Thank you everyone who has emailed, commented, etc about my breakup. You guys rock, and I have to comment that as much as you say I have encouraged and inspired you, the same goes back at ya! I think that one of the best things about deciding on weight loss surgery has been discovering the amazing people out there who are sharing the journey with me... it's a small but select group ha ha! I like knowing that even if I feel alone sometimes in the midst of my physical life, out in the wider world there are people who get where I am coming from.
There are no updates in the marriage dissolution stakes... I think it's called a "stalemate" (which is kind of a semi-accurate yet rather cutting word to describe a divorce now I come to think of it!). I have some appointments with lawyers, banks, etc over the coming weeks, but I am hoping the separation will be fairly amicable as we have neither property nor offpsring to fight over. I think one of the things I have noticed lately is the lack of arguing in my relationship, which I used to believe was a positive thing but now I wonder if it was a sign of general malaise and apathy. I know this guy at work, let's call him Lewis, who is one of the rare people in life who actually tell the truth, no sugar-coating or mollycoddling, and while this truth hurt me somewhat this week (when it was directed at me), in the long run I am a better person for it. Most of my life people have made allowances for me, and lied to me in the misguided notion that it would protect me -- but it doesn't! I ended up suffering from it, and I think my addiction to food was made worse by the people who supposedly loved me, ignoring it. My emotional immaturity was excused/encouraged, instead of challenged. My ex-partner, the American, was one of the truth-tellers, like Lewis, and I guess after him I chose my husband because he wasn't quite so determined to be 100% honest, 100% of the time. I think that I need people in my life who tell me to get a life when necessary rather than using "unconditional love" as a bandaid. What IS "unconditional love" anyway?? I don't believe any kind of love comes without it's expectations and conditions, and that's as it should be. "Love means never having to say you're sorry"?? What the heck does THAT mean?
I have been thinking a lot lately about choices, and how I told myself over the last ten years that I didn't have them to make. That my depression, weight, illness (lupus, fibromyalgia, etc) forced me to behave a certain way or live a limited life. What a crock of BS!!! I was simply too afraid to make changes. I ate junk and watched TV to dull any pain I felt, and used excuses to avoid any kind of difficult decisions. Living a fully realised life (jeez I sound like Dr Phil ha ha) is scaring the pants of me, but it's the first time in years that I've felt like a functioning human being.
Showing posts with label bumps in the road. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bumps in the road. Show all posts
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Some Days Are Diamonds...
Weigh in this week was a rip-roaring success, with the scales showing me down to 126.5kg (about 3kg lost in two weeks). All together, I've removed 43.5kg from this body, and with every kilo lost I can feel myself coming back to life. I think at the end of this journey more will have changed for me than just my body...a lot is going on in my personal life these days, and I have been struggling with a loss of appetite and general low mood. It's all a bit raw still, so not up for discussion today.
Anyway, I have my eating back to normal and am keeping up my exercise which is the main aim. I am still loving Pilates, and walking every day.
I guess one thing I wanted to record today was my realisation that the food I have eaten over the last 15 years, and the fat I have gained during that time, was hiding more than just my physical self. As I strip away the pounds I am finding ideas, thoughts and feelings that I have suppressed for SUCH a long time...it's the strangest experience. I know it will end up the way destiny intends, and I know that it's "all good" as they say. Even if the journey is not all roses all the time.
Anyway, I have my eating back to normal and am keeping up my exercise which is the main aim. I am still loving Pilates, and walking every day.
I guess one thing I wanted to record today was my realisation that the food I have eaten over the last 15 years, and the fat I have gained during that time, was hiding more than just my physical self. As I strip away the pounds I am finding ideas, thoughts and feelings that I have suppressed for SUCH a long time...it's the strangest experience. I know it will end up the way destiny intends, and I know that it's "all good" as they say. Even if the journey is not all roses all the time.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Update or Downdate? You Be The Judge!
Like everything, I guess the journey of a sleever has its good and bad times. This week has been a but rockier than others, probably due in part to hormones (don't you just love them - NOT) and in part to working so much overtime at work. Basically, I am tired and cranky and prone to tears! What a mess!
Sometimes I think I get overwhelmed by how lonely it can be... I felt this week like I was the only person who knew what I was going through, which OF COURSE is true, it's the human experience man! Ha ha. We're all alone in our own universe, etc, etc. As much as people want to, and try to, empathise, ultimately no-one knows what it's like for me to have a completely new relationship with food, health and exercise (except other sleevers and bandits, but I guess I'm talking more about people in my day-to-day life).
It is so hard to explain. I've tried before! And no doubt I will keep trying. I guess it feels like I am a completely different person now than I was six months ago. So where does that leave my existing relationships?? How do I relate to people who are THE SAME as they were, and can't grasp how EVERYTHING is different for me, everything is new, everything is exciting, and I just want to erase the first 37 years of my life and start again. It kills me, I get really sad and overwrought because honestly, in total truth mode, I don't know what the fall out will be. In previous times of weight loss I've reached this point and chickened out, regaining the weight and returning to the old Lil, depressed and needy, because THAT is the person everyone knows. But guess what, this time I CAN'T go back, even if I wanted to, which I DON'T. I can't go to Gorgeous Jon and say "Hey, I've changed my mind, can you sew my stomach back in?"
And maybe THAT'S why in the end I chose the sleeve over the band, because in my heart of hearts I knew this time would come and I would have to keep going - no turning back. No matter how scary and lonely it gets, this is it for me. This is who I am.
