A Thousand Thanks

Thank you everyone who has emailed, commented, etc about my breakup. You guys rock, and I have to comment that as much as you say I have encouraged and inspired you, the same goes back at ya! I think that one of the best things about deciding on weight loss surgery has been discovering the amazing people out there who are sharing the journey with me... it's a small but select group ha ha! I like knowing that even if I feel alone sometimes in the midst of my physical life, out in the wider world there are people who get where I am coming from.

There are no updates in the marriage dissolution stakes... I think it's called a "stalemate" (which is kind of a semi-accurate yet rather cutting word to describe a divorce now I come to think of it!). I have some appointments with lawyers, banks, etc over the coming weeks, but I am hoping the separation will be fairly amicable as we have neither property nor offpsring to fight over. I think one of the things I have noticed lately is the lack of arguing in my relationship, which I used to believe was a positive thing but now I wonder if it was a sign of general malaise and apathy. I know this guy at work, let's call him Lewis, who is one of the rare people in life who actually tell the truth, no sugar-coating or mollycoddling, and while this truth hurt me somewhat this week (when it was directed at me), in the long run I am a better person for it. Most of my life people have made allowances for me, and lied to me in the misguided notion that it would protect me -- but it doesn't! I ended up suffering from it, and I think my addiction to food was made worse by the people who supposedly loved me, ignoring it. My emotional immaturity was excused/encouraged, instead of challenged. My ex-partner, the American, was one of the truth-tellers, like Lewis, and I guess after him I chose my husband because he wasn't quite so determined to be 100% honest, 100% of the time. I think that I need people in my life who tell me to get a life when necessary rather than using "unconditional love" as a bandaid. What IS "unconditional love" anyway?? I don't believe any kind of love comes without it's expectations and conditions, and that's as it should be. "Love means never having to say you're sorry"?? What the heck does THAT mean?

I have been thinking a lot lately about choices, and how I told myself over the last ten years that I didn't have them to make. That my depression, weight, illness (lupus, fibromyalgia, etc) forced me to behave a certain way or live a limited life. What a crock of BS!!! I was simply too afraid to make changes. I ate junk and watched TV to dull any pain I felt, and used excuses to avoid any kind of difficult decisions. Living a fully realised life (jeez I sound like Dr Phil ha ha) is scaring the pants of me, but it's the first time in years that I've felt like a functioning human being.

News From The Job Front

Yesterday I had two more interviews/registrations with temp agencies, which went well until they tried to force me into reception jobs (which I have been there, done/hate that) or jobs which required more than an hour travel each way (ditto). Why is it so hard to find a nice quiet filing or typing job lol. I have one day's work tomorrow doing data entry, but I think this is the wrong time of year to find temp contract work. Darn it, another instance of my husband being right...hate that ha ha!! I am not too stressed about it, payout from my last job covers up to this week, and even if nothing comes up til the new year, we'll manage. I prefer to hold out for the right job, or at least something that sounds interesting. I really do NOT want another job where I have to answer phones, I hate talking 0n the phone, even to me friends...don't know why. I'm just weird, ok.

Food wise, everything is going along nicely. Except we ordered takeaway Chinese last night and it didn't agree with me (2nd time that has happened). I think it might be rice, as well as chicken. I am ok with Basmati rice, but the sticky Chinese style doesn't suit my T4. I'm much happier since I gave up bread, not craving white carbs at all now - we even had roast on the weekend and I didn't have a single potato!! Wow. I am also trying to stick to one can of Coke Zero a week, now that I've discovered I can drink it again I was worried I would re-establish the addiction. But I seem okay with just an occasional can, and it takes me a couple of hours to finish it. My advice for the fizzy drinks is to let it sit for a while, have it with ice, and drink it through a straw -- all those things help me enjoy it without burping excessively!

I can't believe it's a week til Christmas. I realised this morning that not only will I not have my usual food addiction to help me through the stressful festive season, but I will be away from my computer for three/four days!!! How will I cope without all the bandit and sleever support?? Might have to commandeer my MIL's computer for a while at least once or twice, just to check in with everyone!

