I don't know how many times I've been told to NOT weigh myself more than once a week. But it's hard to resist. I wish I hadn't weighed myself yesterday afternoon as the scales said not only had I not lost more weight, but I had gained! So I had a bit of a hissy fit. "Let's make pancakes" I say to Neil (boyfriend). "No, babe," he replies. I sulked a while and eventually went to bed, hoping that when I do weigh in (have decided Saturday will be the day) I will get good news.
I started stressing out about the scales, which are Neil's. How old are they? Do they work? I've never used them before now. Maybe they're not accurate, and if that's true how on earth will I cope?? It's all about the numbers. It takes such a long time to lose enough weight to notice in clothes, so there's no point in trying to fit into my jeans. I need to buy a tape measure and start measuring my vitals. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow so I will ask him to weigh me (if his scales will fit me, the last doctor I went to only weighed up to 130kg!)
One of my plans for the weekend is to start writing down some goals and rewards. I figure saving $15 a day at the work canteen can be put towards some 5kg rewards (-: Not to mention all the money I'll save not getting McDonalds on the way home...
I was thinking about my sleeve this morning (the vertical sleeve gastrectomy is the weight loss surgery I had in October 2007). If I look at how I sabotaged it, mostly its in terms of McDonalds. Started out with a tiny cheeseburger, and I could barely finish it. But then, next time added a small fries and if I ate slowly, wow I could fit it all in. Then on to a double cheeseburger. Then add a medium fries. Even though I was told by my surgeon to not drink while I was eating, I added a small coke. Low and behold, the sleeve is sabotaged. I stretched it slowly, surely, over time until I could eat what I wanted. Add to that my terrible food choices for snacks and meals, and no wonder I've regained 25 kilos (50 plus pounds).
I'm so damn ANGRY at myself, even though I know there's no point. Even when I read my blog when I was still losing a little bit of weight, I was snacking on chips and chocolate - just cause I could. I didn't address any of the emotional issues I had around eating, so as soon as things got hard I turned to food for comfort.
I have to keep telling myself that it took many, many years to put on 100kg (200 plus pounds) of extra fat. So if it takes me ten years to lose it, then that's okay. That's fine. Especially because the weight loss is going to come with permanent mental and emotional changes. It has to, because otherwise the fat is just going to come back every time. I know that.
PLANS
To see Gorgeous Jon, my weight loss surgeon, and lay it all on the line for him. See if he thinks I need a bypass, or a sleeve revision.
To make an appointment with a psychologist who specialises in eating disorders and binge eating.
To make an appointment with Beverley, a hypnotherapist who also does neurolinguistic programming and has proven success with binge eating.
To keep on with the Optifast and walking half an hour a day and hopefully start to lose weight!
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
The Prodigal Daughter
I'm back, and so is this blog. I need to get back on track, and to do so I'm using Optifast. Day One was 1st July, and in the 5 days since I've already lost 3kg.
My starting weight for this part of the journey is 144kg.
Can you believe it?
25 kilos heavier than my lowest weight (Jan 2008).
*Sigh*
Anyway, I am tired of looking back and regretting and I'm tired of eating to excess.
My eating is out of control, well it was until a few days ago. I'm finding Optifast as simple and useful this time as when I did it before my surgery. I'm on the intensive phase, which is three shakes/bars/soups per day plus 2 cups of non-starch vegies. It lasts for 12 weeks.
My main goal for now is to reach 125kg by the time I go to Melbourne on Sept 1st.
My starting weight for this part of the journey is 144kg.
Can you believe it?
25 kilos heavier than my lowest weight (Jan 2008).
*Sigh*
Anyway, I am tired of looking back and regretting and I'm tired of eating to excess.
My eating is out of control, well it was until a few days ago. I'm finding Optifast as simple and useful this time as when I did it before my surgery. I'm on the intensive phase, which is three shakes/bars/soups per day plus 2 cups of non-starch vegies. It lasts for 12 weeks.
