Awareness of the moment is when change can begin
www.tcme.org
My new weapon in the war against regaining the weight - Mindfulness. Interestingly enough, the concept of mindfulness is a huge part of the Cognitive Behaviour Therapy I'm learning in order to help deal with my psychiatric illness. In one of those rare moments of synchronicity, it turns out that my impulsive behaviour (binge eating) is connected to my illness (BPD), as well as being one of the causes of my weight problem. The good news there is that one weapon can do double duty and (hopefully) kick both these issues in the ass. Mindfulness is one of those simple concepts which could fix most of my problems... basically I just need to slow down and examine each moment, thought, feeling, urge, impulse, emotion. Rather than eat, emote or act as soon as the urge strikes me, I need to take time to decide on the truth and validity of the desires. Am I really hungry? Is this the "best" food choice for me? Dr Phil's Weight Loss Challenge states it similarly by putting thoughts through the Four Questions: Is my internal dialogue true? Does it serve my best interests? Does it advance and protect my health? Is it helping me achieve my weight management goals?
It seems simple and trite, but I know it works. It's just a matter of adding that extra step or two to my thought patterns, an extra step I think most people are born with or learn as children. I consider my Cognitive Behaviour Therapy to be training myself to audit or interpret things and installing a new filter/interpreter. After all these years of living in the moment (or even a step AHEAD of the moment, crazily enough) it's tricky to slow down and think about things analytically before acting/eating. With eating, so much of it is habit -- I always prefer eating in front of the TV or while reading, which is definitely NOT being mindful. Eating at the table with my family has just become an agony...which I try and get over as soon as possible, again NOT the way to be mindful of how and what I am eating. I'm going to eat in my room at my desk, or outside on the patio, in an effort to retrain myself. I just CANNOT learn to eat slowly and mindfully with the loons I call my family staring at me!!
I've found a couple of great Mindful Eating websites which will help me learn better habits. Understandably, my shrinks are more focused on other areas of CBT at the moment, but there's no reason I can't apply basic mindfulness techniques to my everyday eating. I am trying not to become extreme in my views about what I can/can't/shouldn't eat... for obvious reasons. I have also decided to not worry about my actual numerical weight for a while, as long as I stay under 125kg. There is a long road ahead, and being well and stable is a more important goal than being "X" kg. I'm going to the gym 3 or 4 times a week, and doing my best to avoid junk food. The rest of it will come later.
www.tcme.org
www.mindfuleating.org
www.amihungry.com
www.eatingmindfully.com
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow
Trying to update the layout of my blog is proving to be exasperating. I was also asked today whether I should have two separate blogs, one with the original purpose of tracking my weight loss surgery, and a new one with the details of my breakdown/rebuild during and after diagnosis and treatment for BPD. I think I probably need two blogs. Whether I have the mental or emotional stamina for two... well, that remains to be seen. Bear with me while I work it out...
NOTE -- Recent posting about non-weight loss surgery stuff has now been shifted to its own place http://www.borderlinelil.blogspot.com/ Just so the weight loss folks don't get scared away!
NOTE -- Recent posting about non-weight loss surgery stuff has now been shifted to its own place http://www.borderlinelil.blogspot.com/ Just so the weight loss folks don't get scared away!
Saturday, February 7, 2009
The Week That Was
Weigh in day, and thankfully I have lost most of the weight I've put on so far in 2009. (Note to self - Breakdowns wreak havoc on healthy eating plans). I'm just over 119kg, after weighing in at 122.8 halfway through January. Yikes.
My new plan is going well, have been on annual leave so the real test will be going back to work on Tuesday. To say I'm dreading it would be an understatement...the social pressure is more of a problem than the actual work, which I love and am good at. But the bitchiness, cliques and net-bullying (via Facebook etc) is hard to deal with. I feel like I am 15 again, and on the outside looking in, which is weird and depressing. It's been a test of the "new me". I've had to change my antidepressant medication, after 5 years of it working it suddenly stopped, which may or may not be due to extreme weightloss and or hormonal changes. My new medication seems to have levelled things out again, and I have a new psychiatrist who is awesome. I think that there are a lot of things I haven't dealt with since my sleeve and my new life path... such a lot of image and self-esteem issues, and the whole marriage breakdown and having to be single for the first time in 10 years. My psychiatrist thinks that "simple" (haha) depression is not the correct diagnosis for me, and I am scheduled for a 2 week Cognitive-Behaviour-Therapy course later in the year. The outlook for my particular "mentalness" (lol) is often bleak, but my psych (Ian) says I have a lot of things on my side, and I am willing to work hard to get well.