The most bizarre part for me has been since starting my new job 3 months ago -- I haven't told anyone about the surgery, and no-one knows anything about that old killjoy Lil, so I find myself being more and more the person I used to be, the real me I guess, before the fat and the depression sucked the life out of me. I love this new/old Lil! I feel like there are immense possibilities in life, but crikey it is hard not to feel weighed down sometimes by those who love us and who try so hard to understand (but ultimately don't).
Sorry this is a downer!! I know that this is part of it, part of the crazy world of a sleever. And I welcome it all, good and bad, because it's saving my life every day.
Sometimes I think I get overwhelmed by how lonely it can be... I felt this week like I was the only person who knew what I was going through, which OF COURSE is true, it's the human experience man! Ha ha. We're all alone in our own universe, etc, etc. As much as people want to, and try to, empathise, ultimately no-one knows what it's like for me to have a completely new relationship with food, health and exercise (except other sleevers and bandits, but I guess I'm talking more about people in my day-to-day life).
It is so hard to explain. I've tried before! And no doubt I will keep trying. I guess it feels like I am a completely different person now than I was six months ago. So where does that leave my existing relationships?? How do I relate to people who are THE SAME as they were, and can't grasp how EVERYTHING is different for me, everything is new, everything is exciting, and I just want to erase the first 37 years of my life and start again. It kills me, I get really sad and overwrought because honestly, in total truth mode, I don't know what the fall out will be. In previous times of weight loss I've reached this point and chickened out, regaining the weight and returning to the old Lil, depressed and needy, because THAT is the person everyone knows. But guess what, this time I CAN'T go back, even if I wanted to, which I DON'T. I can't go to Gorgeous Jon and say "Hey, I've changed my mind, can you sew my stomach back in?"
And maybe THAT'S why in the end I chose the sleeve over the band, because in my heart of hearts I knew this time would come and I would have to keep going - no turning back. No matter how scary and lonely it gets, this is it for me. This is who I am.
The most bizarre part for me has been since starting my new job 3 months ago -- I haven't told anyone about the surgery, and no-one knows anything about that old killjoy Lil, so I find myself being more and more the person I used to be, the real me I guess, before the fat and the depression sucked the life out of me. I love this new/old Lil! I feel like there are immense possibilities in life, but crikey it is hard not to feel weighed down sometimes by those who love us and who try so hard to understand (but ultimately don't).
Sorry this is a downer!! I know that this is part of it, part of the crazy world of a sleever. And I welcome it all, good and bad, because it's saving my life every day.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh
This week has been a complete blur. Have been working overtime every day, leaving home at 5:45am and getting home at 6:15pm -- no time for anything remotely resembling exercise, fun, or keeping in touch! This week should be back to normal, with no staff shortages (fingers crossed) and damn I am looking forward to the three day weekend. Hooray for the Anzacs I say, not only contributing to the general freedom from tyranny we enjoy but also scoring me a desperately-needed day off.
My weigh in this week was fairly dismal, not as dismal as it should have been considering the medicinal Freddo Frogs (chocolate, not amphibian, for those of you in America!) I consumed in a (futile) attempt to keep my energy levels up every afternoon. I'm now 131.3kg (289 pounds) - SO CLOSE to the 40kgs (88 pounds) lost target, when I can reward myself with a new pair of running shoes (to replace the pair I am still wearing even after the heel broke apart a couple of weeks ago). I found this week that I lost the plot slightly with regards to my food plan, I had hot chips (fries) one afternoon and another day a packet of crisps (chips). My latest mantra is CHOOSE YOUR RABBITS WISELY. I read a Chinese proverb recently that said "If you try to chase more than one rabbit, both rabbits will escape", and I thought how well that relates to my weight loss journey. I am trying to get my finances back on track, and learn my new job, as well as exercise, eat properly and keep mental focus. That's a lot of damn wascally wabbits!!! Occasionally, one of them (ie: the one that is carrying the healthy food!) gets away, but I need to concentrate on the particular rabbit/task in front of me. So I guess what I am rambling on about here is that I don't need to be 100% in control of everything all the time. Phew. What a relief. That's the BEST thing about this surgery, even if I do lose the plot and eat crap, I can only eat a small amount of it (thereby limiting the damage).
I am really starting to wonder if this whole journey, my whole life maybe, is about the realisation that I can't be in control all the time. I have to learn to be happy with being kind of good at things, better at others, and sometimes I will fail at almost everything!!! That's okay, isn't it?? Doctor Phil would say DO WHAT YOU CAN, WITH WHAT YOU HAVE, WHERE YOU ARE. I think if I can truly believe that, and live it, then I will be successful in losing this weight and keeping it off forever.
My weigh in this week was fairly dismal, not as dismal as it should have been considering the medicinal Freddo Frogs (chocolate, not amphibian, for those of you in America!) I consumed in a (futile) attempt to keep my energy levels up every afternoon. I'm now 131.3kg (289 pounds) - SO CLOSE to the 40kgs (88 pounds) lost target, when I can reward myself with a new pair of running shoes (to replace the pair I am still wearing even after the heel broke apart a couple of weeks ago). I found this week that I lost the plot slightly with regards to my food plan, I had hot chips (fries) one afternoon and another day a packet of crisps (chips). My latest mantra is CHOOSE YOUR RABBITS WISELY. I read a Chinese proverb recently that said "If you try to chase more than one rabbit, both rabbits will escape", and I thought how well that relates to my weight loss journey. I am trying to get my finances back on track, and learn my new job, as well as exercise, eat properly and keep mental focus. That's a lot of damn wascally wabbits!!! Occasionally, one of them (ie: the one that is carrying the healthy food!) gets away, but I need to concentrate on the particular rabbit/task in front of me. So I guess what I am rambling on about here is that I don't need to be 100% in control of everything all the time. Phew. What a relief. That's the BEST thing about this surgery, even if I do lose the plot and eat crap, I can only eat a small amount of it (thereby limiting the damage).
