I don't know how many times I've been told to NOT weigh myself more than once a week. But it's hard to resist. I wish I hadn't weighed myself yesterday afternoon as the scales said not only had I not lost more weight, but I had gained! So I had a bit of a hissy fit. "Let's make pancakes" I say to Neil (boyfriend). "No, babe," he replies. I sulked a while and eventually went to bed, hoping that when I do weigh in (have decided Saturday will be the day) I will get good news.
I started stressing out about the scales, which are Neil's. How old are they? Do they work? I've never used them before now. Maybe they're not accurate, and if that's true how on earth will I cope?? It's all about the numbers. It takes such a long time to lose enough weight to notice in clothes, so there's no point in trying to fit into my jeans. I need to buy a tape measure and start measuring my vitals. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow so I will ask him to weigh me (if his scales will fit me, the last doctor I went to only weighed up to 130kg!)
One of my plans for the weekend is to start writing down some goals and rewards. I figure saving $15 a day at the work canteen can be put towards some 5kg rewards (-: Not to mention all the money I'll save not getting McDonalds on the way home...
I was thinking about my sleeve this morning (the vertical sleeve gastrectomy is the weight loss surgery I had in October 2007). If I look at how I sabotaged it, mostly its in terms of McDonalds. Started out with a tiny cheeseburger, and I could barely finish it. But then, next time added a small fries and if I ate slowly, wow I could fit it all in. Then on to a double cheeseburger. Then add a medium fries. Even though I was told by my surgeon to not drink while I was eating, I added a small coke. Low and behold, the sleeve is sabotaged. I stretched it slowly, surely, over time until I could eat what I wanted. Add to that my terrible food choices for snacks and meals, and no wonder I've regained 25 kilos (50 plus pounds).
I'm so damn ANGRY at myself, even though I know there's no point. Even when I read my blog when I was still losing a little bit of weight, I was snacking on chips and chocolate - just cause I could. I didn't address any of the emotional issues I had around eating, so as soon as things got hard I turned to food for comfort.
I have to keep telling myself that it took many, many years to put on 100kg (200 plus pounds) of extra fat. So if it takes me ten years to lose it, then that's okay. That's fine. Especially because the weight loss is going to come with permanent mental and emotional changes. It has to, because otherwise the fat is just going to come back every time. I know that.
PLANS
To see Gorgeous Jon, my weight loss surgeon, and lay it all on the line for him. See if he thinks I need a bypass, or a sleeve revision.
To make an appointment with a psychologist who specialises in eating disorders and binge eating.
To make an appointment with Beverley, a hypnotherapist who also does neurolinguistic programming and has proven success with binge eating.
To keep on with the Optifast and walking half an hour a day and hopefully start to lose weight!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
The Prodigal Daughter
I'm back, and so is this blog. I need to get back on track, and to do so I'm using Optifast. Day One was 1st July, and in the 5 days since I've already lost 3kg.
My starting weight for this part of the journey is 144kg.
Can you believe it?
25 kilos heavier than my lowest weight (Jan 2008).
*Sigh*
Anyway, I am tired of looking back and regretting and I'm tired of eating to excess.
My eating is out of control, well it was until a few days ago. I'm finding Optifast as simple and useful this time as when I did it before my surgery. I'm on the intensive phase, which is three shakes/bars/soups per day plus 2 cups of non-starch vegies. It lasts for 12 weeks.
My main goal for now is to reach 125kg by the time I go to Melbourne on Sept 1st.
My starting weight for this part of the journey is 144kg.
Can you believe it?
25 kilos heavier than my lowest weight (Jan 2008).
*Sigh*
Anyway, I am tired of looking back and regretting and I'm tired of eating to excess.
My eating is out of control, well it was until a few days ago. I'm finding Optifast as simple and useful this time as when I did it before my surgery. I'm on the intensive phase, which is three shakes/bars/soups per day plus 2 cups of non-starch vegies. It lasts for 12 weeks.
