one knows anything about that old killjoy Lil, so I find myself being more and more the person I used to be, the real me I guess, before the fat and the depression sucked the life out of me. I love this new/old Lil! I feel like there are immense possibilities in life, but crikey it is hard not to feel weighed down sometimes by those who love us and who try so hard to understand (but ultimately don't).
Sorry this is a downer!! I know that this is part of it, part of the crazy world of a sleever. And I welcome it all, good and bad, because it's saving my life every day.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
The other thing that has been a revelation this week is Pilates. I started classes last night, and oh my goodness I am addicted already. It's AMAZING, and all day today I was concentrating on my "core" muscles and my posture - the strength and flexibility my teacher Haroumi has is so inspiring. She's terrific, not your size zero blonde aerobics type person at all (phew), her body is toned and womanly and she's just gorgeous.
Wow. I feel I have turned a corner here people... it's all starting to fall into place. The mind/body connection and all that ha ha! I can't get over the fact that I'm almost half way to my ultimate goal weight of 80 kilos. I've lost 41kg - 90 pounds!!!! And it has been easy, most of the time, certainly easier than weighing food, counting calories, taking tablets, etc. That kind of thing is soul-destroying, and this way I have had more time for ME ME ME!! Ha ha! Seriously, though, one of the things I recommend most highly about weight loss surgery is that it takes care of the eating part (if you are smart about your choices) so you have more time and energy to focus on the mental and emotional journey, which is the rockier path sometimes.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
It's now been just over six months since my lap sleeve surgery, and although it sometimes seems like only yesterday that I was 170kg (375 pounds), I really am comfortable now with the "new me". I had a slight miscalculation with my eating this week and threw up the extra mouthful (the old "one bite too many" trick, ugh) but I hardly ever have problems with my food these days. The adjustments that are still ahead of me are mostly mental and emotional... my body has adjusted well to my T4 (Teeny Tiny Tummy Tube), but I still struggle with my Fat Chick thinking. I don't get physical hunger pangs anymore, but the emotional hunger is as strong as ever on my "bad days" - I guess the main benefit is that I can only do a small amount of "damage" through my emotional eating. Instead of eating a family block of chocolate when I’m feeling hormonally challenged, I now eat 2 or 3 small chocolates (snack size). And really, that doesn’t happen a lot. I think as I get further along my new path in life those kind of hiccups will get rarer, as long as I keep working on the mental side of this weight removal thing!
For anyone interested in the finer details, I thought I would record my average daily food intake. I don’t really count calories or carbs or what-have-you, not at this point. I still have half my excess weight to lose, so I imagine I will have to get stricter further down the line. At this point, however, I am lucky enough to just be able to eat whatever I want (within reason!).
BREAKFAST: ¼ cup Bircher muesli with lowfat vanilla yoghurt, OR poached egg on whole grain toast OR Optifast shake
SNACK: Skim milk latte, low fat muffin OR banana OR Bounce Protein Ball
LUNCH: Ham, cheese and salad sandwich on rye bread, OR tuna sushi (6 pieces), OR small nachos, OR cup of vegie soup
SNACK: Coke Zero, ½ cup of popcorn OR potato chips OR cashew/pistachio nuts OR small chocolate bar
DINNER: Palm size piece of steak/chicken/salmon with salad or vegies. I don’t eat potato or pasta or rice. Once a week I have takeaway, usually half a chicken kebab/yiros or a piece of KFC with mashed potato and once a fortnight I have homemade pizza (and then freeze the leftovers to have for lunch, etc. Three small pieces per serve).
SUPPER: Occasionally I will have some fruit or nuts in the evening but I try not to eat after 7pm.
WATER: Most days I have two 600ml bottles of water throughout the day, I am hoping to increase this now I am doing more high intensity exercise.
EXERCISE: Five days a week I walk 4km at a fairly good pace; twice a week I do cardio workout video, I start Pilates classes on Tuesday and have a stretching/weights program I want to do twice a week too.
So there you have it – the life of Lil! It’s pretty cruisy, I know, and I can see that it won’t always be that easy to lose a kilo a week. But while it’s working for me I’ll keep doing it! I also have some visualisation/meditations on my MP3 player that I do two or three times a week (should be more!) and have been working on vision boards with inspirational pictures etc on. I think weight loss removal is a HOLISTIC experience ha ha!!