I am really starting to wonder if this whole journey, my whole life maybe, is about the realisation that I can't be in control all the time. I have to learn to be happy with being kind of good at things, better at others, and sometimes I will fail at almost everything!!! That's okay, isn't it?? Doctor Phil would say DO WHAT YOU CAN, WITH WHAT YOU HAVE, WHERE YOU ARE. I think if I can truly believe that, and live it, then I will be successful in losing this weight and keeping it off forever.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Black Forest Cake - The New Evil
This week was my other half's birthday - April Fool's Day, can you believe it?! My mum bought a Black Forest Cake from the Cheesecake Shop, and I ate two pieces (over two days, but still!!). When adding it to my food diary I was amazed to see that not only did it have over 600 cal per piece (which The Biggest Loser had already informed me this week) it also has 40 GRAMS OF FAT! I can hardly get my head around that. I think the moral of the story is that certain things (ie: Black Forest Cake) can have no place in a health conscious life!! At least it's only once a year... I intend to have some incredibly healthy low-fat cake for my birthday in June!
No wonder my weight loss over the last two months has been pitiful. (Since Jan only 6 kg) This week I have been trying to limit my bad snack choices, which had gotten out of control since I started my new job at the beginning of Feb. I find that my three meals a day are fairly good, but I was having mini chocolate bars, or a small packet of crisps, or a full cream milk latte with two sugars. I've decided I will record here some of the things I have changed, but that I still plan on improving over the rest of the year.
In the PAST I would have had: half a family block of chocolate
In the NOW I have: one snack size Twirl or Time Out
In the FUTURE I plan on: not enjoying chocolate at all, eradicating it from my life!
In the PAST I would have had: a 24 can carton of Coke Zero per week
In the NOW I have: about 10 cans of Coke Zero a week
In the FUTURE I plan on: not having any soft drink in my diet
In the PAST I would have had: no water at all
In the NOW I have: 1 to 2 litres of water a day
In the FUTURE I plan on: drinking 3-4 litres a day
In the PAST I would have: not exercised at all
In the NOW I: do cardio or weights three times a week and walk 2-4km 5 days a week
In the FUTURE I plan on: cardio or weights 5 days a week, walking or running every day
In the PAST I would have: stayed at 170kg ++
In the NOW I have: lost an impressive 38kg
In the FUTURE I plan on: being under 100kg by my one year surgiversary in Oct
There are probably a lot more things I can add to this list. I am, after all, a work in progress! I read a quote the other day that said "It is better to move slowly than to stay in the one place", and that's how I am TRYING to look at it. I am struggling to get through the 130kg zone, it's really been up half a kilo, down half a kilo... but I am refocusing and making better choices (apart from the whole Black Forest Cake debacle ha ha!).
One of the things I have always struggled with is the need to be perfect and the crazy obsessive tendency I have to be "all or nothing". For instance, I would starve myself for two weeks and then eat something "bad" and go on a massive binge. Or I would be up and walking or cycling every day for a month and then injure myself and promptly regain all the weight I had lost. The decision to have weight loss surgery was partly to rid myself of that all or nothing ness. Even though it IS an extreme choice, it takes away my need to be perfectly healthy and virtuous all the time, even when I am slack for a day I can still lose weight. I truly feel like I am gradually becoming less hard on myself, and more relaxed, and I take each day as it comes.
No wonder my weight loss over the last two months has been pitiful. (Since Jan only 6 kg) This week I have been trying to limit my bad snack choices, which had gotten out of control since I started my new job at the beginning of Feb. I find that my three meals a day are fairly good, but I was having mini chocolate bars, or a small packet of crisps, or a full cream milk latte with two sugars. I've decided I will record here some of the things I have changed, but that I still plan on improving over the rest of the year.
In the PAST I would have had: half a family block of chocolate
In the NOW I have: one snack size Twirl or Time Out
In the FUTURE I plan on: not enjoying chocolate at all, eradicating it from my life!
In the PAST I would have had: a 24 can carton of Coke Zero per week
In the NOW I have: about 10 cans of Coke Zero a week
In the FUTURE I plan on: not having any soft drink in my diet
In the PAST I would have had: no water at all
In the NOW I have: 1 to 2 litres of water a day
In the FUTURE I plan on: drinking 3-4 litres a day
In the PAST I would have: not exercised at all
In the NOW I: do cardio or weights three times a week and walk 2-4km 5 days a week
In the FUTURE I plan on: cardio or weights 5 days a week, walking or running every day
In the PAST I would have: stayed at 170kg ++
In the NOW I have: lost an impressive 38kg
In the FUTURE I plan on: being under 100kg by my one year surgiversary in Oct
There are probably a lot more things I can add to this list. I am, after all, a work in progress! I read a quote the other day that said "It is better to move slowly than to stay in the one place", and that's how I am TRYING to look at it. I am struggling to get through the 130kg zone, it's really been up half a kilo, down half a kilo... but I am refocusing and making better choices (apart from the whole Black Forest Cake debacle ha ha!).