My main goal for now is to reach 125kg by the time I go to Melbourne on Sept 1st.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Battle Of The Bulge
This morning I joined a 20 week challenge at my gym. The brilliant and stellar owner, Pat, called me the other day to tell me about it, as she knew my motivation had been seriously lacking. I hadn't been to the gym for about 6 weeks, and my depression had been so bad that most days I couldn't even get out of bed to shower. Things have started to turn around, and get better, so I decided to take up the challenge.
There are some lovely people in the group, who will meet once a week to compare food plans, exercise, successes, and the gym girls have taken measurements and weights.
FYI, I weighed in at (gulp) 123.5kg (271 pounds).
I am officially 5 kilos heavier than the beginning of the year, before my breakdown. Which is okay. I have made peace with it, and it's a lot less than I would have regained before I had the surgery. I guess I need to accept responsibility now, the smaller stomach basically lost the first 45kg, now I have to apply common sense and restraint to lose the rest. Gorgeous Jon, my surgeon, called me the other day and left a message asking to come in and see him so we can keep track. I have been avoiding seeing him, I am so conflicted now about the surgery and how easy it is to have it done (without psych evaluations, etc). I still think it's a terrific thing, and worth doing, but I do think there should be more support - especially as I was already diagnosed with depression and had serious binge eating issues.
I guess people will say I should have reached out and asked for help before I hit the point of having a breakdown. But the illness is deceptive, and I was on a high seeing such great results. I think I got carried away with the compliments and the fact that I looked better and could buy nice clothes. Shallow!! Now I am dealing with the reality that although I am 45kg lighter, and a lot healthier and fitter, my life is still empty and I am still suffering from image problems and sadness. I'm glad to have finally received a diagnosis, though, because I always knew my behaviour was "out there". I know what's "wrong" with me, and even better I know how to fix it (or at least manage it).
I had a great workout this morning, I have missed going to the gym! I have a new job starting next week, which is Tues, Wed and Friday, so am hoping to get to the gym at least twice a week. I need to establish a new routine, but not overdo it. My other problem, which is something the gastric sleeve couldn't fix, is snacking between meals. Totally out of control. I'm hoping that working again, and being busy, will help me forget about food a little haha!
Probably I should set some goals for the 20 Week Challenge (which is called The Battle of The Bulge, hence the title of this post). I don't want to focus on numbers, but getting back down to 118kg would be nice, which is where I was before my mental episode! I will work out some other fitness goals and post them here.
There are some lovely people in the group, who will meet once a week to compare food plans, exercise, successes, and the gym girls have taken measurements and weights.
FYI, I weighed in at (gulp) 123.5kg (271 pounds).
I am officially 5 kilos heavier than the beginning of the year, before my breakdown. Which is okay. I have made peace with it, and it's a lot less than I would have regained before I had the surgery. I guess I need to accept responsibility now, the smaller stomach basically lost the first 45kg, now I have to apply common sense and restraint to lose the rest. Gorgeous Jon, my surgeon, called me the other day and left a message asking to come in and see him so we can keep track. I have been avoiding seeing him, I am so conflicted now about the surgery and how easy it is to have it done (without psych evaluations, etc). I still think it's a terrific thing, and worth doing, but I do think there should be more support - especially as I was already diagnosed with depression and had serious binge eating issues.
I guess people will say I should have reached out and asked for help before I hit the point of having a breakdown. But the illness is deceptive, and I was on a high seeing such great results. I think I got carried away with the compliments and the fact that I looked better and could buy nice clothes. Shallow!! Now I am dealing with the reality that although I am 45kg lighter, and a lot healthier and fitter, my life is still empty and I am still suffering from image problems and sadness. I'm glad to have finally received a diagnosis, though, because I always knew my behaviour was "out there". I know what's "wrong" with me, and even better I know how to fix it (or at least manage it).
I had a great workout this morning, I have missed going to the gym! I have a new job starting next week, which is Tues, Wed and Friday, so am hoping to get to the gym at least twice a week. I need to establish a new routine, but not overdo it. My other problem, which is something the gastric sleeve couldn't fix, is snacking between meals. Totally out of control. I'm hoping that working again, and being busy, will help me forget about food a little haha!
Probably I should set some goals for the 20 Week Challenge (which is called The Battle of The Bulge, hence the title of this post). I don't want to focus on numbers, but getting back down to 118kg would be nice, which is where I was before my mental episode! I will work out some other fitness goals and post them here.