I went to a secondhand store warehouse sale yesterday, where every item was $1 – I ended up buying so much stuff, spent about $30 and now have some clothes that actually fit me! Yay! I was getting to the point of having to pull my trousers up every five mins – not a good look!!! I bought a gorgeous pink linen skirt for next summer which is a size 18 – nice to have some inspiration I think. Most of the clothes I bought yesterday were 20-22, and this time six months ago I couldn’t fit comfortably in my size 26s. I feel like I have accomplished something, finally, and now when I look in the mirror I don’t see a blob. Wow. I have my follow-up appointment with my surgeon this month, including blood tests, and I can’t wait to see Gorgeous Jon’s verdict! Got to make him proud!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
But, all kidding aside, I get where the Doc is coming from. I didn't throw out my "fat clothes" last time, which probably saved me some money as I got to wear them again as I gradually grew to fit them again (and then grew out of them, to the extra extra large plus sizes of no return). I'm at the point now where a few things are ridiculously big on me. A couple of dresses are so baggy on the bust that I cause eyes (and nearly my own parts) to pop out when I bend over at work. And I put on a pair of jeans on the weekend, my favourite jeans I couldn't wear for a while there (size 26 was just a bit too tight when I was 170kg), and there is a stupid excess of fabric around the legs! They are big at the waist, but I was thinking I could actually buy a belt for the first time in my life ha ha! But really, the legs are so wide in comparison to my ACTUAL legs that I can hardly wear them. The extra denim rubs and rustles, making an alarming sound as well as feeling rather weird!! So here, perhaps for the final time, are my favourite jeans...
I've had them for so many years, and I don't want to buy any replacements for at least another 40kg or so. Luckily a friend has given me some of her ex-fat clothes (which are size 20, I guess it's all relative!) and I will soon be able to wear them comfortably. I think this week I need to do that closet cleanup and get rid of my size 7XL mens track pants and those gaping dresses.
It will be sad to say goodbye to those old faithful friends, but like everything in life I think you need to make room for new friends and new experiences. I cannot wait to be able to shop in "normal" shops and to have tiny clothes! There will be more room in my luggage next time I go away! I will be able to fit more in the washing machine!
But, big and heavy though you are, I'll miss you my lovely flowered, sequinned Katies 1626 jeans.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
My weigh in this week was fairly dismal, not as dismal as it should have been considering the medicinal Freddo Frogs (chocolate, not amphibian, for those of you in America!) I consumed in a (futile) attempt to keep my energy levels up every afternoon. I'm now 131.3kg (289 pounds) - SO CLOSE to the 40kgs (88 pounds) lost target, when I can reward myself with a new pair of running shoes (to replace the pair I am still wearing even after the heel broke apart a couple of weeks ago). I found this week that I lost the plot slightly with regards to my food plan, I had hot chips (fries) one afternoon and another day a packet of crisps (chips). My latest mantra is CHOOSE YOUR RABBITS WISELY. I read a Chinese proverb recently that said "If you try to chase more than one rabbit, both rabbits will escape", and I thought how well that relates to my weight loss journey. I am trying to get my finances back on track, and learn my new job, as well as exercise, eat properly and keep mental focus. That's a lot of damn wascally wabbits!!! Occasionally, one of them (ie: the one that is carrying the healthy food!) gets away, but I need to concentrate on the particular rabbit/task in front of me. So I guess what I am rambling on about here is that I don't need to be 100% in control of everything all the time. Phew. What a relief. That's the BEST thing about this surgery, even if I do lose the plot and eat crap, I can only eat a small amount of it (thereby limiting the damage).
I am really starting to wonder if this whole journey, my whole life maybe, is about the realisation that I can't be in control all the time. I have to learn to be happy with being kind of good at things, better at others, and sometimes I will fail at almost everything!!! That's okay, isn't it?? Doctor Phil would say DO WHAT YOU CAN, WITH WHAT YOU HAVE, WHERE YOU ARE. I think if I can truly believe that, and live it, then I will be successful in losing this weight and keeping it off forever.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Neck - Oct 4 / 39cm ---------------Apr 1 / 36cm ---(loss of 3cm)
Bust - Oct 4 / 145cm---------------Apr 1 / 129cm ---(loss of 16cm)
Waist - Oct 4 / 132cm -------------Apr 1 / 121cm ---(loss of 11cm)
Hip - Oct 4 / 161cm --------------- Apr 1 / 139cm ---(loss of 22cm)
Thigh - Oct 4 / 84cm --------------Apr 1 / 78cm ---(loss of 6cm)
Calf - Oct 4 / 64cm ----------------Apr 1 / 59cm ---(loss of 5cm)
Saturday, April 5, 2008
No wonder my weight loss over the last two months has been pitiful. (Since Jan only 6 kg) This week I have been trying to limit my bad snack choices, which had gotten out of control since I started my new job at the beginning of Feb. I find that my three meals a day are fairly good, but I was having mini chocolate bars, or a small packet of crisps, or a full cream milk latte with two sugars. I've decided I will record here some of the things I have changed, but that I still plan on improving over the rest of the year.