One of the things I have always struggled with is the need to be perfect and the crazy obsessive tendency I have to be "all or nothing". For instance, I would starve myself for two weeks and then eat something "bad" and go on a massive binge. Or I would be up and walking or cycling every day for a month and then injure myself and promptly regain all the weight I had lost. The decision to have weight loss surgery was partly to rid myself of that all or nothing ness. Even though it IS an extreme choice, it takes away my need to be perfectly healthy and virtuous all the time, even when I am slack for a day I can still lose weight. I truly feel like I am gradually becoming less hard on myself, and more relaxed, and I take each day as it comes.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Note To Self
Next time I have weight loss surgery, I will definitely have to get it done alongside my husband and my family. Aaaargh. They just don't seem to grasp what it's like, and I'm happy for them, honestly, because it is a tough road at times. But having understanding is sooo important, and sometimes I feel sad that the true empathy and sharing I have on this journey comes from people I barely know or have never met.
I can't just sit in front of the TV and eat every night anymore. I don't want to! I need to keep busy and get stuff done, and WHY don't they get it??
Dr Phil would say you either get it or you don't. Is it ME that doesn't get it???????????????
I can't just sit in front of the TV and eat every night anymore. I don't want to! I need to keep busy and get stuff done, and WHY don't they get it??
Dr Phil would say you either get it or you don't. Is it ME that doesn't get it???????????????
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Things "They" Don't Want Us To Tell You (:
Sometimes I struggle with how honest I should be in this blog. For a start, the people reading it are often trying to make an informed decision about bariatric surgery, and I would hate to feel I had any negative influence on their opinion of the vertical sleeve gastrectomy. But I have this crazy obsession with the truth, and so I hereby tell the story of the past week...
It ain't all beer and skittles. As an aside, isn't that a bizarre saying?? I guess it means that it's not all fun & games, or it IS all fun & games until someone loses an eye (or a stomach ha ha!!). Anyway. As usual, I digress. I've been struggling this past week or so, for a number of reasons, compounded by the fact that when I weighed in on the weekend I had gained half a kilo. We are moving house on Friday, and have been in a complete upheaval trying to pack and get organised. I also have decided that being good at my new job is not enough, I have to be the best person EVER to do the job, and have started to create these crazy high standards and goals for myself which are doomed to failure. There is a vague quota of work we need to process each day, which is not enforced AT ALL, but I decided I would be the first person ever to beat a particular number -- even though I've only been doing the fricken job for five weeks.
One therapist I had years ago said he had never seen anyone with such impossibly high standards for herself as I had. Apparently it is VERY common for those kind of people (ie: me) to develop fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue, which I suffered from for a few years. I managed to get well, and have been symptom-free for almost 12 months, until this week!!!! Aaaaargh. I instantly knew what was happening, I felt exhausted and achy and my brain went foggy... the difference is, this time I know how to handle it, and I know how to fix it. For any fibro or CF sufferers out there, visit www.reversetherapy.com -- the best thing I ever found.
I guess what was interesting and frustrating was that I was so distracted by the VSG and my weight loss journey that I neglected other areas of my general health. Nuts! I can't believe I have been obsessing about my HAIR. For the rest of the week I am working on realigning myself with what's important. I am such a weirdo perfectionist high achiever. I stressed out last week because my March photos weren't "thin" looking enough to put on my blogs!! Never mind that I have lost almost 40kg (75 pounds), I was freaking out that I looked the same as the Sept 07 photo. Um, NO! Every time I stressed out about something stupid I ate crap - a Mars Bar here, potato chips there. No wonder I gained weight!
So I guess I want to emphasise that while none of this craziness has anything to do with the removal of 75% of my stomach in Oct 07, it certainly needs to be recorded. The rest of my life is not miraculously shiny and happy, even though it's a damn sight better than this time last year. I need to keep an eye on the ball otherwise it'll smack me in the face and THEN I'll have some complaining to do lol.
It ain't all beer and skittles. As an aside, isn't that a bizarre saying?? I guess it means that it's not all fun & games, or it IS all fun & games until someone loses an eye (or a stomach ha ha!!). Anyway. As usual, I digress. I've been struggling this past week or so, for a number of reasons, compounded by the fact that when I weighed in on the weekend I had gained half a kilo. We are moving house on Friday, and have been in a complete upheaval trying to pack and get organised. I also have decided that being good at my new job is not enough, I have to be the best person EVER to do the job, and have started to create these crazy high standards and goals for myself which are doomed to failure. There is a vague quota of work we need to process each day, which is not enforced AT ALL, but I decided I would be the first person ever to beat a particular number -- even though I've only been doing the fricken job for five weeks.
One therapist I had years ago said he had never seen anyone with such impossibly high standards for herself as I had. Apparently it is VERY common for those kind of people (ie: me) to develop fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue, which I suffered from for a few years. I managed to get well, and have been symptom-free for almost 12 months, until this week!!!! Aaaaargh. I instantly knew what was happening, I felt exhausted and achy and my brain went foggy... the difference is, this time I know how to handle it, and I know how to fix it. For any fibro or CF sufferers out there, visit www.reversetherapy.com -- the best thing I ever found.
I guess what was interesting and frustrating was that I was so distracted by the VSG and my weight loss journey that I neglected other areas of my general health. Nuts! I can't believe I have been obsessing about my HAIR. For the rest of the week I am working on realigning myself with what's important. I am such a weirdo perfectionist high achiever. I stressed out last week because my March photos weren't "thin" looking enough to put on my blogs!! Never mind that I have lost almost 40kg (75 pounds), I was freaking out that I looked the same as the Sept 07 photo. Um, NO! Every time I stressed out about something stupid I ate crap - a Mars Bar here, potato chips there. No wonder I gained weight!
So I guess I want to emphasise that while none of this craziness has anything to do with the removal of 75% of my stomach in Oct 07, it certainly needs to be recorded. The rest of my life is not miraculously shiny and happy, even though it's a damn sight better than this time last year. I need to keep an eye on the ball otherwise it'll smack me in the face and THEN I'll have some complaining to do lol.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Four Months After Surgery...