Friday, January 23, 2009
The Honeymoon Is Over
So here's what I just realised. It's easy, FAR too easy, to sit back and feel happy and proud about losing 52 kilos. I am proud of myself, damn it, and I don't want to take anything away from the success I've already had. However... I really need a kick in the pants, my friends. It's time to either settle for still being 40kg overweight, or to step up and finish this thing once and for all!! It's time to kick some butt, and even though I am in the midst of a breakdown, re-structuring my depression and anxiety medication (while still dealing with a pending divorce, etc, etc), I know that there's only one person who can get me over the line. And that's ME.
Truthfully, I haven't lost any "real" weight for a long time. Oh, I've had reasons, and some damn fine excuses thank you very much. But in the end, that's all they are - excuses. The same old crap I've been telling myself and everybody else for years. Too busy. Too tired. Too sick. Too FREAKIN bad!!!! I need to snap the heck out of it and get back on track, and that starts today, here and now.
Firstly, I need to start exercising properly. The walking I do every day, to and from bus stop etc, is not cutting it. I visited a new ladies only gym that's opening up nearby and will start there on their first trading day - Tuesday. It's gorgeous, all brand new equipment and I will be supporting a local business owner. They have a recumbent exercise bike - woo hoo!! Always wanted to try that, those other exercise bikes give me a pain in the you-know-what hahaha.
Secondly, CUT THE CRAP. Mental crap, yes, but mainly food-type crap. Twisties, chocolate, coffee, diet coke, muffins, chips - these are all things that have recently entered my body on a daily basis. Uh uh!! NO MORE. Tomorrow I am shopping for all my old favourites, fat-free jelly snakes, low-fat yoghurt and mousse desserts, rice crackers and lots of fruit.
I know that I've already passed the prime weight loss time, which docs say is between 6 - 12 months after the surgery. I'm well into my 15th month sleeved. But just because it's not going to come off as easily, does not mean it won't come off. It will. I'm going to build muscle with weight training, which I've always loved, and that muscle will help me burn fat. I'm going to cut out snacking between meals and choose high quality foods for my meals.
I'm sorry, but I am NOT HAPPY WITH LOSING 52 KILOS!!! I need more, dammit, more, more, more hahahahaha!! My goal weight when I started this journey was 80kg, my surgeon said 100kg was a fair goal. So my first goal is to be under 100kg by my 39th birthday in June. Once there, I will re-examine my goals, and will reward myself with a visit to a plastic surgeon to start looking at tummy tuck and boob job options for 2010.
Deep breath, kick in the pants, and here we go....
Truthfully, I haven't lost any "real" weight for a long time. Oh, I've had reasons, and some damn fine excuses thank you very much. But in the end, that's all they are - excuses. The same old crap I've been telling myself and everybody else for years. Too busy. Too tired. Too sick. Too FREAKIN bad!!!! I need to snap the heck out of it and get back on track, and that starts today, here and now.
Firstly, I need to start exercising properly. The walking I do every day, to and from bus stop etc, is not cutting it. I visited a new ladies only gym that's opening up nearby and will start there on their first trading day - Tuesday. It's gorgeous, all brand new equipment and I will be supporting a local business owner. They have a recumbent exercise bike - woo hoo!! Always wanted to try that, those other exercise bikes give me a pain in the you-know-what hahaha.
Secondly, CUT THE CRAP. Mental crap, yes, but mainly food-type crap. Twisties, chocolate, coffee, diet coke, muffins, chips - these are all things that have recently entered my body on a daily basis. Uh uh!! NO MORE. Tomorrow I am shopping for all my old favourites, fat-free jelly snakes, low-fat yoghurt and mousse desserts, rice crackers and lots of fruit.
I know that I've already passed the prime weight loss time, which docs say is between 6 - 12 months after the surgery. I'm well into my 15th month sleeved. But just because it's not going to come off as easily, does not mean it won't come off. It will. I'm going to build muscle with weight training, which I've always loved, and that muscle will help me burn fat. I'm going to cut out snacking between meals and choose high quality foods for my meals.