One Month Review

Thought as it was a month since my operation I would jot down some things I've discovered about myself and my T4 (teeny tiny tummy tube). It's been a mad rollercoaster ride over the last four weeks, with some extreme highs and lows, but usually my life is like that anyway so nothing has changed lol. Sometimes I think "What the hell have I done, take it away" but most of the time I am rational and can see that this procedure is the ONLY WAY I can reduce my eating and lose weight - and therefore have the chance for a long and healthy future. I'm a work in progress for sure...but the key word there is PROGRESS, which is something I haven't felt or seen in my life for a long time. I feel like there is a light at the end of this long dark tunnel of food addiction and obesity.

Some of the key points for November include:

1. Things I have thrown up: hot chips, watermelon juice, orange juice, crispy chicken wrap (McDonalds, what was I thinking??)
2. Things I can usually eat easily (tho with the T4 nothing is certain lol): toast, bread, cheese, salad (except carrot, haven't tried that yet), beans, tuna, mince of any kind, most cooked vegies, banana, eggs
3. Things I simply can't tolerate: fizzy drinks (waaaaaaaaaaaaah, jeepers I miss Coke Zero). Tried lemonade, fanta, lift - Can't even drink them when they've gone flat, they kind of "stick" in my chest, even though they are liquid, which is weird...The only thing that is semi-tolerable is Solo, which according to my husband (who watches way too much TV ha ha) "is light on the fizz so it goes down fast"!!!!!!!!
4. Danger foods (easy and naughty): iced coffee, choc milk, full-fat dairy (esp ice cream and cheese), white bread
5. Lessons I'm learning: EAT SLOWER!! I am eating at about a quarter of my pace prior to surgery and it's still way too fast! I am suffering indigestion because I don't concentrate on slowing down and chewing mega-slowly. I'm talking one mouthful per minute, max - that's all I can hack!
6. What I miss most (apart from Coke Zero - waaaaaaaah): Taking a big bite or mouthful of something, ANYTHING!! And also skulling a huge mouthful of water or juice or ANYTHING!! The sipping is driving me nuts ha ha! Esp when it gets hot and I let myself get thirsty...

I'm sure I will think of a million more things to share with everybody, will post this on the Yahoo message boards too so everyone knows what I'm up to. I took a sneak-peek at the scales this morning (my weigh-in is due Saturday) and it looks like I might be shifting a kilo or two this week, so maybe my plateau is over??!!

I live in hope! Love and luck to all,

Lil xxxxx

My New Plan

I really took a serious look at what I've been eating, and it's just been a bit on the dodgy side. My husband, bless his soul, took his life into his hands by commenting that I had cheese for breakfast, lunch and dinner yesterday and that maybe that was A BIT too much full-fat dairy for one day lol. I took it well, cause he was 100% right. I wanted to have this operation and lose weight so that I never had to be a slave to artificial sweeteners and low-fat-crap, which is all well and good, but in reality I am still 70 kilos overweight!! HELLO!? What made me think I could have masses of full-fat cheese? One of the things that goes down well for me at the moment is pizza, homemade with pitta bread - hubby thinks that the "goes down well for me" thing is all in my head, as coincidentally all the things that go down well are things I like...yes, he is dicing with death lol.

Another conversation:
Me: "It's not fair, I decided to have the sleeve instead of the band so I could have things like bread"
Him: "I do not remember reading or hearing that the sleeve would let you eat bread five times a day, just three weeks after surgery"
Me:"Aaaaaargh."

As I was saying! I have had pizza a couple of times, made with a small pitta with mushrooms, capsicum, tomato, onion, olives - all of which is fine, until you factor in the fetta cheese AND the cheddar. Doh. No wonder I am a resident of Plateau City, population one. When I was on Dr Phil's Weight Loss Challenge (and lost 30+ kg) I had pizza all the time, but only had a few spoonfuls of low fat ricotta on it, which I'm intending to start doing again. I am so much in love with cheese it's pathetic. I must have been a mouse in a former life. Or maybe mould, cause I like all them stinky cheeses too.