I can hardly believe that four months have passed since I went into surgery and came out a completely changed woman. I have to say that the operation has only done part of the job, the rest of the transformation (the mental one) has evolved slowly and with some hard work. I am still doing my visualisation and meditation CDs, at least 3-4 times a week, and I swear by them. I think they have been better for me than any gym membership or protein shake could ever be!
Not only have I continued to lose weight, even though I am fairly slack when it comes to exercise and enjoy a chocolate muffin every day (gluten free but not exactly non-fat!), but for the first time in FOREVER I feel excited about the future. Regular visitors to this blog will remember how I felt approaching the "30 Kilo Curse". http://lastchancelil.blogspot.com/2008/01/do-you-wanna-know-secret.html Since then, I have tried hard to work on some of the mental and emotional barriers to my weight loss, because I know that ultimately this journey will not reach a successful end unless I want it with my whole heart and believe in it (and myself) fully. I had a real epiphany recently (fancy word for a light bulb moment ha ha). With reference to that 30 Kilo Curse, I was convinced that I was a "lesser" person since that heartbreak changed my life... and I was sure that I needed to "get back" to that lighter self... but now I understand that so much of who I THOUGHT I was then was tied up in that idiot guy, and really I was clueless about who I actually was as a person. I would HATE to be that person again, though I love her dearly and understand her so much more... I can see so clearly now that the person I am NOW is the real Lil, even if I seem moody and slightly freaked out by life, and even if I don't have such drama and excitement in my day-to-day existence.
Wow. It was such an incredible relief to finally be free of that burden, to know once and for all that I will NEVER be that person again (even though I always thought it was who I WANTED to be again). I'm probably not making any sense!!!!!! What else is new???
One of my favourite quotes is from Nelson Mandela, and it goes something like "the best way to see how far you have come is to revisit the places you have been". I'm probably remembering it wrong, but anyway. You get the point. And that's what I have needed to do, to move on and get closure and all those other soap opera cliches! I really don't know who I will be at the end of this journey, but it will be a person who is stronger and fitter and wiser than I ever have been before. Yay for the VSG, and for the freedom it's given me. All that time I used to use thinking about food I can now use to think about myself and self-analyse -- scary ha ha!!
Not only have I continued to lose weight, even though I am fairly slack when it comes to exercise and enjoy a chocolate muffin every day (gluten free but not exactly non-fat!), but for the first time in FOREVER I feel excited about the future. Regular visitors to this blog will remember how I felt approaching the "30 Kilo Curse". http://lastchancelil.blogspot.com/2008/01/do-you-wanna-know-secret.html Since then, I have tried hard to work on some of the mental and emotional barriers to my weight loss, because I know that ultimately this journey will not reach a successful end unless I want it with my whole heart and believe in it (and myself) fully. I had a real epiphany recently (fancy word for a light bulb moment ha ha). With reference to that 30 Kilo Curse, I was convinced that I was a "lesser" person since that heartbreak changed my life... and I was sure that I needed to "get back" to that lighter self... but now I understand that so much of who I THOUGHT I was then was tied up in that idiot guy, and really I was clueless about who I actually was as a person. I would HATE to be that person again, though I love her dearly and understand her so much more... I can see so clearly now that the person I am NOW is the real Lil, even if I seem moody and slightly freaked out by life, and even if I don't have such drama and excitement in my day-to-day existence.
Wow. It was such an incredible relief to finally be free of that burden, to know once and for all that I will NEVER be that person again (even though I always thought it was who I WANTED to be again). I'm probably not making any sense!!!!!! What else is new???
One of my favourite quotes is from Nelson Mandela, and it goes something like "the best way to see how far you have come is to revisit the places you have been". I'm probably remembering it wrong, but anyway. You get the point. And that's what I have needed to do, to move on and get closure and all those other soap opera cliches! I really don't know who I will be at the end of this journey, but it will be a person who is stronger and fitter and wiser than I ever have been before. Yay for the VSG, and for the freedom it's given me. All that time I used to use thinking about food I can now use to think about myself and self-analyse -- scary ha ha!!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Eating Out 101
I am still getting the hang of "eating out". I think since my surgery I've only eaten out four, maybe five times - not including casual lunch type "on the run" eating out, I mean actual restaurant meals where they give you metal cutlery he he.
Last night my family went out to dinner to say farewell to my sister-in-law and her baby daughter who have been visiting over the holidays. I downloaded the menu from the internet so I could plan what to have, and contemplated ordering just an appetiser. SUCH a hard decision, cause in reality the appetisers are not proper nutrition, and tend to be based around bread - which is my enemy these days. Once at the restaurant, my family decided to order a few appetisers to share, which was fine - I had a piece of bruschetta the size of a 20c piece and a scallop. Foolishly, I decided I would order as my main meal something called the "Baby Rump Steak".
I took this photo AFTER I had eaten all that I could (you can see the tiny space at the bottom left hand of the plate). Oh my goodness. It was the most ridiculously huge thing I had ever seen. Delicious though! I even managed to eat three chips/fries and a bit of salad. I think the hardest thing was watching the waitress skirt around the table trying to decide to clear 6 empty plates while one (mine!) was seemingly untouched!! I put her out of her misery after a while and asked for the steak in a doggy bag. Scruff (my pupsicle) ate well last night lol. Not sure how she felt about pepper sauce!