Interestingly enough, one of the side effects or "co-morbidities" with my illness is BINGE EATING!!!! Weird. I said to Ian, "Man, I miss binge eating, I really miss it like an alcoholic must miss drinking"... because even though I make poor choices sometimes with food, I physically am unable to truly binge on food. Which is a GREAT thing, don't get me wrong!! But sometimes I remember the comfort (short-lived though it was) that I got from an entire pizza and a block of chocolate and I feel sad, I do, even though I know it's stupid.
On the factual side of the journey -- I've been going to the gym three times a week, and made a pact with myself that for every hour I watch TV I have to do 15 mins of crunches, leg lifts, pushups, etc. Trying to stay under 1300 calories each day, around 20-30g of fat. I've also been walking 2-3 km a day, thankfully we've had a few cooler days here.
My new plan is going well, have been on annual leave so the real test will be going back to work on Tuesday. To say I'm dreading it would be an understatement...the social pressure is more of a problem than the actual work, which I love and am good at. But the bitchiness, cliques and net-bullying (via Facebook etc) is hard to deal with. I feel like I am 15 again, and on the outside looking in, which is weird and depressing. It's been a test of the "new me". I've had to change my antidepressant medication, after 5 years of it working it suddenly stopped, which may or may not be due to extreme weightloss and or hormonal changes. My new medication seems to have levelled things out again, and I have a new psychiatrist who is awesome. I think that there are a lot of things I haven't dealt with since my sleeve and my new life path... such a lot of image and self-esteem issues, and the whole marriage breakdown and having to be single for the first time in 10 years. My psychiatrist thinks that "simple" (haha) depression is not the correct diagnosis for me, and I am scheduled for a 2 week Cognitive-Behaviour-Therapy course later in the year. The outlook for my particular "mentalness" (lol) is often bleak, but my psych (Ian) says I have a lot of things on my side, and I am willing to work hard to get well.
Interestingly enough, one of the side effects or "co-morbidities" with my illness is BINGE EATING!!!! Weird. I said to Ian, "Man, I miss binge eating, I really miss it like an alcoholic must miss drinking"... because even though I make poor choices sometimes with food, I physically am unable to truly binge on food. Which is a GREAT thing, don't get me wrong!! But sometimes I remember the comfort (short-lived though it was) that I got from an entire pizza and a block of chocolate and I feel sad, I do, even though I know it's stupid.
On the factual side of the journey -- I've been going to the gym three times a week, and made a pact with myself that for every hour I watch TV I have to do 15 mins of crunches, leg lifts, pushups, etc. Trying to stay under 1300 calories each day, around 20-30g of fat. I've also been walking 2-3 km a day, thankfully we've had a few cooler days here.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Not For The Weak of Stomach or Faint of Heart
***PLEASE BE WARNED, IF YOU ARE EATING OR HAVE A WEAK STOMACH, YOU MIGHT WANT TO SKIP THIS POST HAHAHAHAHA***
I was reading Gillian McKeith's book "You Are What You Eat" yesterday, based on her TV show, and she recommended colonic irrigation, especially for people with poor digestion. My mum and I had been talking about getting colonics for ages, as some friends are addicted to them and say they are the only way to get properly "flushed out". So mum and I were lucky enough to get appointments this morning, and had the colonic...AMAZING experience, though not for the faint hearted hahahaha! Our practitioner uses something called the "LIBBE" procedure/machine, and it's kind of DIY, so there's not someone in the room with you all the time, lessens the embarrassment I guess. Anyhoo, you don't need more detail I'm sure, but the stuff that came out after 30 mins or so was terrifying and mesmerising - like a car crash, I didn't want to look but couldn't look away!!! Better out than in as my nanna would say! One of the benefits, as noted in Gillian's book, is that after the clean out you really do think twice about what you are putting in there!! We'll see how long it lasts. Also, I was 2kg lighter afterwards (which was good as I had put on 2kg in the last 2 weeks!).
