Sunday, May 25, 2008

Some Days Are Diamonds...

Weigh in this week was a rip-roaring success, with the scales showing me down to 126.5kg (about 3kg lost in two weeks). All together, I've removed 43.5kg from this body, and with every kilo lost I can feel myself coming back to life. I think at the end of this journey more will have changed for me than just my body...a lot is going on in my personal life these days, and I have been struggling with a loss of appetite and general low mood. It's all a bit raw still, so not up for discussion today.

Anyway, I have my eating back to normal and am keeping up my exercise which is the main aim. I am still loving Pilates, and walking every day.

I guess one thing I wanted to record today was my realisation that the food I have eaten over the last 15 years, and the fat I have gained during that time, was hiding more than just my physical self. As I strip away the pounds I am finding ideas, thoughts and feelings that I have suppressed for SUCH a long's the strangest experience. I know it will end up the way destiny intends, and I know that it's "all good" as they say. Even if the journey is not all roses all the time.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Update or Downdate? You Be The Judge!

Like everything, I guess the journey of a sleever has its good and bad times. This week has been a but rockier than others, probably due in part to hormones (don't you just love them - NOT) and in part to working so much overtime at work. Basically, I am tired and cranky and prone to tears! What a mess!

Sometimes I think I get overwhelmed by how lonely it can be... I felt this week like I was the only person who knew what I was going through, which OF COURSE is true, it's the human experience man! Ha ha. We're all alone in our own universe, etc, etc. As much as people want to, and try to, empathise, ultimately no-one knows what it's like for me to have a completely new relationship with food, health and exercise (except other sleevers and bandits, but I guess I'm talking more about people in my day-to-day life).

It is so hard to explain. I've tried before! And no doubt I will keep trying. I guess it feels like I am a completely different person now than I was six months ago. So where does that leave my existing relationships?? How do I relate to people who are THE SAME as they were, and can't grasp how EVERYTHING is different for me, everything is new, everything is exciting, and I just want to erase the first 37 years of my life and start again. It kills me, I get really sad and overwrought because honestly, in total truth mode, I don't know what the fall out will be. In previous times of weight loss I've reached this point and chickened out, regaining the weight and returning to the old Lil, depressed and needy, because THAT is the person everyone knows. But guess what, this time I CAN'T go back, even if I wanted to, which I DON'T. I can't go to Gorgeous Jon and say "Hey, I've changed my mind, can you sew my stomach back in?"

And maybe THAT'S why in the end I chose the sleeve over the band, because in my heart of hearts I knew this time would come and I would have to keep going - no turning back. No matter how scary and lonely it gets, this is it for me. This is who I am.

The most bizarre part for me has been since starting my new job 3 months ago -- I haven't told anyone about the surgery, and no-one knows anything about that old killjoy Lil, so I find myself being more and more the person I used to be, the real me I guess, before the fat and the depression sucked the life out of me. I love this new/old Lil! I feel like there are immense possibilities in life, but crikey it is hard not to feel weighed down sometimes by those who love us and who try so hard to understand (but ultimately don't).

Sorry this is a downer!! I know that this is part of it, part of the crazy world of a sleever. And I welcome it all, good and bad, because it's saving my life every day.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Believe It Or Not!

This is going to sound mega-conceited but I swear it's TRUE. Men have started to look AT me instead of THROUGH me! Just in the last couple of days I have felt some attention, nothing dramatic just a look or a smile here and there. I thank Carson Kressley's new show for it! How To Look Good Naked is such a silly name for the show, it really changed a lot of my ideas and gave me so much to think about. I do feel that my self-perception is improving, which translates to better confidence, which I guess helps me give off a more "attractive" vibe!!!

The other thing that has been a revelation this week is Pilates. I started classes last night, and oh my goodness I am addicted already. It's AMAZING, and all day today I was concentrating on my "core" muscles and my posture - the strength and flexibility my teacher Haroumi has is so inspiring. She's terrific, not your size zero blonde aerobics type person at all (phew), her body is toned and womanly and she's just gorgeous.