I can understand why some WLS patients avoid eating out. It's kind of weird watching other people eat en masse. I take so long to chew each bite that invariably some of my time is spent looking at other people eating. People eat A LOT. I know, I was one of 'em once! There is also the dilemma of the money wasting angle -- good steak is expensive wherever you are in the world, and knowing that you'll only eat a tiny portion of it makes you think twice. Even though it's good nutrition (for me) and goes down well, I do feel wasteful giving 80% of prime beef to the dog.
I guess it's part of the learning curve. I think in a larger group it's more difficult / uncomfortable. When it's just DH and me, I just eat off his plate or order an appetiser only and there's no drama. But in a bigger group it's more obvious that I'm the odd one out.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Do You Wanna Know A Secret?
This week on one of my favourite message boards there has been some posting about "failure", ie: people who regain weight after weight loss surgery. http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/amos/a,messageboard/action,replies/board_id,4856/cat_id,4456/topic_id,3491605/
In defence of the vsg, they are mostly posts from people who had the RNY, which is a different procedure entirely. But it got me to thinking how determined I am to NOT fail at this. I knew going into the surgery that the sleeve was a tool only, not a solution, and I have been trying to work through my anxieties and fears through meditation, self-help techniques, etc. I honestly feel like my addiction to food is under control now in a way that it has never been, even though I know there will always be the "urge" to overeat, my mind is so conscious of the pain and the consequences of overeating that I avoid it at all costs!
Anyway. One of the things that I believe has been a stumbling block in my previous weight loss attempts is self-sabotage, fear of failure, etc. To return to the title of this post, my deep dark secret is this: THE CURSE OF THE 30 KG!!!! (Cue haunted house music, bats squawking, etc). I have been very successful three times at losing weight. In 1990 I did Weight Watchers and lost around 25kg. In 2001 I was on Xenical and lost around 28kg. In 2005 I was on Dr Phil's Weight Loss Challenge and lost around 32kg. See a pattern?? I have only managed to lose between 25 and 35kg before I fall off the wagon, into the ditch, break my will and smooth it over with chocolate. I am so scared of the 30kg curse... I won't relax again with my weight loss until I am well and truly past 35kg. Even though I KNOW that this time I physically can't regain that weight, it still freaks me out. I said to Gorgeous Jon (surgeon extraordinaire) at my first appointment that I have no trouble at all losing weight, I just suck at keeping it off!
This time is different though, for a whole stack of reasons. This surgery is revolutionary, to me, as it takes the "hard" part (limiting my food intake) out of my hands so I can concentrate my energy on the mental issues (and jeepers they are many lol). I need to work out why I am so terrified of being "thin". I think it's partly a reaction to being malnourished for two years while at boarding school. I'm not exaggerating! Years later there was an investigation into the budget of the school and although $4 a day was set aside for each student's food, in reality only $1.20 was spent. The rest went into the headmaster's daughter and her rotten pony club (well, that's my theory ha ha!). We lived on utter rubbish, mostly starchy carbs supplemented by junk food (starchy carbs) we bought from our pocket money. During that time I started leaving a healthy weight/BMI behind, and have left it in the dust.
Well, I won't bore you with all my weird revelations and anecdotes! Rest assured that this weight loss journey is at least 50% mental, and I'm workin' it. Hope y'all are too! Drop me a line and let me know how you're going fellow travellers xxx
In defence of the vsg, they are mostly posts from people who had the RNY, which is a different procedure entirely. But it got me to thinking how determined I am to NOT fail at this. I knew going into the surgery that the sleeve was a tool only, not a solution, and I have been trying to work through my anxieties and fears through meditation, self-help techniques, etc. I honestly feel like my addiction to food is under control now in a way that it has never been, even though I know there will always be the "urge" to overeat, my mind is so conscious of the pain and the consequences of overeating that I avoid it at all costs!
Anyway. One of the things that I believe has been a stumbling block in my previous weight loss attempts is self-sabotage, fear of failure, etc. To return to the title of this post, my deep dark secret is this: THE CURSE OF THE 30 KG!!!! (Cue haunted house music, bats squawking, etc). I have been very successful three times at losing weight. In 1990 I did Weight Watchers and lost around 25kg. In 2001 I was on Xenical and lost around 28kg. In 2005 I was on Dr Phil's Weight Loss Challenge and lost around 32kg. See a pattern?? I have only managed to lose between 25 and 35kg before I fall off the wagon, into the ditch, break my will and smooth it over with chocolate. I am so scared of the 30kg curse... I won't relax again with my weight loss until I am well and truly past 35kg. Even though I KNOW that this time I physically can't regain that weight, it still freaks me out. I said to Gorgeous Jon (surgeon extraordinaire) at my first appointment that I have no trouble at all losing weight, I just suck at keeping it off!
This time is different though, for a whole stack of reasons. This surgery is revolutionary, to me, as it takes the "hard" part (limiting my food intake) out of my hands so I can concentrate my energy on the mental issues (and jeepers they are many lol). I need to work out why I am so terrified of being "thin". I think it's partly a reaction to being malnourished for two years while at boarding school. I'm not exaggerating! Years later there was an investigation into the budget of the school and although $4 a day was set aside for each student's food, in reality only $1.20 was spent. The rest went into the headmaster's daughter and her rotten pony club (well, that's my theory ha ha!). We lived on utter rubbish, mostly starchy carbs supplemented by junk food (starchy carbs) we bought from our pocket money. During that time I started leaving a healthy weight/BMI behind, and have left it in the dust.