I did the food shopping this morning and made some healthy choices, hooray, and am looking forward to snacking on plums, peaches, hommus and vegies, lowfat cheese and ham rollups (a Weight Watchers favourite snack) and the occasional orange jelly snake! For dinner we had chilli con carne, made with heart smart beef mince and carrot, onion, tomato, beans, with a tbsp of light sour cream it was about 300cal. Filling and yummy.
I was reading Gillian McKeith's book "You Are What You Eat" yesterday, based on her TV show, and she recommended colonic irrigation, especially for people with poor digestion. My mum and I had been talking about getting colonics for ages, as some friends are addicted to them and say they are the only way to get properly "flushed out". So mum and I were lucky enough to get appointments this morning, and had the colonic...AMAZING experience, though not for the faint hearted hahahaha! Our practitioner uses something called the "LIBBE" procedure/machine, and it's kind of DIY, so there's not someone in the room with you all the time, lessens the embarrassment I guess. Anyhoo, you don't need more detail I'm sure, but the stuff that came out after 30 mins or so was terrifying and mesmerising - like a car crash, I didn't want to look but couldn't look away!!! Better out than in as my nanna would say! One of the benefits, as noted in Gillian's book, is that after the clean out you really do think twice about what you are putting in there!! We'll see how long it lasts. Also, I was 2kg lighter afterwards (which was good as I had put on 2kg in the last 2 weeks!).
I did the food shopping this morning and made some healthy choices, hooray, and am looking forward to snacking on plums, peaches, hommus and vegies, lowfat cheese and ham rollups (a Weight Watchers favourite snack) and the occasional orange jelly snake! For dinner we had chilli con carne, made with heart smart beef mince and carrot, onion, tomato, beans, with a tbsp of light sour cream it was about 300cal. Filling and yummy.
Friday, January 23, 2009
The Honeymoon Is Over
So here's what I just realised. It's easy, FAR too easy, to sit back and feel happy and proud about losing 52 kilos. I am proud of myself, damn it, and I don't want to take anything away from the success I've already had. However... I really need a kick in the pants, my friends. It's time to either settle for still being 40kg overweight, or to step up and finish this thing once and for all!! It's time to kick some butt, and even though I am in the midst of a breakdown, re-structuring my depression and anxiety medication (while still dealing with a pending divorce, etc, etc), I know that there's only one person who can get me over the line. And that's ME.
Truthfully, I haven't lost any "real" weight for a long time. Oh, I've had reasons, and some damn fine excuses thank you very much. But in the end, that's all they are - excuses. The same old crap I've been telling myself and everybody else for years. Too busy. Too tired. Too sick. Too FREAKIN bad!!!! I need to snap the heck out of it and get back on track, and that starts today, here and now.
Firstly, I need to start exercising properly. The walking I do every day, to and from bus stop etc, is not cutting it. I visited a new ladies only gym that's opening up nearby and will start there on their first trading day - Tuesday. It's gorgeous, all brand new equipment and I will be supporting a local business owner. They have a recumbent exercise bike - woo hoo!! Always wanted to try that, those other exercise bikes give me a pain in the you-know-what hahaha.
Secondly, CUT THE CRAP. Mental crap, yes, but mainly food-type crap. Twisties, chocolate, coffee, diet coke, muffins, chips - these are all things that have recently entered my body on a daily basis. Uh uh!! NO MORE. Tomorrow I am shopping for all my old favourites, fat-free jelly snakes, low-fat yoghurt and mousse desserts, rice crackers and lots of fruit.
I know that I've already passed the prime weight loss time, which docs say is between 6 - 12 months after the surgery. I'm well into my 15th month sleeved. But just because it's not going to come off as easily, does not mean it won't come off. It will. I'm going to build muscle with weight training, which I've always loved, and that muscle will help me burn fat. I'm going to cut out snacking between meals and choose high quality foods for my meals.