Wow. I feel I have turned a corner here people... it's all starting to fall into place. The mind/body connection and all that ha ha! I can't get over the fact that I'm almost half way to my ultimate goal weight of 80 kilos. I've lost 41kg - 90 pounds!!!! And it has been easy, most of the time, certainly easier than weighing food, counting calories, taking tablets, etc. That kind of thing is soul-destroying, and this way I have had more time for ME ME ME!! Ha ha! Seriously, though, one of the things I recommend most highly about weight loss surgery is that it takes care of the eating part (if you are smart about your choices) so you have more time and energy to focus on the mental and emotional journey, which is the rockier path sometimes.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Six Months On...

WEIGH IN NEWS...This week I FINALLY got under the 130kg mark, and weighed in at 129.5kg. Hallelujah!!!

It's now been just over six months since my lap sleeve surgery, and although it sometimes seems like only yesterday that I was 170kg (375 pounds), I really am comfortable now with the "new me". I had a slight miscalculation with my eating this week and threw up the extra mouthful (the old "one bite too many" trick, ugh) but I hardly ever have problems with my food these days. The adjustments that are still ahead of me are mostly mental and emotional... my body has adjusted well to my T4 (Teeny Tiny Tummy Tube), but I still struggle with my Fat Chick thinking. I don't get physical hunger pangs anymore, but the emotional hunger is as strong as ever on my "bad days" - I guess the main benefit is that I can only do a small amount of "damage" through my emotional eating. Instead of eating a family block of chocolate when I’m feeling hormonally challenged, I now eat 2 or 3 small chocolates (snack size). And really, that doesn’t happen a lot. I think as I get further along my new path in life those kind of hiccups will get rarer, as long as I keep working on the mental side of this weight removal thing!

For anyone interested in the finer details, I thought I would record my average daily food intake. I don’t really count calories or carbs or what-have-you, not at this point. I still have half my excess weight to lose, so I imagine I will have to get stricter further down the line. At this point, however, I am lucky enough to just be able to eat whatever I want (within reason!).

BREAKFAST: ¼ cup Bircher muesli with lowfat vanilla yoghurt, OR poached egg on whole grain toast OR Optifast shake
SNACK: Skim milk latte, low fat muffin OR banana OR Bounce Protein Ball
LUNCH: Ham, cheese and salad sandwich on rye bread, OR tuna sushi (6 pieces), OR small nachos, OR cup of vegie soup
SNACK: Coke Zero, ½ cup of popcorn OR potato chips OR cashew/pistachio nuts OR small chocolate bar
DINNER: Palm size piece of steak/chicken/salmon with salad or vegies. I don’t eat potato or pasta or rice. Once a week I have takeaway, usually half a chicken kebab/yiros or a piece of KFC with mashed potato and once a fortnight I have homemade pizza (and then freeze the leftovers to have for lunch, etc. Three small pieces per serve).
SUPPER: Occasionally I will have some fruit or nuts in the evening but I try not to eat after 7pm.
WATER: Most days I have two 600ml bottles of water throughout the day, I am hoping to increase this now I am doing more high intensity exercise.
EXERCISE: Five days a week I walk 4km at a fairly good pace; twice a week I do cardio workout video, I start Pilates classes on Tuesday and have a stretching/weights program I want to do twice a week too.

So there you have it – the life of Lil! It’s pretty cruisy, I know, and I can see that it won’t always be that easy to lose a kilo a week. But while it’s working for me I’ll keep doing it! I also have some visualisation/meditations on my MP3 player that I do two or three times a week (should be more!) and have been working on vision boards with inspirational pictures etc on. I think weight loss removal is a HOLISTIC experience ha ha!!

I went to a secondhand store warehouse sale yesterday, where every item was $1 – I ended up buying so much stuff, spent about $30 and now have some clothes that actually fit me! Yay! I was getting to the point of having to pull my trousers up every five mins – not a good look!!! I bought a gorgeous pink linen skirt for next summer which is a size 18 – nice to have some inspiration I think. Most of the clothes I bought yesterday were 20-22, and this time six months ago I couldn’t fit comfortably in my size 26s. I feel like I have accomplished something, finally, and now when I look in the mirror I don’t see a blob. Wow. I have my follow-up appointment with my surgeon this month, including blood tests, and I can’t wait to see Gorgeous Jon’s verdict! Got to make him proud!