My main goal for now is to reach 125kg by the time I go to Melbourne on Sept 1st.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
The Way Things Are Sometimes
For anyone who visits here, and not over there (at Bowling With Borderline Lil), I thought I would post a few updates. I don't maintain this blog, for a number of reasons, but I do get your emails and comments - thank you everyone! One of the reasons I haven't posted much here for the last 6 months, and why I don't always respond to emails from pre-surgery patients, is that these days I have mixed feelings about weight loss surgery. My surgeon has been asking me to come in for a follow-up as it's been 18 months since I went to see him, but I have avoided it. I don't know what to say... I'm binge eating again, I can eat almost as much now as before my tube gastrectomy, I've put on weight over the last year rather than losing it? I think that my surgery, weight loss, divorce, breakdown were all meant to happen, but occasionally I think about how I was able to have this drastic surgery with NO psychological counselling, even though I now know I have BED (Binge Eating Disorder) and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I think most people who have the surgery will be fine, as long as they don't have serious eating disorders. I think the surgery (and the 50kg weight loss) probably saved or at least prolonged my life. Being divorced is tough, but it's okay, and I think it's an honest life - more than I had before.
Please don't misunderstand me, I firmly believe in weight loss surgery as a concept. I know it's helped millions of people. In many ways, it helped me. I just wish that I had been forced to have some counselling beforehand, in order to discover where some of my future issues may have been. Anyway, it's done now, and I'm grateful for better health, and the rest is up to me. I just wish I'd never believed that it was the answer to my problems. THAT, my friends, is something I am still learning. I also believed it would change my eating habits, which is not true. For 6 months I ate a lot less, but now I know I have stretched my stomach and can eat way too much, and as usual all the unhealthy food choices are the attractive ones.
On a more positive note I am working again, part-time for a charity doing events management, admin, assisting the Executive Officer. I LOVE my job, and the people at work. It really makes a difference. Also, there are no men there LOL. Which is a good thing when you're easily distracted haha. I am determinedly single now, not interested in even the idea of a relationship, and that has helped with my recovery. I'm stable and sane these days - and owe a lot of that to my psychiatrist and Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. I'm hoping CBT can help with my binge eating too.
The negatives in my life are few, but major. I haven't exercised regularly all year, apart from sporadic visits to the gym. I am cash-strapped in the wake of divorce, disability, and part-time employment. How does Alanis Morrissette put it - "I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind..." Overall, I am on a much healthier path than this time 6 months ago (or 12 months ago).
Would I have the surgery again, given the choice? Yes. But I would insist on counselling, and do a lot more reading about binge eating and addiction transferral. I hope this post doesn't come across as negative, I've put off writing it for a long time because I wanted to be honest without being a naysayer. But in the spirit of blogging, the truth needed to come out.
Peace to you, my friends xx
Please don't misunderstand me, I firmly believe in weight loss surgery as a concept. I know it's helped millions of people. In many ways, it helped me. I just wish that I had been forced to have some counselling beforehand, in order to discover where some of my future issues may have been. Anyway, it's done now, and I'm grateful for better health, and the rest is up to me. I just wish I'd never believed that it was the answer to my problems. THAT, my friends, is something I am still learning. I also believed it would change my eating habits, which is not true. For 6 months I ate a lot less, but now I know I have stretched my stomach and can eat way too much, and as usual all the unhealthy food choices are the attractive ones.
On a more positive note I am working again, part-time for a charity doing events management, admin, assisting the Executive Officer. I LOVE my job, and the people at work. It really makes a difference. Also, there are no men there LOL. Which is a good thing when you're easily distracted haha. I am determinedly single now, not interested in even the idea of a relationship, and that has helped with my recovery. I'm stable and sane these days - and owe a lot of that to my psychiatrist and Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. I'm hoping CBT can help with my binge eating too.
The negatives in my life are few, but major. I haven't exercised regularly all year, apart from sporadic visits to the gym. I am cash-strapped in the wake of divorce, disability, and part-time employment. How does Alanis Morrissette put it - "I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind..." Overall, I am on a much healthier path than this time 6 months ago (or 12 months ago).