Well, I won't bore you with all my weird revelations and anecdotes! Rest assured that this weight loss journey is at least 50% mental, and I'm workin' it. Hope y'all are too! Drop me a line and let me know how you're going fellow travellers xxx
Thursday, November 29, 2007
One Month Review
Thought as it was a month since my operation I would jot down some things I've discovered about myself and my T4 (teeny tiny tummy tube). It's been a mad rollercoaster ride over the last four weeks, with some extreme highs and lows, but usually my life is like that anyway so nothing has changed lol. Sometimes I think "What the hell have I done, take it away" but most of the time I am rational and can see that this procedure is the ONLY WAY I can reduce my eating and lose weight - and therefore have the chance for a long and healthy future. I'm a work in progress for sure...but the key word there is PROGRESS, which is something I haven't felt or seen in my life for a long time. I feel like there is a light at the end of this long dark tunnel of food addiction and obesity.
Some of the key points for November include:
Some of the key points for November include:
- Things I have thrown up: hot chips, watermelon juice, orange juice, crispy chicken wrap (McDonalds, what was I thinking??)
- Things I can usually eat easily (tho with the T4 nothing is certain lol): toast, bread, cheese, salad (except carrot, haven't tried that yet), beans, tuna, mince of any kind, most cooked vegies, banana, eggs
- Things I simply can't tolerate: fizzy drinks (waaaaaaaaaaaaah, jeepers I miss Coke Zero). Tried lemonade, fanta, lift - Can't even drink them when they've gone flat, they kind of "stick" in my chest, even though they are liquid, which is weird...The only thing that is semi-tolerable is Solo, which according to my husband (who watches way too much TV ha ha) "is light on the fizz so it goes down fast"!!!!!!!!
- Danger foods (easy and naughty): iced coffee, choc milk, full-fat dairy (esp ice cream and cheese), white bread
- Lessons I'm learning: EAT SLOWER!! I am eating at about a quarter of my pace prior to surgery and it's still way too fast! I am suffering indigestion because I don't concentrate on slowing down and chewing mega-slowly. I'm talking one mouthful per minute, max - that's all I can hack!
- What I miss most (apart from Coke Zero - waaaaaaaah): Taking a big bite or mouthful of something, ANYTHING!! And also skulling a huge mouthful of water or juice or ANYTHING!! The sipping is driving me nuts ha ha! Esp when it gets hot and I let myself get thirsty...
I'm sure I will think of a million more things to share with everybody, will post this on the Yahoo message boards too so everyone knows what I'm up to. I took a sneak-peek at the scales this morning (my weigh-in is due Saturday) and it looks like I might be shifting a kilo or two this week, so maybe my plateau is over??!!
I live in hope! Love and luck to all,
Lil xxxxx
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Plateau
Am still located firmly on a plateau - today's weigh in has me at 147.8kg, which is barely a kilo lost in the last two weeks. I know that plateaus are normal, and in fact are a GOOD SIGN because it shows my body is readjusting to my new weight and lifestyle. But man, they are frustrating! I started back at the gym this week, which I think will help, and other than that am just continuing to get my fluids in, and try to choose healthy options for eating.
Chocolate is something I've had a couple of times in the last week or two - only small amounts, but it's not a good choice. It just goes down so well...no pain, doesn't stick...and then there's that positive endorphin effect! Even though the amount of chocolate I have these days is miniscule compared to the entire family block I regularly ate before, I'm still annoyed with myself.
Still suffering from tiredness, which my GP says is normal after surgery, and I constantly have to remind myself that it's not even a month since I had the operation. I am so impatient. Driving myself crazy ha ha. I think that it was easier to deal with the sleeve while I was losing weight - now I'm just over it, but of course there's nothing I can do about it, even if I wanted to! That's the perfect thing about the VSG, unlike any diet there's no "breaking" it or falling off the wagon. Man, it messes with my head sometimes!! But I am doing well, feeling lighter and fitter even though I'm tired and cranky.
If the plateau lasts more than another week or so I'm going back to the dietician at Mercy to show her what I'm eating, see if she has any advice. Most days I have Up & Go or boiled egg and a piece of toast for breakfast; then a small bowl of pasta or a tuna sandwich or ham & cheese rollups for lunch; then dinner is a small version of what the family has (quiche, pasta, lebanese bread pizza). I try to have pureed fruit or a banana or melon as well during the day. Actually, looking at that list it does seem like there are too many carbs in it. It sucks to not be able to have proper salad yet, and barbecued meat - I think I'll be ready for that next month.
In other news, I quit my job last week and am due to finish up there on 21 Dec. Have already had a couple of interviews, there are SO MANY jobs in WA at the moment cause everyone has gone to work in the mining industry! I am hoping to find something more interesting, and closer to home.
Chocolate is something I've had a couple of times in the last week or two - only small amounts, but it's not a good choice. It just goes down so well...no pain, doesn't stick...and then there's that positive endorphin effect! Even though the amount of chocolate I have these days is miniscule compared to the entire family block I regularly ate before, I'm still annoyed with myself.
Still suffering from tiredness, which my GP says is normal after surgery, and I constantly have to remind myself that it's not even a month since I had the operation. I am so impatient. Driving myself crazy ha ha. I think that it was easier to deal with the sleeve while I was losing weight - now I'm just over it, but of course there's nothing I can do about it, even if I wanted to! That's the perfect thing about the VSG, unlike any diet there's no "breaking" it or falling off the wagon. Man, it messes with my head sometimes!! But I am doing well, feeling lighter and fitter even though I'm tired and cranky.
If the plateau lasts more than another week or so I'm going back to the dietician at Mercy to show her what I'm eating, see if she has any advice. Most days I have Up & Go or boiled egg and a piece of toast for breakfast; then a small bowl of pasta or a tuna sandwich or ham & cheese rollups for lunch; then dinner is a small version of what the family has (quiche, pasta, lebanese bread pizza). I try to have pureed fruit or a banana or melon as well during the day. Actually, looking at that list it does seem like there are too many carbs in it. It sucks to not be able to have proper salad yet, and barbecued meat - I think I'll be ready for that next month.