In the PAST I would have had: half a family block of chocolate
In the NOW I have: one snack size Twirl or Time Out
In the FUTURE I plan on: not enjoying chocolate at all, eradicating it from my life!
In the PAST I would have had: a 24 can carton of Coke Zero per week
In the NOW I have: about 10 cans of Coke Zero a week
In the FUTURE I plan on: not having any soft drink in my diet
In the PAST I would have had: no water at all
In the NOW I have: 1 to 2 litres of water a day
In the FUTURE I plan on: drinking 3-4 litres a day
In the PAST I would have: not exercised at all
In the NOW I: do cardio or weights three times a week and walk 2-4km 5 days a week
In the FUTURE I plan on: cardio or weights 5 days a week, walking or running every day
In the PAST I would have: stayed at 170kg ++
In the NOW I have: lost an impressive 38kg
In the FUTURE I plan on: being under 100kg by my one year surgiversary in Oct
There are probably a lot more things I can add to this list. I am, after all, a work in progress! I read a quote the other day that said "It is better to move slowly than to stay in the one place", and that's how I am TRYING to look at it. I am struggling to get through the 130kg zone, it's really been up half a kilo, down half a kilo... but I am refocusing and making better choices (apart from the whole Black Forest Cake debacle ha ha!).
One of the things I have always struggled with is the need to be perfect and the crazy obsessive tendency I have to be "all or nothing". For instance, I would starve myself for two weeks and then eat something "bad" and go on a massive binge. Or I would be up and walking or cycling every day for a month and then injure myself and promptly regain all the weight I had lost. The decision to have weight loss surgery was partly to rid myself of that all or nothing ness. Even though it IS an extreme choice, it takes away my need to be perfectly healthy and virtuous all the time, even when I am slack for a day I can still lose weight. I truly feel like I am gradually becoming less hard on myself, and more relaxed, and I take each day as it comes.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Even after five months, I still feel ILL every time I see my pre-surgery photos. It's like a car crash, you don't want to look at the horror and nastiness but you just can't look away!!!!!
The April photos are a bit random -- we got a new camera the other day, which is very fancy with two lenses (it's a digital SLR) and my husband hasn't worked out how to zoom in yet. And also, we have moved since the last photos, and I'm still trying to find a "blank canvas" to pose in front of. I don't really have an excuse for the cat - apart from the fact that I adore her xxx
My last weigh in was 133 even - not sure if I put that in here, I am due to weigh in again in a couple of days. Have also done my monthly measurements, and I have lost 22cm from my hips (basically I just measure my widest part ha ha!).
So much more to say, and no time in which to write. I miss my old job sometimes, where I could surf the net and email and blog whenever it was quiet. I will do some more updating over the weekend. Want to send out major hugs and best wishes to my friend G from South Australia, who takes the surgical step on the 9th -- I'm making room for you on the loser's bench!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
I can't just sit in front of the TV and eat every night anymore. I don't want to! I need to keep busy and get stuff done, and WHY don't they get it??
Dr Phil would say you either get it or you don't. Is it ME that doesn't get it???????????????
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Mostly, though, with ISBA the joy is from the sheer determination and will that gets people through unimaginable pain and stress. Invariably there is a moment in every story where the people think they are being rescued but then the plane is too high, the boat goes past, the rescuer doesn't see them, etc... and at that moment there is the choice made - I'm gonna get through this. You can see it, hear it, from the survivors, that it really was a case of "darkest before the dawn", and that they could easily have laid down and given up at that point. But the people in these stories DON'T GIVE UP. If they can survive mad hippo attacks, near-drownings, starvation, frostbite and hypothermia (thankfully, those didn't all happen in the same episode - it's not the Bold & The Beautiful lol), then I am damn sure I can survive weight loss surgery!!