Anyway. I need to reign in my eating. The T4 is not a foolproof system, but it's gonna work for this fool, let me tell ya. I need to eat less bread, esp. white bread, and I need to stop eating full-fat dairy (esp cheese). I'm planning to start having salad again, maybe avoid raw carrot and other sharp and crunchy things ha ha! This is a new chapter in my journey, and I KNOW I can get there. I'm checking out of the Cheese Addict Motel and heading down the Vegie Highway towards Skinnyville.

Ciao!

Plateau

Am still located firmly on a plateau - today's weigh in has me at 147.8kg, which is barely a kilo lost in the last two weeks. I know that plateaus are normal, and in fact are a GOOD SIGN because it shows my body is readjusting to my new weight and lifestyle. But man, they are frustrating! I started back at the gym this week, which I think will help, and other than that am just continuing to get my fluids in, and try to choose healthy options for eating.

Chocolate is something I've had a couple of times in the last week or two - only small amounts, but it's not a good choice. It just goes down so well...no pain, doesn't stick...and then there's that positive endorphin effect! Even though the amount of chocolate I have these days is miniscule compared to the entire family block I regularly ate before, I'm still annoyed with myself.

Still suffering from tiredness, which my GP says is normal after surgery, and I constantly have to remind myself that it's not even a month since I had the operation. I am so impatient. Driving myself crazy ha ha. I think that it was easier to deal with the sleeve while I was losing weight - now I'm just over it, but of course there's nothing I can do about it, even if I wanted to! That's the perfect thing about the VSG, unlike any diet there's no "breaking" it or falling off the wagon. Man, it messes with my head sometimes!! But I am doing well, feeling lighter and fitter even though I'm tired and cranky.

If the plateau lasts more than another week or so I'm going back to the dietician at Mercy to show her what I'm eating, see if she has any advice. Most days I have Up & Go or boiled egg and a piece of toast for breakfast; then a small bowl of pasta or a tuna sandwich or ham & cheese rollups for lunch; then dinner is a small version of what the family has (quiche, pasta, lebanese bread pizza). I try to have pureed fruit or a banana or melon as well during the day. Actually, looking at that list it does seem like there are too many carbs in it. It sucks to not be able to have proper salad yet, and barbecued meat - I think I'll be ready for that next month.

In other news, I quit my job last week and am due to finish up there on 21 Dec. Have already had a couple of interviews, there are SO MANY jobs in WA at the moment cause everyone has gone to work in the mining industry! I am hoping to find something more interesting, and closer to home.

Things I Didn't Know...

Let's face it, I could write an entire blog about Things I Don't Know lol. But lately I've been struggling with things I didn't know, or didn't fully realise, about the gastric sleeve until I went out and got myself one! Last week was a bit of a struggle, what with returning to work and all, and I discovered something MAJOR about the T4 (my sleeved tummy). If I eat til I'm full, I just need to wait 20-30 mins and then I can eat THE SAME AMOUNT AGAIN. Maybe this was obvious to everyone, but really, I had NO IDEA. I assumed that I would stay full until the next "meal time". Man, I shoulda paid more attention in high school human biology. I discovered this quite by accident last week, when we had catered sandwiches brought into work for a training session. I LOVE our caterers - they make the best gourmet sandwiches - and before the T4 I would polish off at least four or five rounds. This time, I ate my own lunch and thought "no worries" but when I went to clear the tables in the training session there were a few sandwiches left and I started to "feel" hungry - managed to eat two half sandwiches, only about 45 mins after eating my own lunch!!!! It was downhill from there, I ate cheese and crackers in the afternoon, then dinner, then icecream before bed. Was SO disgusted with myself, and completely depressed about the fact that I have found a way to binge eat after having this surgery. I truly believed those days were over, that I wouldn't be able to fit so much food into my stomach.

OF COURSE, I realise that the gastric sleeve is only a weight loss tool, not the entire solution. But really, I hoped that willpower was a thing of the past (cause I patently DON'T HAVE ANY).

