Grief

The last few days have been a nightmare... I truly feel as though my closest, most long-lasting friendship is ending - the one I have with food. I'm committed to this surgery, I know it's the only way I can survive, but I'm sad at the thought that I will have a different relationship with food from now on. SO many times I have shared with food, both good and bad. It will never be the same again, and that's good, that's healthy, but I feel bereft. It's weird and pathetic. I need to look at food as the kind of toxic friend that sometimes needs to be kicked out of our lives...

Moving On Up

Okay, so I have spoken to self sternly and am now back on track. Strict week of Optifast before my surgery next week, so far I am suffering a little from the readjustment but nowhere near as difficult as the first time I started Opti six weeks ago. As for the surgery... Yikes - only 6 sleeps to go!! I am occupying myself with lists - what to cook and buy before I go in, what to take with me, what I need to get finished at work before my 2 weeks off. I've bought a portable dvd player on ebay and am hoping to get some quality watching in during my 3/4 day stay at Mercy. Also am filling two mp3 players with meditations, music, etc. Thursday is my clothes shopping day, as I am in desperate need of new underwear!!! Also hope to pick up some cheapish pjs, saw some in the Big W catalogue.

My cheque arrived yesterday from REST, my superannuation company, and it will pretty much cover the rest I need to pay. $14,000 - thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am relieved they didn't withhold any, except for the compulsory 21.5% tax. I've paid for an express clearance on the cheque so I can get bank cheques made up on Thursday - one for the anaesthetist, one for the hospital and one for Gorgeous Jon & Co.

Looks like it's all systems GO, and I will be sleeved by this time next week and no longer hungry - whoopee!

Falling Off The Wagon

Aaaaargh. Major black hole alert. Have fallen off the pre-surgery Optifast wagon more than once this week, and am determined to get back on track. I've chosen poorly when it comes to food, and more alarmingly, I have binged three times - not as massive as my pre-pre-surgery binges, but just the fact that the urge is still there makes me so angry. Or is it anger that brings on the urge?? I have so many conflicting emotions about this process, even though I know it's the right thing - THE ONLY THING...and I am premenstrual...the combination of factors has really thrown a spanner in the works.

I am determined to be 100% committed to my last week on Optifast - I know it will make the surgery easier, my recovery will be easier, and the shock to my system won't be so severe if I am partly adjusted to NOT eating. Trying really really hard not to get depressed, angry, upset, frustrated cause all those things make me want to binge more... wish I could get part of my brain removed along with part of my stomach (:

Countdown

Had my last pre-op appointment with Gorgeous Jon yesterday, which went fairly well. Have only lost 4.5kg since I saw him one month ago, he wanted ten kg - I am planning to shift another few kg by the 29th when I go under the scalpel!! Also saw Janet, the pre-op admission nurse, who was mega-nice and told me all about the pain relief options - yay! Gorgeous Jon is being ultra-cautious and warned me that there is a 50/50 chance that my scar tissue from peritonitis might stop him doing the procedure, but Nurse Janet seemed to think it was unlikely to be a problem, as I haven't had issues with the scarring before. Fingers crossed!! I can't imagine waking up in recovery and finding out that NOTHING had changed and I would have to go on Reductil or back onto Xenical... I feel sick just thinking about still being trapped in this horrifying, sad, uncomfortable body...

On a brighter note I had my third session at Contours last night and I'm loving it. The women there are supportive and the workouts are fast and fun. Will definitely keep going.

One Month On Optifast - Photos

Sept 170kg Oct 158kg


Sept 170kg Oct 158kg


I really think my stomach looks smaller!!

Hooray For Contours!

Went and joined up at Contours yesterday and had the BEST workout. I used to have a personal trainer, and went to the gym a lot, it really was the most fun I ever had while exercising - to have that feeling back, even only for 29 minutes a session lol, is wonderful. I'm planning to go at least three times a week, hopefully up to five times, except for a short time away while I am post-surgery. The women who run the place are gorgeous, and the girls-only atmosphere really suits me. My last gym was the base for Perth's triathlete community and there were always a stack of sweaty blokes there hogging the rowing machine.