I'm sorry, but I am NOT HAPPY WITH LOSING 52 KILOS!!! I need more, dammit, more, more, more hahahahaha!! My goal weight when I started this journey was 80kg, my surgeon said 100kg was a fair goal. So my first goal is to be under 100kg by my 39th birthday in June. Once there, I will re-examine my goals, and will reward myself with a visit to a plastic surgeon to start looking at tummy tuck and boob job options for 2010.
Deep breath, kick in the pants, and here we go....
Truthfully, I haven't lost any "real" weight for a long time. Oh, I've had reasons, and some damn fine excuses thank you very much. But in the end, that's all they are - excuses. The same old crap I've been telling myself and everybody else for years. Too busy. Too tired. Too sick. Too FREAKIN bad!!!! I need to snap the heck out of it and get back on track, and that starts today, here and now.
Firstly, I need to start exercising properly. The walking I do every day, to and from bus stop etc, is not cutting it. I visited a new ladies only gym that's opening up nearby and will start there on their first trading day - Tuesday. It's gorgeous, all brand new equipment and I will be supporting a local business owner. They have a recumbent exercise bike - woo hoo!! Always wanted to try that, those other exercise bikes give me a pain in the you-know-what hahaha.
Secondly, CUT THE CRAP. Mental crap, yes, but mainly food-type crap. Twisties, chocolate, coffee, diet coke, muffins, chips - these are all things that have recently entered my body on a daily basis. Uh uh!! NO MORE. Tomorrow I am shopping for all my old favourites, fat-free jelly snakes, low-fat yoghurt and mousse desserts, rice crackers and lots of fruit.
I know that I've already passed the prime weight loss time, which docs say is between 6 - 12 months after the surgery. I'm well into my 15th month sleeved. But just because it's not going to come off as easily, does not mean it won't come off. It will. I'm going to build muscle with weight training, which I've always loved, and that muscle will help me burn fat. I'm going to cut out snacking between meals and choose high quality foods for my meals.
I'm sorry, but I am NOT HAPPY WITH LOSING 52 KILOS!!! I need more, dammit, more, more, more hahahahaha!! My goal weight when I started this journey was 80kg, my surgeon said 100kg was a fair goal. So my first goal is to be under 100kg by my 39th birthday in June. Once there, I will re-examine my goals, and will reward myself with a visit to a plastic surgeon to start looking at tummy tuck and boob job options for 2010.
Deep breath, kick in the pants, and here we go....
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
What It's Like To Be An "Old Timer"
I've had a few questions lately about how much has changed for me since I was first "sleeved". A year has made a huge difference, in more ways that just the scale and the size of my clothes. I automatically choose small plates and portions now, and never drink when I eat - and that was one of the hardest things to get the hang of! People still comment on how little I eat (especially at restaurants when I just have an entree) and nine times out of ten I tell them I had weight loss surgery. I'm really not ashamed of it, and am proud of my success -- and I think sometimes I can educate people on the fact that the surgery is not a quick fix and it takes effort to make it work to its fullest potential.
Here's a sample of what I eat and drink in an average day...
BREAKFAST - Porridge (one of the instant sachet types), then about half an hour later I drink some water and take my vitamins (Multi vit, Multi mineral, antioxidant, CoQ10, Omega oils). I suffered from hairloss for about three months, not drastic but I could notice it, and the BEST thing for it is Omega 3 and 4s. My hair is back to normal now - yay! I don't crush the vitamins, am able to take them normally now with no probs.
SNACK - Coffee (skim milk and splenda), sometimes a mini muffin or fruit
LUNCH - meat and salad sandwich or nachos or half a chicken kebab or small lasagne or leftovers
SNACK - Vitamin water (my new addiction haha!), a mini packet of crisps
DINNER - palm size salmon or steak or chicken with vegies or salad. I don't have potato or rice at dinner, will have pasta once a week and the occasional piece of garlic bread
SNACK - Frosty Fruit icypole or piece of fruit
I know that there are areas needing improvement, and I'm working on it, but I find that the weight loss is still happening without me getting too anal about what I eat. Which is the reason I had this surgery, right??! Yeah! Considering what I USED to put away in a day, well I reckon I am a champion hahahaha! I have takeaway for dinner once a week, hardly ever eat hot chips cause they take up room for not much benefit, I tend to crave protein now and make the effort to eat as much as I can so I don't need protein supplements anymore...love KFC fillets, Red Rooster, grilled fish, breadless chicken kebab. Mmmmmm...now I'm hungry! That's another thing, I don't feel that "starving hungry" pang anymore, even though I have emotional hunger and vague "need to eat smething" hunger. But I don't feel truly hungry anymore.