It's so inspiring to me, and my family think I am nuts, I just love to watch each episode. These are mostly ordinary people, though some are experienced climbers, etc. One episode was kinda counter-productive to the whole weight loss campaign. Frozen At 20,000 Feet has three British climbers on Mt McKinley, and the one who fares the best after a couple of nights exposed to the elements is the one with the highest percentage of body fat!!! That's ironic! He suffered less cause his body had more to consume I guess. But in the tradition of the happy-go-lucky, lovable chubby guy he saved his mate's life by cuddling him through the night...
I'm sure I am NOT managing to convey the messages of I Shouldn't Be Alive, or explain why I am so attached to it. Suffice to say, it's worth watching for anyone who has Foxtel or access to Bigpond Movies.
In other news, I'm managing to limit my portion sizes (which were waaaay out of control - a whole sandwich!! Gasp!) and thanks to my excellent friend Minski have a terrific idea for high protein breakfast (: Walking four ks a day, and have designed a circuit to do with my hand weights a few times a week now I am gym-less. I think that I will need to step it up for Phase Two of the VSG journey. The first 40kg has pretty well fallen off, and I think I will continue to lose if I just plod along. But would it kill me to work a little harder?? Just think, it could be worse, I could be Trapped Under The Ice or Lost In The African Bush ha ha ha...
Love and luck to all! Catch you in the next episode xxx
Friday, March 21, 2008
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
It ain't all beer and skittles. As an aside, isn't that a bizarre saying?? I guess it means that it's not all fun & games, or it IS all fun & games until someone loses an eye (or a stomach ha ha!!). Anyway. As usual, I digress. I've been struggling this past week or so, for a number of reasons, compounded by the fact that when I weighed in on the weekend I had gained half a kilo. We are moving house on Friday, and have been in a complete upheaval trying to pack and get organised. I also have decided that being good at my new job is not enough, I have to be the best person EVER to do the job, and have started to create these crazy high standards and goals for myself which are doomed to failure. There is a vague quota of work we need to process each day, which is not enforced AT ALL, but I decided I would be the first person ever to beat a particular number -- even though I've only been doing the fricken job for five weeks.
One therapist I had years ago said he had never seen anyone with such impossibly high standards for herself as I had. Apparently it is VERY common for those kind of people (ie: me) to develop fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue, which I suffered from for a few years. I managed to get well, and have been symptom-free for almost 12 months, until this week!!!! Aaaaargh. I instantly knew what was happening, I felt exhausted and achy and my brain went foggy... the difference is, this time I know how to handle it, and I know how to fix it. For any fibro or CF sufferers out there, visit www.reversetherapy.com -- the best thing I ever found.
I guess what was interesting and frustrating was that I was so distracted by the VSG and my weight loss journey that I neglected other areas of my general health. Nuts! I can't believe I have been obsessing about my HAIR. For the rest of the week I am working on realigning myself with what's important. I am such a weirdo perfectionist high achiever. I stressed out last week because my March photos weren't "thin" looking enough to put on my blogs!! Never mind that I have lost almost 40kg (75 pounds), I was freaking out that I looked the same as the Sept 07 photo. Um, NO! Every time I stressed out about something stupid I ate crap - a Mars Bar here, potato chips there. No wonder I gained weight!
So I guess I want to emphasise that while none of this craziness has anything to do with the removal of 75% of my stomach in Oct 07, it certainly needs to be recorded. The rest of my life is not miraculously shiny and happy, even though it's a damn sight better than this time last year. I need to keep an eye on the ball otherwise it'll smack me in the face and THEN I'll have some complaining to do lol.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Not only have I continued to lose weight, even though I am fairly slack when it comes to exercise and enjoy a chocolate muffin every day (gluten free but not exactly non-fat!), but for the first time in FOREVER I feel excited about the future. Regular visitors to this blog will remember how I felt approaching the "30 Kilo Curse". http://lastchancelil.blogspot.com/2008/01/do-you-wanna-know-secret.html Since then, I have tried hard to work on some of the mental and emotional barriers to my weight loss, because I know that ultimately this journey will not reach a successful end unless I want it with my whole heart and believe in it (and myself) fully. I had a real epiphany recently (fancy word for a light bulb moment ha ha). With reference to that 30 Kilo Curse, I was convinced that I was a "lesser" person since that heartbreak changed my life... and I was sure that I needed to "get back" to that lighter self... but now I understand that so much of who I THOUGHT I was then was tied up in that idiot guy, and really I was clueless about who I actually was as a person. I would HATE to be that person again, though I love her dearly and understand her so much more... I can see so clearly now that the person I am NOW is the real Lil, even if I seem moody and slightly freaked out by life, and even if I don't have such drama and excitement in my day-to-day existence.