Now I am trying really really hard to stick to 3 meals a day, with a light and healthy morning and afternoon snack if I can't manage without one. Jeez, it is HARD, now I know that I can leave the rest of my meal for half an hour and then come back and finish it. Especially when it's something nice. If I over eat, I end up feeling bloated and pathetic, just like I did before the T4, except it's worse now because I also feel guilty for how much money the surgery cost, and upset that I am punishing my stomach (which has already been through so much).

Definitely need psychiatric help lol. I've been feeling like my depression medication isn't working very well, too - maybe my metabolism and hormone levels are changing or something?! I'm not suicidal or anything, truly, but I am so damn impatient, I have to remember that I only had the surgery THREE WEEKS AGO and that OF COURSE this is a long-term process and a massive lifestyle adjustment.

To add insult to injury ha ha, I weighed in on Saturday and hadn't lost a gram!!!! If that doesn't serve me right lol.

The main points I am taking away from last week are as follows:

1. Stick to a meal plan, and immediately throw away any leftovers when I am full (the 1st time ha ha)
2. Eat only at the table, not in front of TV
3. I may take a while to get back to full strength, and won't pressure myself to go back to the gym or exercise if I am exhausted
4. White bread is the debbil
5. I didn't get to 170kg in a matter of weeks or months, so I won't get down from there quickly.
6. The 20-something kilos I've lost are never coming back

Hope everyone's journey is going smoothly - rest assured I am back on track, and determined to have a better and brighter week.

Tired But Surviving

Day Three back at work and so far everything is cool. Last night we had a work function and I had a glass of lemon squash and two canapes which went down perfectly (and tasted great!), also managed to dance and take photos for my work newsletter and generally socialise more than I have done in the past. A few people commented on the weight I've lost, since they last saw me in August it's almost 25 kilos and there were a lot of compliments - always nice ha ha! I just feel more confident and energetic, even though I get tired quite easily by the end of the afternoon. The bus trips have been fine too, no problems at all, and sitting at my desk for most of the day isn't uncomfortable either.

Most of my recovery is emotional and mental, still. My body healed quickly but I still struggle with taking tiny bites, chewing super-slowly, not drinking during meals, and not being able to reach for food when I am bored, stressed, emotional, hormonal...

But I will get there - I AM getting there.

Back To The Real World...

Tomorrow I have to go back to work. I'm dreading it for so many reasons, most of them stupid... I take two buses each way, 3 hours travel time in total, and I'm not sure how my body will cope with the sitting down, squashed in position. My family are organising lifts to and from work tomorrow, which is awesome, but ultimately I need to regain my independence. I also worry about being away from home if I feel sick, or want to sleep, or need to lie down - which has happened only rarely in the fortnight I've been on sick leave. But it's not the most professional thing to do in the office lol. Maybe I can take a nap in the stationery cupboard! I've been stressing out about all the work that has piled up while I've been away, and what I will take for lunch (from my limited menu), and what should I wear that is comfortable but still shows that I have lost 8kg since they last saw me ha ha!

I know, I'm losing the plot!! I wish I was back in hospital - truly, I love hospital, always have, since I was small and had a few lengthy stays in hospital. I feel safe there, as if I'll be okay if anything happens cause there are professionals on site 24/7! And while there I didn't feel like a freak show curiosity, which is kind of how I feel sometimes out here in the world. I feel like everyone is ALWAYS WATCHING ME (paranoid much ha ha), and every time I burp or hiccup or frown someone says "Are you all right??!!" Then there's the way people freak out at the miniscule bowl I eat from, with my tiny teaspoon, and how I pause for 1 or 2 minutes between mouthfuls... A couple of times I've got the distinct impression that people think I am doing it for effect!! As if I am playacting only being able to eat half a cup of food at a time!

To me, this process can be incredibly solitary and isolating - thank heaven for the other sleevers and bandits on the internet who are going through the same stuff as I am, which reassures me I am not crazy. Well...no more crazy than I was BEFORE the sleeve ha ha!