Would I have the surgery again, given the choice? Yes. But I would insist on counselling, and do a lot more reading about binge eating and addiction transferral. I hope this post doesn't come across as negative, I've put off writing it for a long time because I wanted to be honest without being a naysayer. But in the spirit of blogging, the truth needed to come out.
Peace to you, my friends xx
Friday, May 8, 2009
Battle Of The Bulge
This morning I joined a 20 week challenge at my gym. The brilliant and stellar owner, Pat, called me the other day to tell me about it, as she knew my motivation had been seriously lacking. I hadn't been to the gym for about 6 weeks, and my depression had been so bad that most days I couldn't even get out of bed to shower. Things have started to turn around, and get better, so I decided to take up the challenge.
There are some lovely people in the group, who will meet once a week to compare food plans, exercise, successes, and the gym girls have taken measurements and weights.
FYI, I weighed in at (gulp) 123.5kg (271 pounds).
I am officially 5 kilos heavier than the beginning of the year, before my breakdown. Which is okay. I have made peace with it, and it's a lot less than I would have regained before I had the surgery. I guess I need to accept responsibility now, the smaller stomach basically lost the first 45kg, now I have to apply common sense and restraint to lose the rest. Gorgeous Jon, my surgeon, called me the other day and left a message asking to come in and see him so we can keep track. I have been avoiding seeing him, I am so conflicted now about the surgery and how easy it is to have it done (without psych evaluations, etc). I still think it's a terrific thing, and worth doing, but I do think there should be more support - especially as I was already diagnosed with depression and had serious binge eating issues.
I guess people will say I should have reached out and asked for help before I hit the point of having a breakdown. But the illness is deceptive, and I was on a high seeing such great results. I think I got carried away with the compliments and the fact that I looked better and could buy nice clothes. Shallow!! Now I am dealing with the reality that although I am 45kg lighter, and a lot healthier and fitter, my life is still empty and I am still suffering from image problems and sadness. I'm glad to have finally received a diagnosis, though, because I always knew my behaviour was "out there". I know what's "wrong" with me, and even better I know how to fix it (or at least manage it).
I had a great workout this morning, I have missed going to the gym! I have a new job starting next week, which is Tues, Wed and Friday, so am hoping to get to the gym at least twice a week. I need to establish a new routine, but not overdo it. My other problem, which is something the gastric sleeve couldn't fix, is snacking between meals. Totally out of control. I'm hoping that working again, and being busy, will help me forget about food a little haha!
Probably I should set some goals for the 20 Week Challenge (which is called The Battle of The Bulge, hence the title of this post). I don't want to focus on numbers, but getting back down to 118kg would be nice, which is where I was before my mental episode! I will work out some other fitness goals and post them here.
There are some lovely people in the group, who will meet once a week to compare food plans, exercise, successes, and the gym girls have taken measurements and weights.
FYI, I weighed in at (gulp) 123.5kg (271 pounds).
I am officially 5 kilos heavier than the beginning of the year, before my breakdown. Which is okay. I have made peace with it, and it's a lot less than I would have regained before I had the surgery. I guess I need to accept responsibility now, the smaller stomach basically lost the first 45kg, now I have to apply common sense and restraint to lose the rest. Gorgeous Jon, my surgeon, called me the other day and left a message asking to come in and see him so we can keep track. I have been avoiding seeing him, I am so conflicted now about the surgery and how easy it is to have it done (without psych evaluations, etc). I still think it's a terrific thing, and worth doing, but I do think there should be more support - especially as I was already diagnosed with depression and had serious binge eating issues.
I guess people will say I should have reached out and asked for help before I hit the point of having a breakdown. But the illness is deceptive, and I was on a high seeing such great results. I think I got carried away with the compliments and the fact that I looked better and could buy nice clothes. Shallow!! Now I am dealing with the reality that although I am 45kg lighter, and a lot healthier and fitter, my life is still empty and I am still suffering from image problems and sadness. I'm glad to have finally received a diagnosis, though, because I always knew my behaviour was "out there". I know what's "wrong" with me, and even better I know how to fix it (or at least manage it).