For those who don't know, Contours is a unique concept (similar to the Curves chain, out of America) whereby they combine cardio and weights into one workout, with 45 second spells on weight machines and rebounders. I used to do a lot of circuit trainer with my personal trainer, and Contours is a low-key version of that. No time to get bored, the music blares out and there is an announcement every 45 seconds saying "Change stations"!! The weight machines are different to Curves, in that they aren't hydraulic so you use your muscles to lift and to lower (rather than the machine pulling the weight back to its starting place). Love it, love it, love it - although my calf muscles are screaming today ha ha!

My scales are currently out of action, thanks to Uber Hubby dripping water all over them while shaving... so I won't be able to weigh in tomorrow. I feel fairly similar to last week, maybe a kilo lighter but not much. Oh well. I'm sure the weight is going down anyway. I just can't wait to have my procedure and let the lap sleeve help me feel full.

Guardian Angels

Such a lot has happened since my last post I hardly know where to start! Firstly, I've been visited by a guardian angel, Divine Dayle, a fellow lap-sleever who has kindly given me her TENS stockings for my surgery, saving me the cost and time of getting some made. I can't thank her enough - you rock Dayle!! I also feel like having the stockings of a successful lap-sleever (Dayle's procedure was done with Gorgeous Jon in Feb) is a lucky charm. Hooray! I love the way that life brings awesome people into our lives when we most need, and least expect them.

I spent Tuesday afternoon ay Mercy with my "crew" - dietician Laura, bariatric assessor Hemah and exercise physio Sue. They are all fab ladies, with support and advice to burn, and although I was totally knackered by the end of the day I felt even more committed to having the surgery and FINALLY curing my weight problem. Got a bit of a kick in the teeth when I got home and found a letter from my super company saying that they will not be able to release the full amount I need for the surgery - aaargh. I'm going to be 5 - 10 grand short, so I am starting to apply for finance, call in favours and grovel to family members! For a while I thought maybe it's not meant to be, that I should wait 11 months til my Medibank Private membership will pay for it...but honestly, how much heavier will I be by then?? I've been losing weight with Optifast, but truthfully my willpower is waning and without the idea of the surgery in a couple of weeks, I feel like I would slip back.

One way or another I am going to have this procedure done, and start getting my life back. I don't have unreasonable goals, simply to be under 100kg would be a huge relief, and by all accounts it's within reach - WITH THE LAP SLEEVE. Not on my own, with optifast, trying to get my fat ass out of bed to walk every morning, feeling constantly tired and hungry. I can't do that anymore. I just have to find the money. I trust that the universe will provide it somehow, and that come Oct 29th I will paid up and ready to go.

Wish me luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Prize Winning Calf

Actually "prize" is the wrong word...maybe "record-breaking calf" is a better description! Called to organize my TENS compression stockings with the Medical Supplies place this morning with my ankle and calf measurements and LITERALLY the guy was struck dumb, and then went "oh" in a tiny voice, before putting his hand over the phone and muttering to a manager or someone for a while...he eventually came back on and said "Are you sure those measurements are correct?" and when I said yes, he informed me that the biggest size they had would be too small and some special ones would have to be made!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my god. It takes a lot to embarrass me, I'm kind of used to being the biggest person in the room, etc, etc, but when a MEDICAL SUPPLIES place freaks out about your size, well, it's kind of demoralising! AND, because I can't buy them ready made they will cost around $250 - which I know, I know, is definitely better than carking it from a DVT.

But still!!

The most annoying thing is, I'll only wear them once as I NEVER intend to have shock-worthy, record-breaking calves ever again. So tomorrow, with my three hospital appointments and my stocking purchase I will be down almost $2000. Ouch. But it is the best investment I'll ever make, I'm sure of it. In a few months I will be saying "Worth every cent, even those damn stockings".

