Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Do You Wanna Know A Secret?

This week on one of my favourite message boards there has been some posting about "failure", ie: people who regain weight after weight loss surgery. http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/amos/a,messageboard/action,replies/board_id,4856/cat_id,4456/topic_id,3491605/

In defence of the vsg, they are mostly posts from people who had the RNY, which is a different procedure entirely. But it got me to thinking how determined I am to NOT fail at this. I knew going into the surgery that the sleeve was a tool only, not a solution, and I have been trying to work through my anxieties and fears through meditation, self-help techniques, etc. I honestly feel like my addiction to food is under control now in a way that it has never been, even though I know there will always be the "urge" to overeat, my mind is so conscious of the pain and the consequences of overeating that I avoid it at all costs!

Anyway. One of the things that I believe has been a stumbling block in my previous weight loss attempts is self-sabotage, fear of failure, etc. To return to the title of this post, my deep dark secret is this: THE CURSE OF THE 30 KG!!!! (Cue haunted house music, bats squawking, etc). I have been very successful three times at losing weight. In 1990 I did Weight Watchers and lost around 25kg. In 2001 I was on Xenical and lost around 28kg. In 2005 I was on Dr Phil's Weight Loss Challenge and lost around 32kg. See a pattern?? I have only managed to lose between 25 and 35kg before I fall off the wagon, into the ditch, break my will and smooth it over with chocolate. I am so scared of the 30kg curse... I won't relax again with my weight loss until I am well and truly past 35kg. Even though I KNOW that this time I physically can't regain that weight, it still freaks me out. I said to Gorgeous Jon (surgeon extraordinaire) at my first appointment that I have no trouble at all losing weight, I just suck at keeping it off!

This time is different though, for a whole stack of reasons. This surgery is revolutionary, to me, as it takes the "hard" part (limiting my food intake) out of my hands so I can concentrate my energy on the mental issues (and jeepers they are many lol). I need to work out why I am so terrified of being "thin". I think it's partly a reaction to being malnourished for two years while at boarding school. I'm not exaggerating! Years later there was an investigation into the budget of the school and although $4 a day was set aside for each student's food, in reality only $1.20 was spent. The rest went into the headmaster's daughter and her rotten pony club (well, that's my theory ha ha!). We lived on utter rubbish, mostly starchy carbs supplemented by junk food (starchy carbs) we bought from our pocket money. During that time I started leaving a healthy weight/BMI behind, and have left it in the dust.

Well, I won't bore you with all my weird revelations and anecdotes! Rest assured that this weight loss journey is at least 50% mental, and I'm workin' it. Hope y'all are too! Drop me a line and let me know how you're going fellow travellers xxx


Anette said...

Hello :)

I read your post today and i just want to tell you that i really agree with what you are saying, and that I soooo well know the fear of it all. I am also really good at loosing weight, if I put my mind to it. It's indeed keeping it off that is the hard part! And I am so scared that I won't be able to.
I haven't had surgery yet, but will in a couple of months (VSG), and I found your blog through OH just a few days ago, and I must say that find it very inspiring and interesting to read other peoples stories :)
I think you are very, very brave and I want to congratulate you with your wonderful result and wish you all the best of luck for the road ahead! :)


Last Chance Lil said...

Thanks so much Anette! I find that sharing my experiences helps me make sense of them, and like you I also find reading other people's stories very inspiring. Wow, I bet you are looking forward to your surgery! How exciting. Keep in touch and let me know how it goes. Love Lil xx