I had a great workout this morning, I have missed going to the gym! I have a new job starting next week, which is Tues, Wed and Friday, so am hoping to get to the gym at least twice a week. I need to establish a new routine, but not overdo it. My other problem, which is something the gastric sleeve couldn't fix, is snacking between meals. Totally out of control. I'm hoping that working again, and being busy, will help me forget about food a little haha!
Probably I should set some goals for the 20 Week Challenge (which is called The Battle of The Bulge, hence the title of this post). I don't want to focus on numbers, but getting back down to 118kg would be nice, which is where I was before my mental episode! I will work out some other fitness goals and post them here.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Once I Was Overweight
Once I was Overweight. It was 1992.
I'm almost five foot ten and I weighed about 80kg (175 pounds).
I'm almost five foot ten and I weighed about 80kg (175 pounds).
After that, about 4 years later, I moved into the Obese category, weighing about 95kg (209).
Eventually, after the Heartbreak of 1997 and the Doomed Marriage of 2000, I qualified for the Super Morbid Obese category, and let me tell you not just any old fat chick gets that label. My BMI was 54, and I weighed around 170kg (374).
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I was the second heaviest person in my class. It was 1986 and I was 16 years old, almost at the height I am now (five nine and a half). I weighed 64kg. Smack bang in the middle of the Healthy Weight category. I'll say it again - I was the second heaviest person in my class, including boys. Every day I was told I was fat, ugly, slow and was always the last person chosen for sports.No wonder I have such a screwed-up body image. No wonder I constantly question whether it's even worth all this money (cost of my weight loss surgery =$18,000) and effort to get to my new goal weight of 80kg, which will see me still Overweight. I need to find a way to disconnect from the numbers, but how do I measure my "success" if not through BMI points, clothing sizes, centimetres and kilos? Sure, there are a number of things I can do comfortably now that I couldn't 50kg ago. I'm not disputing the fact that I've lost weight and gained health and fitness. But basically, I've hated my body since I was 10 years old, no matter what number was attached to it. And lots of other people have hated it too, and have told me so.
Sadly, I find myself still hating my body, still lamenting its ugly lumpen-ness and scarring. Even worse, now I've lost a lot more weight from my top half than my bottom bits - where I was once an "even" size 26, I'm now 20-22 in pants and 16-18 in tops. Nothing fits me properly. I would never want to go back. But sometimes I wonder WHEN or IF I will be able to learn how to value my body instead of viewing it as my enemy.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Binge Eating Vs Mindfulness -- SMACKDOWN
Awareness of the moment is when change can begin
www.tcme.org
My new weapon in the war against regaining the weight - Mindfulness. Interestingly enough, the concept of mindfulness is a huge part of the Cognitive Behaviour Therapy I'm learning in order to help deal with my psychiatric illness. In one of those rare moments of synchronicity, it turns out that my impulsive behaviour (binge eating) is connected to my illness (BPD), as well as being one of the causes of my weight problem. The good news there is that one weapon can do double duty and (hopefully) kick both these issues in the ass. Mindfulness is one of those simple concepts which could fix most of my problems... basically I just need to slow down and examine each moment, thought, feeling, urge, impulse, emotion. Rather than eat, emote or act as soon as the urge strikes me, I need to take time to decide on the truth and validity of the desires. Am I really hungry? Is this the "best" food choice for me? Dr Phil's Weight Loss Challenge states it similarly by putting thoughts through the Four Questions: Is my internal dialogue true? Does it serve my best interests? Does it advance and protect my health? Is it helping me achieve my weight management goals?
It seems simple and trite, but I know it works. It's just a matter of adding that extra step or two to my thought patterns, an extra step I think most people are born with or learn as children. I consider my Cognitive Behaviour Therapy to be training myself to audit or interpret things and installing a new filter/interpreter. After all these years of living in the moment (or even a step AHEAD of the moment, crazily enough) it's tricky to slow down and think about things analytically before acting/eating. With eating, so much of it is habit -- I always prefer eating in front of the TV or while reading, which is definitely NOT being mindful. Eating at the table with my family has just become an agony...which I try and get over as soon as possible, again NOT the way to be mindful of how and what I am eating. I'm going to eat in my room at my desk, or outside on the patio, in an effort to retrain myself. I just CANNOT learn to eat slowly and mindfully with the loons I call my family staring at me!!