I'm sorry, but I am NOT HAPPY WITH LOSING 52 KILOS!!! I need more, dammit, more, more, more hahahahaha!! My goal weight when I started this journey was 80kg, my surgeon said 100kg was a fair goal. So my first goal is to be under 100kg by my 39th birthday in June. Once there, I will re-examine my goals, and will reward myself with a visit to a plastic surgeon to start looking at tummy tuck and boob job options for 2010.
Deep breath, kick in the pants, and here we go....
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Despite Rumours To The Contrary...
I AM NOT DEAD! Nor have I moved to Adelaide, lovely city though it is. I can't believe how long it's been since I last updated my blog - slack and busy, not that it's any excuse! Adelaide was brilliant, I had a ball catching up with my friend Hayley and basically spent too much money (secondhand books are so cheap there!!). Returned home three days later with twice as much luggage and a quarter as much money ha ha.
One thing I wasn't expecting, or hadn't thought through, was the challenge of eating while travelling. It's much harder to be organised and vigilant, making sure you have the right amounts of nutrients and so forth. I found that I ate out for every single meal except breakfast, and I usually have five meals a day. Cause you can't order small proper meals, only entree type things, I either had to choose between wasting half a good protein choice (eg: steak) or finishing a bread-based entree (eg: bruschetta). I definitely will have to be better organised the next time I am away from home. As a consequence, or maybe just as part of another plateau, my weight has stayed the same for the last two weeks. I started my new job last week, and adjusting to the new timetable and new premises has probably also hampered my eating. I take almost an hour to eat breakfast these days, and I have to catch the bus to the city at 6:45am, so I get up at 5:15. I used to get up that early, or around that time, and walk my dog -- now I get the same amount of walking from the train station to work, but I don't get the time with my dog. I am also finding it a challenge to get into a routine of going to the gym again.
I know I will get there, it's just a readjustment phase I think. To make matters more uncertain, it looks like we will have to move in the next month as our landlord intends to sell up. I really didn't need to start a new job, have major surgery and move house all within six months ha ha. But we're thinking it could be an incentive to find somewhere cheaper (everything you've heard about the cost of living in Perth is true - yikes), and I am angling for somewhere within walking distance to the gym.
Next Monday it will be sixteen weeks since my surgery. It really is becoming such a "normal" part of me now, and I hardly even think about it. I automatically put the right amount of food on my plate, and eat protein first, and never try and drink at the same time as eating. I never thought it would become second nature, but it does. That's one of the reasons I'm happy to have these plateaus or stalls... losing the weight too quickly and in huge chunks would make me freak out a bit I think. I need the time to adjust mentally to the weight loss as well as physically. I set myself a goal to be 120kg by the time I see Gorgeous Jon for my surgical review in May, which means I need to shed 16kg or so in 10 - 12 weeks, which is definitely within reach. That will mean I'll be 45kg lighter than the first time he saw me, 50kg lighter than when I began this amazing journey back in September.
Wow, I have missed everyone on the forums, and on the emails and blogs!!! I've decided to cut back on watching TV, and switch it off at 7.30pm every night so I can catch up on WLS-related stuff before I go to bed. I go to bed SO EARLY because I get up at 5am...it's light when I go to sleep and dark when I wake up - how weird is that??!! I better shut up now, but I promise to keep the updates coming now I am back on track!
One thing I wasn't expecting, or hadn't thought through, was the challenge of eating while travelling. It's much harder to be organised and vigilant, making sure you have the right amounts of nutrients and so forth. I found that I ate out for every single meal except breakfast, and I usually have five meals a day. Cause you can't order small proper meals, only entree type things, I either had to choose between wasting half a good protein choice (eg: steak) or finishing a bread-based entree (eg: bruschetta). I definitely will have to be better organised the next time I am away from home. As a consequence, or maybe just as part of another plateau, my weight has stayed the same for the last two weeks. I started my new job last week, and adjusting to the new timetable and new premises has probably also hampered my eating. I take almost an hour to eat breakfast these days, and I have to catch the bus to the city at 6:45am, so I get up at 5:15. I used to get up that early, or around that time, and walk my dog -- now I get the same amount of walking from the train station to work, but I don't get the time with my dog. I am also finding it a challenge to get into a routine of going to the gym again.