My Latest Meal

I have had two food victories over the last 24 hours - hooray! Thursday is traditionally my family's takeaway night, and over the last 2 months I've just missed out, having Optifast etc. This time, I thought I'd give it a go and ordered a small popcorn chicken from KFC and a potato and gravy. Blended the chicken up and stirred in the potato - yum! It went down beautifully, and more importantly stayed down lol!! I only ate about 1/4 of the small box of chicken, but I felt like I wasn't missing out.

Then for lunch I thought I would try pasta, which I have been missing over the last two and a half months...boiled up about 20 beef ravioli and then stirred in some pasta sauce and grated some parmesan over it. Awesome. So so yummy, and had not trouble eating it. Hooray! I am feeling like I'm returning to a kind of normality with my eating after being "out-of-the-loop" for so long. I think that doing 8 weeks Optifast before the procedure was over-ambitious, even though it kick started my weightloss and made sure my liver was less fatty for the operation. It also meant the liquid phase wasn't so terrible, as I was used to shakes, etc. But really, 10 weeks without an ordinary meal, and without chewing anything except salad, is TOO LONG. My surgeon told me it would be ha ha! Hate it when they are right lol.

Grief, Part Two

In a previous post I touched on the feeling of loss and grief I have as my new life unfolds - a life without the old faithful friend food/binge eating. Yesterday has really been an important lesson for me, not only about taking it easy with introducing foods to the T4.

For many years I have had a tradition of going solo to the movies, then buying a magazine and pigging out at the local foodhall. I never really noticed this tradition until today, when I analysed the circumstances leading up to my horrifying public puke... Even when I was a poor student I would go into town on Austudy payday and have nachos, or McDonalds (or both...cringe) and happily read my gossip mag. I can't do that anymore, not in the same unthinking way. I've come to realise that nothing will be so unplanned and unconscious in my life, not for a long time, maybe never. And that's okay.

I really got teary today thinking about this massive part of my life, sad though it sounds, being gone forever. I know, I know, I can do the movie and the shops and even catch a tiny bite to eat, but you and I both know it's not the same. So MANY things are not the same. And it justs makes me a little melancholy. I've prayed and wished for such a long time to be free of my addictive behaviour towards food, and you know what they say "Be careful what you wish for?!"

I still think this operation is the best thing I ever did, even as I drink yet another Up & Go and struggle with a general lack of protein. Today my throat is killing me, I'm exhausted and a tad bereft, but I guarantee you my relationship with hot chips has changed permanently and for the better lol.

In Local News

So, yesterday I was inducted into the sleeve gastrectomy Hall of Fame. By that, I mean I suffered from my first honorary excrutiating piercingly painful moment of indigestion - and MAN, you blokes weren't kidding when you said it sucked. OW. I had cruised along for almost a week, feeling slightly virtuous and fab, wondering what the big deal was about indigestion. Last night I faithfully mashed up my delicious fish and vegies, ignoring the potato and garlic stiry fry the other folk were enjoying with their fish...until the cockiness overcame me and I reached for two tiny cubes of the potato. Mistake. Big mistake. Although I tried to chew them to mush, those two cubes of potato got stuck in my chest and brought tears to my eyes - thank God for Degas. I had to leave the table and walk around the back garden til the pain subsided.

Let that be a lesson to me!! Do not be greedy, do not attempt too much too soon, and do not eat anything that hasn't been put in front of me!

Weigh In & Measure

This morning my weight is 154kg, meaning I've lost 2 kg since I went into surgery. How much does a stomach weigh anyway?? Probably 500g or so, meaning the rest is fat loss - hooray! I am feeling AMAZING, I still can't get used to the fact that the amounts of food I consume are so tiny... I'm focusing on eating and drinking really slowly, tiny amounts at a time, and I stop as soon as I start to feel full. Then sometimes I will try a little more, and other times I stop. I haven't felt nauseous at all, and no heartburn or indigestion - which could be the Somac they prescribed me at the hospital. My dressings have started to come off, and the wounds seem to be healing fine - the drainage site is a bit red and inflamed but my mom the ex-nurse says it's all good.