Wow. It was such an incredible relief to finally be free of that burden, to know once and for all that I will NEVER be that person again (even though I always thought it was who I WANTED to be again). I'm probably not making any sense!!!!!! What else is new???
One of my favourite quotes is from Nelson Mandela, and it goes something like "the best way to see how far you have come is to revisit the places you have been". I'm probably remembering it wrong, but anyway. You get the point. And that's what I have needed to do, to move on and get closure and all those other soap opera cliches! I really don't know who I will be at the end of this journey, but it will be a person who is stronger and fitter and wiser than I ever have been before. Yay for the VSG, and for the freedom it's given me. All that time I used to use thinking about food I can now use to think about myself and self-analyse -- scary ha ha!!
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
One thing I wasn't expecting, or hadn't thought through, was the challenge of eating while travelling. It's much harder to be organised and vigilant, making sure you have the right amounts of nutrients and so forth. I found that I ate out for every single meal except breakfast, and I usually have five meals a day. Cause you can't order small proper meals, only entree type things, I either had to choose between wasting half a good protein choice (eg: steak) or finishing a bread-based entree (eg: bruschetta). I definitely will have to be better organised the next time I am away from home. As a consequence, or maybe just as part of another plateau, my weight has stayed the same for the last two weeks. I started my new job last week, and adjusting to the new timetable and new premises has probably also hampered my eating. I take almost an hour to eat breakfast these days, and I have to catch the bus to the city at 6:45am, so I get up at 5:15. I used to get up that early, or around that time, and walk my dog -- now I get the same amount of walking from the train station to work, but I don't get the time with my dog. I am also finding it a challenge to get into a routine of going to the gym again.
I know I will get there, it's just a readjustment phase I think. To make matters more uncertain, it looks like we will have to move in the next month as our landlord intends to sell up. I really didn't need to start a new job, have major surgery and move house all within six months ha ha. But we're thinking it could be an incentive to find somewhere cheaper (everything you've heard about the cost of living in Perth is true - yikes), and I am angling for somewhere within walking distance to the gym.
Next Monday it will be sixteen weeks since my surgery. It really is becoming such a "normal" part of me now, and I hardly even think about it. I automatically put the right amount of food on my plate, and eat protein first, and never try and drink at the same time as eating. I never thought it would become second nature, but it does. That's one of the reasons I'm happy to have these plateaus or stalls... losing the weight too quickly and in huge chunks would make me freak out a bit I think. I need the time to adjust mentally to the weight loss as well as physically. I set myself a goal to be 120kg by the time I see Gorgeous Jon for my surgical review in May, which means I need to shed 16kg or so in 10 - 12 weeks, which is definitely within reach. That will mean I'll be 45kg lighter than the first time he saw me, 50kg lighter than when I began this amazing journey back in September.
Wow, I have missed everyone on the forums, and on the emails and blogs!!! I've decided to cut back on watching TV, and switch it off at 7.30pm every night so I can catch up on WLS-related stuff before I go to bed. I go to bed SO EARLY because I get up at 5am...it's light when I go to sleep and dark when I wake up - how weird is that??!! I better shut up now, but I promise to keep the updates coming now I am back on track!
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Yesterday I weighed in at an amazing 136.7kg, down from 170kg just 5 short months ago. That's a loss of 33.3kg, or 73 pounds. Yay!
We saw some friends yesterday for Australia Day, they have three fabulous kids aged 2,4 & 6. When I told them how much I've lost so far, they pointed out that the 2 year old boy and six year old girl weigh that much combined! So I have lost 2 small children!! I can't imagine walking around holding them all day... it really puts into perspective how much weight I've lost. No wonder I feel lighter lol.
All else is going great. Did a week of temp data entry while I'm waiting for my 6 month contract with Telstra to begin on Feb 4. I leave for a few days in Adelaide on Thursday - spending time with one of my bestest mates. Can't wait for the change of scene!! Hope all of you are doing well, talk soon (:
Saturday, January 19, 2008
I am 139.4kg (305 pounds)
having lost 30.6kg (69 pounds) since Sept 1.