I know I will get there, it's just a readjustment phase I think. To make matters more uncertain, it looks like we will have to move in the next month as our landlord intends to sell up. I really didn't need to start a new job, have major surgery and move house all within six months ha ha. But we're thinking it could be an incentive to find somewhere cheaper (everything you've heard about the cost of living in Perth is true - yikes), and I am angling for somewhere within walking distance to the gym.
Next Monday it will be sixteen weeks since my surgery. It really is becoming such a "normal" part of me now, and I hardly even think about it. I automatically put the right amount of food on my plate, and eat protein first, and never try and drink at the same time as eating. I never thought it would become second nature, but it does. That's one of the reasons I'm happy to have these plateaus or stalls... losing the weight too quickly and in huge chunks would make me freak out a bit I think. I need the time to adjust mentally to the weight loss as well as physically. I set myself a goal to be 120kg by the time I see Gorgeous Jon for my surgical review in May, which means I need to shed 16kg or so in 10 - 12 weeks, which is definitely within reach. That will mean I'll be 45kg lighter than the first time he saw me, 50kg lighter than when I began this amazing journey back in September.
Wow, I have missed everyone on the forums, and on the emails and blogs!!! I've decided to cut back on watching TV, and switch it off at 7.30pm every night so I can catch up on WLS-related stuff before I go to bed. I go to bed SO EARLY because I get up at 5am...it's light when I go to sleep and dark when I wake up - how weird is that??!! I better shut up now, but I promise to keep the updates coming now I am back on track!
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
This Time Next Year...
I will be in New York City with my other half, gearing up for a proper "White Christmas"! We plan to leave on December 14, the day after my nanna's 90th birthday, and will be away for 6-8 weeks, depending on how much time we can get off work, etc. Planning to spend New Year's Eve in the Caribbean (St Maarten), then on to Europe to see friends and family and hoping to fit in a cruise from Greece to Egypt! Phew. Will need a vacation to recover from all that lol.
I know I will be at my first goal, 99kg, and probably even lighter than that. My new goal is to be 80kg, which at 5 ft 10 will make me just fractionally "overweight". I feel 100% sure now that I will get there, sitting pretty in a size 16 baby. Jeez, when I was last a size 16 (aged 16 ha ha) I thought I was THE FATTEST, UGLIEST HEIFER in the herd... and certainly adults and kids alike told me I was fat, regularly. My BMI was 21.4 for crying out loud. Makes me so mad.
Like Dr Phil says, there is no "reality", only our perception. Put me in a size 16 these days and I will feel like Beyonce, Nigella and Pink all rolled into one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know I will be at my first goal, 99kg, and probably even lighter than that. My new goal is to be 80kg, which at 5 ft 10 will make me just fractionally "overweight". I feel 100% sure now that I will get there, sitting pretty in a size 16 baby. Jeez, when I was last a size 16 (aged 16 ha ha) I thought I was THE FATTEST, UGLIEST HEIFER in the herd... and certainly adults and kids alike told me I was fat, regularly. My BMI was 21.4 for crying out loud. Makes me so mad.
Like Dr Phil says, there is no "reality", only our perception. Put me in a size 16 these days and I will feel like Beyonce, Nigella and Pink all rolled into one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, November 30, 2007
News On The Job Front
I resigned a couple of weeks ago, after feeling unhappy and dissatisfied for a number of months. I wanted to leave a while back, but decided it was better to stay through my operation and recovery, as I had already arranged leave, etc - I initially thought I would start looking in the new year, but just couldn't wait that long. I am SO impatient.
Anyway, the economic situation in WA, and the fact that every man and his dog is working in the mining industry, means that it's a candidate's market - I've literally been inundated with job prospects, which is weird! I'm not used to being able to pick and choose... To cut a long story short, I accepted a job today at a law firm in the CBD, doing secretarial/project/database work. FINALLY am moving away from customer service roles, which I've done for 20 years and am heartily sick of!! No more phone calls, making coffee and delivering the mail! Yippee! It's also a bit more money, which is always good. One of the funny things is the company has a monthly get-together with pizza -- in the old (pre-T4) days that would have been the most exciting news ever lol. I will still enjoy my pizza, but probably only one or two pieces instead of one or two whole pizzas!!