Did my measurements today for calorieking.com.au and thought I would record them here also.
AREA/DATE/MEASUREMENT----DATE/MEASUREMENT
Neck - Oct 4 / 39cm ----Nov 3 / 37cm (loss of 2cm)
Bust - Oct 4 / 145cm----Nov 3 / 144cm (loss of 1cm)
Waist - Oct 4 / 132cm ----Nov 3 / 130cm (loss of 2cm)
Hip - Oct 4 / 161cm ---- Nov 4 / 159cm (loss of 2cm)
Thigh - Oct 4 / 84cm ---Nov 4 / 84cm (same)
Calf - Oct 4 / 64cm -----Nov 4 / 62.5cm (loss of 1.5cm)

Surgery - Day Two

The Special Nursing Unit (SNU) was wicked, having staff all to yourself, where in the rest of the hospital there are a lot of student nurses and doctors, and in general everyone is short staffed and super busy. The SNU gets more resources because the patients who need close monitoring are there. I was in overnight, went back to my room at 1pm Tuesday. Most of Tuesday morning was spent getting up and about (ouch), having a shower (niiiiice), and watching TV. So many cooking shows!? Did I mention that I am STARVING?? I progressed from ice chips to water sips - 30ml every hour (the size of a medicine cup). I walked around as much as possible, trying to avoid the dreaded DVTs. Loved the SNU because there was always something happening, and I was closest to the door and the desk so I could indulge my Gemini nosiness and listen to everyone gossipping. My mum came in to visit for a couple of hours while I was in the SNU and I dozed on and off (sorry mum!!). I took a heap of books, MP3 players, craft but until late Tuesday afternoon I couldn't concentrate on anything, so just had the TV on and slept intermittently. Meanwhile, still having OBs (which went from hourly to four hourly) and a Heparin injection in the belly every 12 hours.

Before I left SNU I got one of my three drips taken out (the one under my wrist which I think was for monitoring blood pressure and administering pain relief through the PCA button). After that I had some Panadol in my drip every five hours or so, which was plenty to take the edge off. I had some shoulder tip pain, which improved when I started walking around and sitting up - and BURPING ha ha! Tuesday arvo I briefly met my room-mate Jenny, who was just about to go in for a lap sleeve. She went into surgery and then the SNU so I was on my own until lunchtime Wednesday.

Had a few visitors Tuesday afternoon/evening and started a bit of cross-stitching, read a little. I was starting to feel more alert and able to understand how amazing and exciting this thing is that I have done!! Until then, I really hadn't looked at the potential weight loss - not for a long time. I'd been too preoccupied with getting the money through to pay for the surgery, and doing the Optifast, and hoping that the surgery wouldn't be impossible due to my scarring. Gorgeous Jon said another inch lower and it would have been NO GO, most of my scar tissue is around the lower bowel area.

Anyway...onto Day Three

A Pinch & A Punch

Oh my goodness, it's October already. Wow. I may as well start an official countdown to my surgery - 28 sleeps to go woo hoo!!!!!

I am having some issues at work, trying to decide if it's the right job, right workplace for me... but this weekend I have realised that now is not the time to make that kind of a change. So, if possible, I will hang in there until Christmas and then re-address the situation. There are a lot of benefits to my job right now:

1. I like a lot of what I do (publications, admin)
2. Mostly, I get on well with my colleagues
3. They are fine with me having 2 weeks sick leave for my operation & recovery
4. My clinic and hospital are just down the road from work
5. I travel 3 hours a day on public transport, which I intend to start using positively, working on some inner-health stuff (meditation, etc) to help in my recovery
6. It's a sedentary job so I will hopefully be able to return to work sooner after surgery

I suppose the bottom line, as with many things, is my attitude. Not having food to "medicate" my emotions with over the last three weeks has made my stress and moods seem SO much worse. The job hasn't changed, or my workplace - just me. And that's okay. This is a massive life-altering thing I am doing, and there's bound to be a period of adjustment.

So my plan for the month is to keep my head down and focused on my work, ignoring petty crap, making sure I am as well-prepared as possible for the 29th of October. Started making a shopping list for the time I will be admitted and the recovery time at home, and joined Bigpond Movies so I can order some DVDs to keep me entertained! I am kind of looking forward to the "ME TIME" he he he.