I've found a couple of great Mindful Eating websites which will help me learn better habits. Understandably, my shrinks are more focused on other areas of CBT at the moment, but there's no reason I can't apply basic mindfulness techniques to my everyday eating. I am trying not to become extreme in my views about what I can/can't/shouldn't eat... for obvious reasons. I have also decided to not worry about my actual numerical weight for a while, as long as I stay under 125kg. There is a long road ahead, and being well and stable is a more important goal than being "X" kg. I'm going to the gym 3 or 4 times a week, and doing my best to avoid junk food. The rest of it will come later.
www.tcme.org
www.mindfuleating.org
www.amihungry.com
www.eatingmindfully.com
www.tcme.org
My new weapon in the war against regaining the weight - Mindfulness. Interestingly enough, the concept of mindfulness is a huge part of the Cognitive Behaviour Therapy I'm learning in order to help deal with my psychiatric illness. In one of those rare moments of synchronicity, it turns out that my impulsive behaviour (binge eating) is connected to my illness (BPD), as well as being one of the causes of my weight problem. The good news there is that one weapon can do double duty and (hopefully) kick both these issues in the ass. Mindfulness is one of those simple concepts which could fix most of my problems... basically I just need to slow down and examine each moment, thought, feeling, urge, impulse, emotion. Rather than eat, emote or act as soon as the urge strikes me, I need to take time to decide on the truth and validity of the desires. Am I really hungry? Is this the "best" food choice for me? Dr Phil's Weight Loss Challenge states it similarly by putting thoughts through the Four Questions: Is my internal dialogue true? Does it serve my best interests? Does it advance and protect my health? Is it helping me achieve my weight management goals?
It seems simple and trite, but I know it works. It's just a matter of adding that extra step or two to my thought patterns, an extra step I think most people are born with or learn as children. I consider my Cognitive Behaviour Therapy to be training myself to audit or interpret things and installing a new filter/interpreter. After all these years of living in the moment (or even a step AHEAD of the moment, crazily enough) it's tricky to slow down and think about things analytically before acting/eating. With eating, so much of it is habit -- I always prefer eating in front of the TV or while reading, which is definitely NOT being mindful. Eating at the table with my family has just become an agony...which I try and get over as soon as possible, again NOT the way to be mindful of how and what I am eating. I'm going to eat in my room at my desk, or outside on the patio, in an effort to retrain myself. I just CANNOT learn to eat slowly and mindfully with the loons I call my family staring at me!!
I've found a couple of great Mindful Eating websites which will help me learn better habits. Understandably, my shrinks are more focused on other areas of CBT at the moment, but there's no reason I can't apply basic mindfulness techniques to my everyday eating. I am trying not to become extreme in my views about what I can/can't/shouldn't eat... for obvious reasons. I have also decided to not worry about my actual numerical weight for a while, as long as I stay under 125kg. There is a long road ahead, and being well and stable is a more important goal than being "X" kg. I'm going to the gym 3 or 4 times a week, and doing my best to avoid junk food. The rest of it will come later.
www.tcme.org
www.mindfuleating.org
www.amihungry.com
www.eatingmindfully.com
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow
Trying to update the layout of my blog is proving to be exasperating. I was also asked today whether I should have two separate blogs, one with the original purpose of tracking my weight loss surgery, and a new one with the details of my breakdown/rebuild during and after diagnosis and treatment for BPD. I think I probably need two blogs. Whether I have the mental or emotional stamina for two... well, that remains to be seen. Bear with me while I work it out...
NOTE -- Recent posting about non-weight loss surgery stuff has now been shifted to its own place http://www.borderlinelil.blogspot.com/ Just so the weight loss folks don't get scared away!
NOTE -- Recent posting about non-weight loss surgery stuff has now been shifted to its own place http://www.borderlinelil.blogspot.com/ Just so the weight loss folks don't get scared away!
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