Apart from the emotional and mental side effects and issues I've had from the weight loss, I have to be honest about the loose skin. IT SUCKS. I get frustrated sometimes, especially with my boobs which used to be excellent haha. I had to buy a padded pushup type bra the other day to squash in all the skin. I will definitely need surgery, the apron flap on my tummy is already causing rashes and discomfort and after losing another 30kg it's gonna be NASTY. If I twist my arm from side to side the flap makes a loud SLAP noise, and I don't like to wear sleeveless tops now. When I was fatter I never cared - weird. I care a lot more now about what I look like, which is probably partly because I am single haha. But I found that being 170kg+ I was invisible, and so large that people tended to skim over me when they looked, whereas now I am in the more "socially acceptable" fat range they feel they can judge!!!
I still recommend the surgery to anyone I feel could benefit, and I recommend the lapband to younger friends who plan to get pregnant someday, or people with less than 30kg to lose. Personally, I am thrilled I chose the sleeve, but it's not for everyone.
Here's a sample of what I eat and drink in an average day...
BREAKFAST - Porridge (one of the instant sachet types), then about half an hour later I drink some water and take my vitamins (Multi vit, Multi mineral, antioxidant, CoQ10, Omega oils). I suffered from hairloss for about three months, not drastic but I could notice it, and the BEST thing for it is Omega 3 and 4s. My hair is back to normal now - yay! I don't crush the vitamins, am able to take them normally now with no probs.
SNACK - Coffee (skim milk and splenda), sometimes a mini muffin or fruit
LUNCH - meat and salad sandwich or nachos or half a chicken kebab or small lasagne or leftovers
SNACK - Vitamin water (my new addiction haha!), a mini packet of crisps
DINNER - palm size salmon or steak or chicken with vegies or salad. I don't have potato or rice at dinner, will have pasta once a week and the occasional piece of garlic bread
SNACK - Frosty Fruit icypole or piece of fruit
I know that there are areas needing improvement, and I'm working on it, but I find that the weight loss is still happening without me getting too anal about what I eat. Which is the reason I had this surgery, right??! Yeah! Considering what I USED to put away in a day, well I reckon I am a champion hahahaha! I have takeaway for dinner once a week, hardly ever eat hot chips cause they take up room for not much benefit, I tend to crave protein now and make the effort to eat as much as I can so I don't need protein supplements anymore...love KFC fillets, Red Rooster, grilled fish, breadless chicken kebab. Mmmmmm...now I'm hungry! That's another thing, I don't feel that "starving hungry" pang anymore, even though I have emotional hunger and vague "need to eat smething" hunger. But I don't feel truly hungry anymore.
Apart from the emotional and mental side effects and issues I've had from the weight loss, I have to be honest about the loose skin. IT SUCKS. I get frustrated sometimes, especially with my boobs which used to be excellent haha. I had to buy a padded pushup type bra the other day to squash in all the skin. I will definitely need surgery, the apron flap on my tummy is already causing rashes and discomfort and after losing another 30kg it's gonna be NASTY. If I twist my arm from side to side the flap makes a loud SLAP noise, and I don't like to wear sleeveless tops now. When I was fatter I never cared - weird. I care a lot more now about what I look like, which is probably partly because I am single haha. But I found that being 170kg+ I was invisible, and so large that people tended to skim over me when they looked, whereas now I am in the more "socially acceptable" fat range they feel they can judge!!!
I still recommend the surgery to anyone I feel could benefit, and I recommend the lapband to younger friends who plan to get pregnant someday, or people with less than 30kg to lose. Personally, I am thrilled I chose the sleeve, but it's not for everyone.
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