Battle Of The Bulge

This morning I joined a 20 week challenge at my gym. The brilliant and stellar owner, Pat, called me the other day to tell me about it, as she knew my motivation had been seriously lacking. I hadn't been to the gym for about 6 weeks, and my depression had been so bad that most days I couldn't even get out of bed to shower. Things have started to turn around, and get better, so I decided to take up the challenge.

There are some lovely people in the group, who will meet once a week to compare food plans, exercise, successes, and the gym girls have taken measurements and weights.

FYI, I weighed in at (gulp) 123.5kg (271 pounds).

I am officially 5 kilos heavier than the beginning of the year, before my breakdown. Which is okay. I have made peace with it, and it's a lot less than I would have regained before I had the surgery. I guess I need to accept responsibility now, the smaller stomach basically lost the first 45kg, now I have to apply common sense and restraint to lose the rest. Gorgeous Jon, my surgeon, called me the other day and left a message asking to come in and see him so we can keep track. I have been avoiding seeing him, I am so conflicted now about the surgery and how easy it is to have it done (without psych evaluations, etc). I still think it's a terrific thing, and worth doing, but I do think there should be more support - especially as I was already diagnosed with depression and had serious binge eating issues.

I guess people will say I should have reached out and asked for help before I hit the point of having a breakdown. But the illness is deceptive, and I was on a high seeing such great results. I think I got carried away with the compliments and the fact that I looked better and could buy nice clothes. Shallow!! Now I am dealing with the reality that although I am 45kg lighter, and a lot healthier and fitter, my life is still empty and I am still suffering from image problems and sadness. I'm glad to have finally received a diagnosis, though, because I always knew my behaviour was "out there". I know what's "wrong" with me, and even better I know how to fix it (or at least manage it).

I had a great workout this morning, I have missed going to the gym! I have a new job starting next week, which is Tues, Wed and Friday, so am hoping to get to the gym at least twice a week. I need to establish a new routine, but not overdo it. My other problem, which is something the gastric sleeve couldn't fix, is snacking between meals. Totally out of control. I'm hoping that working again, and being busy, will help me forget about food a little haha!

Probably I should set some goals for the 20 Week Challenge (which is called The Battle of The Bulge, hence the title of this post). I don't want to focus on numbers, but getting back down to 118kg would be nice, which is where I was before my mental episode! I will work out some other fitness goals and post them here.

The Week That Was

Weigh in day, and thankfully I have lost most of the weight I've put on so far in 2009. (Note to self - Breakdowns wreak havoc on healthy eating plans). I'm just over 119kg, after weighing in at 122.8 halfway through January. Yikes.

My new plan is going well, have been on annual leave so the real test will be going back to work on Tuesday. To say I'm dreading it would be an understatement...the social pressure is more of a problem than the actual work, which I love and am good at. But the bitchiness, cliques and net-bullying (via Facebook etc) is hard to deal with. I feel like I am 15 again, and on the outside looking in, which is weird and depressing. It's been a test of the "new me". I've had to change my antidepressant medication, after 5 years of it working it suddenly stopped, which may or may not be due to extreme weightloss and or hormonal changes. My new medication seems to have levelled things out again, and I have a new psychiatrist who is awesome. I think that there are a lot of things I haven't dealt with since my sleeve and my new life path... such a lot of image and self-esteem issues, and the whole marriage breakdown and having to be single for the first time in 10 years. My psychiatrist thinks that "simple" (haha) depression is not the correct diagnosis for me, and I am scheduled for a 2 week Cognitive-Behaviour-Therapy course later in the year. The outlook for my particular "mentalness" (lol) is often bleak, but my psych (Ian) says I have a lot of things on my side, and I am willing to work hard to get well.

Interestingly enough, one of the side effects or "co-morbidities" with my illness is BINGE EATING!!!! Weird. I said to Ian, "Man, I miss binge eating, I really miss it like an alcoholic must miss drinking"... because even though I make poor choices sometimes with food, I physically am unable to truly binge on food. Which is a GREAT thing, don't get me wrong!! But sometimes I remember the comfort (short-lived though it was) that I got from an entire pizza and a block of chocolate and I feel sad, I do, even though I know it's stupid.

On the factual side of the journey -- I've been going to the gym three times a week, and made a pact with myself that for every hour I watch TV I have to do 15 mins of crunches, leg lifts, pushups, etc. Trying to stay under 1300 calories each day, around 20-30g of fat. I've also been walking 2-3 km a day, thankfully we've had a few cooler days here.

Things I Didn't Know...

Let's face it, I could write an entire blog about Things I Don't Know lol. But lately I've been struggling with things I didn't know, or didn't fully realise, about the gastric sleeve until I went out and got myself one! Last week was a bit of a struggle, what with returning to work and all, and I discovered something MAJOR about the T4 (my sleeved tummy). If I eat til I'm full, I just need to wait 20-30 mins and then I can eat THE SAME AMOUNT AGAIN. Maybe this was obvious to everyone, but really, I had NO IDEA. I assumed that I would stay full until the next "meal time". Man, I shoulda paid more attention in high school human biology. I discovered this quite by accident last week, when we had catered sandwiches brought into work for a training session. I LOVE our caterers - they make the best gourmet sandwiches - and before the T4 I would polish off at least four or five rounds. This time, I ate my own lunch and thought "no worries" but when I went to clear the tables in the training session there were a few sandwiches left and I started to "feel" hungry - managed to eat two half sandwiches, only about 45 mins after eating my own lunch!!!! It was downhill from there, I ate cheese and crackers in the afternoon, then dinner, then icecream before bed. Was SO disgusted with myself, and completely depressed about the fact that I have found a way to binge eat after having this surgery. I truly believed those days were over, that I wouldn't be able to fit so much food into my stomach.

OF COURSE, I realise that the gastric sleeve is only a weight loss tool, not the entire solution. But really, I hoped that willpower was a thing of the past (cause I patently DON'T HAVE ANY).

Now I am trying really really hard to stick to 3 meals a day, with a light and healthy morning and afternoon snack if I can't manage without one. Jeez, it is HARD, now I know that I can leave the rest of my meal for half an hour and then come back and finish it. Especially when it's something nice. If I over eat, I end up feeling bloated and pathetic, just like I did before the T4, except it's worse now because I also feel guilty for how much money the surgery cost, and upset that I am punishing my stomach (which has already been through so much).

Definitely need psychiatric help lol. I've been feeling like my depression medication isn't working very well, too - maybe my metabolism and hormone levels are changing or something?! I'm not suicidal or anything, truly, but I am so damn impatient, I have to remember that I only had the surgery THREE WEEKS AGO and that OF COURSE this is a long-term process and a massive lifestyle adjustment.

To add insult to injury ha ha, I weighed in on Saturday and hadn't lost a gram!!!! If that doesn't serve me right lol.

The main points I am taking away from last week are as follows:

1. Stick to a meal plan, and immediately throw away any leftovers when I am full (the 1st time ha ha)
2. Eat only at the table, not in front of TV
3. I may take a while to get back to full strength, and won't pressure myself to go back to the gym or exercise if I am exhausted
4. White bread is the debbil
5. I didn't get to 170kg in a matter of weeks or months, so I won't get down from there quickly.
6. The 20-something kilos I've lost are never coming back

Hope everyone's journey is going smoothly - rest assured I am back on track, and determined to have a better and brighter week.