This year has been one of huge change and a lot of challenges, but I know that it's all leading to my new, fulfilling life, a life where I am not always hungry and tired and empty. It's been such a long time since I felt this positive about the future, and since I wanted to find a niche for myself in the employment world. For years I thought I wouldn't be able to return to full-time work, suffering from fibromyalgia and depression and god knows what else. But gradually I've made it through that tunnel and am strong enough to give a proper full-time job a try. Wow. It's amazing how good that feels and sounds! Small victories, my friends, that's what it's about.
Anyway, the economic situation in WA, and the fact that every man and his dog is working in the mining industry, means that it's a candidate's market - I've literally been inundated with job prospects, which is weird! I'm not used to being able to pick and choose... To cut a long story short, I accepted a job today at a law firm in the CBD, doing secretarial/project/database work. FINALLY am moving away from customer service roles, which I've done for 20 years and am heartily sick of!! No more phone calls, making coffee and delivering the mail! Yippee! It's also a bit more money, which is always good. One of the funny things is the company has a monthly get-together with pizza -- in the old (pre-T4) days that would have been the most exciting news ever lol. I will still enjoy my pizza, but probably only one or two pieces instead of one or two whole pizzas!!
This year has been one of huge change and a lot of challenges, but I know that it's all leading to my new, fulfilling life, a life where I am not always hungry and tired and empty. It's been such a long time since I felt this positive about the future, and since I wanted to find a niche for myself in the employment world. For years I thought I wouldn't be able to return to full-time work, suffering from fibromyalgia and depression and god knows what else. But gradually I've made it through that tunnel and am strong enough to give a proper full-time job a try. Wow. It's amazing how good that feels and sounds! Small victories, my friends, that's what it's about.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Weigh In, Rewards & Challenges
This morning my official weigh in puts me at 148.9kg, meaning that I am 6.1kg lighter than the day of my surgery and 21.1kg lighter than the day I decided to have weight loss surgery (and started on Optifast). I'm stoked with the results, especially after watching the Biggest Loser last night and realising that even those people are working their asses off, statistically they have little chance of keeping the weight off. I felt sad for them, and relieved that I was rejected by the Australian producers - I decided in August that I would either be on the Biggest Loser or have weight loss surgery, and you all know how that turned out (: Turns out to be the happiest rejection of my life!! I don't have to cry and sweat on national television, I don't need to spend 8 hours a day in the gym, and I am guaranteed to permanently change my eating habits. Woo hoo! Even if I get cranky, or hormonal, or bored with the process of losing weight, I can NEVER go off this "diet" because it really is a lifestyle change. I am thinking of renaming my lap sleeve surgery WEIGHT LOSS FOR DUMMIES lol.
On a more serious note, I have set some rewards and challenges for each milestone I reach. Thought I may as well record them here. These are the rewards for each major loss:
On a more serious note, I have set some rewards and challenges for each milestone I reach. Thought I may as well record them here. These are the rewards for each major loss:
- 20kg loss -- buy a new blender (DONE last week - yippee!)
- 30kg loss -- family trip to Rottnest Island
- 40kg loss -- buy new running shoes in Jan/Feb sales
- 50kg loss -- Easter 2008 trip to Exmouth
- 60kg loss -- Buy a bicycle
- 70kg loss -- November 2008 trip around the world
- Anything extra to get me under 100kg is a bonus, I want to get a scooter but hubby says too dangerous!
Then I have set myself some challenges for once I reach each milestone:
- 20kg loss - practise bending over and pedicure my toenails lol
- 30kg loss - ride a bike on our trip to Rottnest
- 40kg loss - start jogging/shuffling during my walks
- 50kg loss - swim/dive with whale sharks and manta rays at Exmouth
- 60kg loss - join a dance class
- 70kg loss - sit in my economy class plane seat and be relatively comfortable, without a seatbelt extender!
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