Hooray! I also did my measurements, as the scales have slowed down a little, and the measurements really show that I am still losing fat and gaining shape. Here they are:
Neck - Oct 4 / 39cm ------------------Jan 19 / 37cm (loss of 2cm)
Bust - Oct 4 / 145cm------------------Jan 19 / 131cm (loss of 14cm)
Waist - Oct 4 / 132cm ----------------Jan 19 / 119cm (loss of 13cm)
Hip - Oct 4 / 161cm ------------------ Jan 19 / 147cm (loss of 14cm)
Thigh - Oct 4 / 84cm -----------------Jan 19 / 78cm (loss of 3cm)
Calf - Oct 4 / 64cm -------------------Jan 19 / 61cm (loss of 3cm)
Overall, over these six sites, I've lost 59cm (23.2 inches for my American friends!).
I can see that I have areas to work on, obviously -- like the fact that I haven't been going to the gym regularly since I started temp work. In Feb I will start my six month contract with Telstra and should be able to get back into a proper routine with the buses, etc. I am still walking six or seven times a week with the dog, as well as the incidental exercise I do every day (not having a car can be useful sometimes lol). Also, I had white bread a couple of times this week and it is SOOO addictive, and made me feel crappy and hungry. I have started allowing myself diet soda on the weekends, as a "treat" I guess, which is also probably a reason I am not losing as quickly.
I am a work in progress! But the best word in that statement is PROGRESS. Hooray for the VSG!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Saturday, January 12, 2008
One of the worst times in my adult life, which led to a period when I gained 40kg over 12 months, was in 1997. Of course it was about a failed love affair...isn't it always ha ha. I was crazy in love, as well as just plain old crazy (pre-Zoloft days!!), and was devastated when I found out the man I had come halfway round the world for was actually attached to someone else. Of course he had neglected to tell me that BEFORE I got on the plan. Anyway. I was in a strange country, alone, and couldn't get a ticket on to London (and family) for a few weeks, and so travelled blindly (literally, sometimes, due to the incessant crying) on Amtrak around the place and ended up in Baltimore. I LOVE Baltimore. As a digression, one of the first things I saw in Baltimore was a sign that read "Whosoever I shall leave or love, whomsoever shall love or leave me, this silent grey city holds me and I am soothed". Magic.
So, I arrived in the US in July 97 around 95kg (200 pounds) and by the time I left London to return to Australia in September I had gained 25kg (55 pounds). Most of the weeks I was in the UK I laid in bed at my parents' house eating, listening to melancholy music and wondering what the F**K had happened to my life. It was such a dark time I hardly ever think about it, or talk about it, and have certainly never decided to tell the whole world about it lol.
Lately I've been realising that one of the reasons I became extremely fat (as opposed to the generally overweight person I've always been) was to protect that person who arrived in the US with everything ahead of her and returned home two months later with nothing to show for 5 years worth of dreams. I sometimes feel like that person is stuck inside me, too afraid to show her face, and I have been shoving crap into my mouth in order to forget about her, and to block out how much it killed her/me to feel that sad. Since then, I have lived a life of safety and compromise, which is much more realistic, I know. I could never have continued being such a dreamer. I was 27, it was about time I grew up I suppose... But jeez it was hard.
I worry that moving towards that 97kg mark frightens me because of the remembered pain...
I worry that if I become that person again, this life I have now won't be enough to sustain me...
I don't know how all this will end up, that's the scariest part I guess.
One of my favourite songs from 1992 (the year I met The American) is a song I still play all the time. I heard the lyrics the other day and I connected even more than usual with part of it. It's Tori Amos "Silent All These Years" and the bit I love is this:
Cause what if I'm a mermaid In these jeans of his With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care Cause sometimes I said sometimes
I hear my voice And it's been here
Silent All These Years
I'm definitely starting to hear my voice again, and use it, and listen to it. If I can learn how to not be afraid I know I will conquer this weight problem once and for all. Wow, even the idea of it is overwhelming.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
In defence of the vsg, they are mostly posts from people who had the RNY, which is a different procedure entirely. But it got me to thinking how determined I am to NOT fail at this. I knew going into the surgery that the sleeve was a tool only, not a solution, and I have been trying to work through my anxieties and fears through meditation, self-help techniques, etc. I honestly feel like my addiction to food is under control now in a way that it has never been, even though I know there will always be the "urge" to overeat, my mind is so conscious of the pain and the consequences of overeating that I avoid it at all costs!