Weight and Measurements

Weighed in this morning, a day early due to the fact that I am staying at a friend's place tonight so will be away from my scales tomorrow. I've lost 1.5kg in the week, which is not enough, and a little disappointing, but IT IS BETTER THAN A GAIN!

So my weight stands now at 158.7kg

Took some measurements today, it being a month since I began Optifast. Didn't take them at the start (doh), but will measure myself every month from now on, to supplement the kilos lost. My measurements are:

• Neck - 39cm
• Bust - 145cm
• Waist - 132cm
• Hip - 161cm
• Thigh - 84cm
• Calf - 64cm

I talked to the pre-admission nurse today, who asked me for my calf measurements - apparently they are so large that the hospital doesn't carry TENS stockings big enough and I have to purchase them privately (another $100)!! Next week I have my assessment day, where I see the dietician, bariatric assessor and the exercise physiologist - and that day I need to pay $1500. After that is the big one, when on surgery day Oct 29 I need to pay $17,000 approx upfront. Obviously you can't carry that around in cash he he... I guess I will need to organise a bank cheque (note to self - ask Clinic next week).

I am alternating between being petrified/nauseous and excited/psyched. I think this month is going to pass by in a blur of adrenalin.

Tiny Victories

Wow. This morning I decided to try and fit into my size 26 jeans (my favourites), and lo and behold I got them on perfectly! I haven't been able to do them up for a long time, since 150kg-ish I think. I never thought I would be so happy to fit into a size 26! Welcome back jeans!

Another victory this week is that APRA have approved my superannuation claim, which means that I should be able to get $18,000 (minus tax) from REST in the next couple of weeks. I called them and they didn't seem to think it would be a problem - hooray! Once tax comes out I will still be a couple of grand short but should be able to make up the shortfall myself or with family loans. It really hit me yesterday that I was going to hospital in three weeks, and I would have a massive permanent change - slightly terrifying... I am still massively excited, and convinced that it's the right thing to do, but the enormity of it hadn't hit me til yesterday (when I realised I would get the money to pay for it).

I was rambling on to my family yesterday about whether Mercy Hospital rent TVs to patients and whether I should buy a portable DVD player to take in, and I said without thinking "I wonder what the food's like"!!!! We all looked at each other for a second and burst out laughing - I guess that's one question that won't be important for me.

On Saturday I will weigh in and take a couple of progress photos as it's been a month since I started on Optifast. I am trying to amp it up a little, walking my dog every morning as well as walking to and from the bus stop/work. Really committed to being 145kg by the time I go under the laparoscope.

A Pinch & A Punch

Oh my goodness, it's October already. Wow. I may as well start an official countdown to my surgery - 28 sleeps to go woo hoo!!!!!

I am having some issues at work, trying to decide if it's the right job, right workplace for me... but this weekend I have realised that now is not the time to make that kind of a change. So, if possible, I will hang in there until Christmas and then re-address the situation. There are a lot of benefits to my job right now:

1. I like a lot of what I do (publications, admin)
2. Mostly, I get on well with my colleagues
3. They are fine with me having 2 weeks sick leave for my operation & recovery
4. My clinic and hospital are just down the road from work
5. I travel 3 hours a day on public transport, which I intend to start using positively, working on some inner-health stuff (meditation, etc) to help in my recovery
6. It's a sedentary job so I will hopefully be able to return to work sooner after surgery

I suppose the bottom line, as with many things, is my attitude. Not having food to "medicate" my emotions with over the last three weeks has made my stress and moods seem SO much worse. The job hasn't changed, or my workplace - just me. And that's okay. This is a massive life-altering thing I am doing, and there's bound to be a period of adjustment.

So my plan for the month is to keep my head down and focused on my work, ignoring petty crap, making sure I am as well-prepared as possible for the 29th of October. Started making a shopping list for the time I will be admitted and the recovery time at home, and joined Bigpond Movies so I can order some DVDs to keep me entertained! I am kind of looking forward to the "ME TIME" he he he.