Anyway. One of the things that I believe has been a stumbling block in my previous weight loss attempts is self-sabotage, fear of failure, etc. To return to the title of this post, my deep dark secret is this: THE CURSE OF THE 30 KG!!!! (Cue haunted house music, bats squawking, etc). I have been very successful three times at losing weight. In 1990 I did Weight Watchers and lost around 25kg. In 2001 I was on Xenical and lost around 28kg. In 2005 I was on Dr Phil's Weight Loss Challenge and lost around 32kg. See a pattern?? I have only managed to lose between 25 and 35kg before I fall off the wagon, into the ditch, break my will and smooth it over with chocolate. I am so scared of the 30kg curse... I won't relax again with my weight loss until I am well and truly past 35kg. Even though I KNOW that this time I physically can't regain that weight, it still freaks me out. I said to Gorgeous Jon (surgeon extraordinaire) at my first appointment that I have no trouble at all losing weight, I just suck at keeping it off!
This time is different though, for a whole stack of reasons. This surgery is revolutionary, to me, as it takes the "hard" part (limiting my food intake) out of my hands so I can concentrate my energy on the mental issues (and jeepers they are many lol). I need to work out why I am so terrified of being "thin". I think it's partly a reaction to being malnourished for two years while at boarding school. I'm not exaggerating! Years later there was an investigation into the budget of the school and although $4 a day was set aside for each student's food, in reality only $1.20 was spent. The rest went into the headmaster's daughter and her rotten pony club (well, that's my theory ha ha!). We lived on utter rubbish, mostly starchy carbs supplemented by junk food (starchy carbs) we bought from our pocket money. During that time I started leaving a healthy weight/BMI behind, and have left it in the dust.
Well, I won't bore you with all my weird revelations and anecdotes! Rest assured that this weight loss journey is at least 50% mental, and I'm workin' it. Hope y'all are too! Drop me a line and let me know how you're going fellow travellers xxx
Saturday, January 5, 2008
which is another kilo lost for good! Goodbye to the 140s, I won't EVER see you again!
My total weight loss since September 07 is 30.2kg. Since surgery, around 16 or 17kg I think?
All is well in the world of Lil and my T4. New favourite snack is popcorn (low fat), I think it has some fibre in it which is always good he he. I am still eating five small meals a day, which works better for me and my metabolism even though I know it's not recommended. I usually have:
Breakfast: poached egg on non-wheat sprouted bread with tsp butter
Morning Snack: slice of low fat ham or salami with a slice of low fat cheese
Lunch: homemade vegetarian wholegrain pizza (1 or 2 slices) with low fat fetta cheese
Afternoon Snack: cup of popcorn
Dinner: steak (palm size) and salad with low fat dressing, or tuna and salad, or roast lamb with vegies (except potato as I'm off white carbs now - hooray)
I have no idea, really, how much that is as far as calories or fat or fibre is concerned! It feels right for me at the moment, and if/when it stops working I will re-address it. I don't have to go back to see my surgeon Gorgeous Jon, or my dietician, until May. By then I am planning to have lost another 15kg AT LEAST. I am doing a nightly meditation/visualisation CD by Jon Gabriel (www.thegabrielmethod.com) who lost about 80kg, maybe more I don't remember exactly. It basically gets you to visualise your ideal body, and to switch your mind and body into fat loss mode, because if your mind and soul aren't prepared to be thin, are afraid of losing the fat, then any success will always be short-lived. It makes a lot of sense to me. I've always been apprehensive about being truly fit and healthy, so I'm working on all those obstacles as well as the physical challenge!
Catch you guys soon xxx
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
I am so happy that 2008 is my year of NO RESOLUTIONS. I don't need to wish or hope for weight loss, because I'm well on my way. Probably should make a resolution to get a darn job he he. I have another temp contract starting on Monday, for two weeks, so that will tide us over. I'm fairly sure one of the interviews I have this week will produce something permanent. In the meantime, more time in the day for walking! I got a new IPOD for Christmas, which holds 1000 songs, and have been having a ball listening as I walk. Motivational and fast-moving music really makes a difference for me. I always listen to the Madonna song "Die Another Day" -- it has such a good beat and the words make me feel like I can conquer anything. Loving life!!!!!!