In other news, I quit my job last week and am due to finish up there on 21 Dec. Have already had a couple of interviews, there are SO MANY jobs in WA at the moment cause everyone has gone to work in the mining industry! I am hoping to find something more interesting, and closer to home.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Things I Didn't Know...
Let's face it, I could write an entire blog about Things I Don't Know lol. But lately I've been struggling with things I didn't know, or didn't fully realise, about the gastric sleeve until I went out and got myself one! Last week was a bit of a struggle, what with returning to work and all, and I discovered something MAJOR about the T4 (my sleeved tummy). If I eat til I'm full, I just need to wait 20-30 mins and then I can eat THE SAME AMOUNT AGAIN. Maybe this was obvious to everyone, but really, I had NO IDEA. I assumed that I would stay full until the next "meal time". Man, I shoulda paid more attention in high school human biology. I discovered this quite by accident last week, when we had catered sandwiches brought into work for a training session. I LOVE our caterers - they make the best gourmet sandwiches - and before the T4 I would polish off at least four or five rounds. This time, I ate my own lunch and thought "no worries" but when I went to clear the tables in the training session there were a few sandwiches left and I started to "feel" hungry - managed to eat two half sandwiches, only about 45 mins after eating my own lunch!!!! It was downhill from there, I ate cheese and crackers in the afternoon, then dinner, then icecream before bed. Was SO disgusted with myself, and completely depressed about the fact that I have found a way to binge eat after having this surgery. I truly believed those days were over, that I wouldn't be able to fit so much food into my stomach.
OF COURSE, I realise that the gastric sleeve is only a weight loss tool, not the entire solution. But really, I hoped that willpower was a thing of the past (cause I patently DON'T HAVE ANY).
Now I am trying really really hard to stick to 3 meals a day, with a light and healthy morning and afternoon snack if I can't manage without one. Jeez, it is HARD, now I know that I can leave the rest of my meal for half an hour and then come back and finish it. Especially when it's something nice. If I over eat, I end up feeling bloated and pathetic, just like I did before the T4, except it's worse now because I also feel guilty for how much money the surgery cost, and upset that I am punishing my stomach (which has already been through so much).
Definitely need psychiatric help lol. I've been feeling like my depression medication isn't working very well, too - maybe my metabolism and hormone levels are changing or something?! I'm not suicidal or anything, truly, but I am so damn impatient, I have to remember that I only had the surgery THREE WEEKS AGO and that OF COURSE this is a long-term process and a massive lifestyle adjustment.
To add insult to injury ha ha, I weighed in on Saturday and hadn't lost a gram!!!! If that doesn't serve me right lol.
The main points I am taking away from last week are as follows:
OF COURSE, I realise that the gastric sleeve is only a weight loss tool, not the entire solution. But really, I hoped that willpower was a thing of the past (cause I patently DON'T HAVE ANY).
Now I am trying really really hard to stick to 3 meals a day, with a light and healthy morning and afternoon snack if I can't manage without one. Jeez, it is HARD, now I know that I can leave the rest of my meal for half an hour and then come back and finish it. Especially when it's something nice. If I over eat, I end up feeling bloated and pathetic, just like I did before the T4, except it's worse now because I also feel guilty for how much money the surgery cost, and upset that I am punishing my stomach (which has already been through so much).
Definitely need psychiatric help lol. I've been feeling like my depression medication isn't working very well, too - maybe my metabolism and hormone levels are changing or something?! I'm not suicidal or anything, truly, but I am so damn impatient, I have to remember that I only had the surgery THREE WEEKS AGO and that OF COURSE this is a long-term process and a massive lifestyle adjustment.
To add insult to injury ha ha, I weighed in on Saturday and hadn't lost a gram!!!! If that doesn't serve me right lol.
The main points I am taking away from last week are as follows:
- Stick to a meal plan, and immediately throw away any leftovers when I am full (the 1st time ha ha)
- Eat only at the table, not in front of TV
- I may take a while to get back to full strength, and won't pressure myself to go back to the gym or exercise if I am exhausted
- White bread is the debbil
- I didn't get to 170kg in a matter of weeks or months, so I won't get down from there quickly.
- The 20-something kilos I've lost are never coming back
Hope everyone's journey is going smoothly - rest assured I am back on track, and determined to have a better and brighter week.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Back To The Real World...
Tomorrow I have to go back to work. I'm dreading it for so many reasons, most of them stupid... I take two buses each way, 3 hours travel time in total, and I'm not sure how my body will cope with the sitting down, squashed in position. My family are organising lifts to and from work tomorrow, which is awesome, but ultimately I need to regain my independence. I also worry about being away from home if I feel sick, or want to sleep, or need to lie down - which has happened only rarely in the fortnight I've been on sick leave. But it's not the most professional thing to do in the office lol. Maybe I can take a nap in the stationery cupboard! I've been stressing out about all the work that has piled up while I've been away, and what I will take for lunch (from my limited menu), and what should I wear that is comfortable but still shows that I have lost 8kg since they last saw me ha ha!
I know, I'm losing the plot!! I wish I was back in hospital - truly, I love hospital, always have, since I was small and had a few lengthy stays in hospital. I feel safe there, as if I'll be okay if anything happens cause there are professionals on site 24/7! And while there I didn't feel like a freak show curiosity, which is kind of how I feel sometimes out here in the world. I feel like everyone is ALWAYS WATCHING ME (paranoid much ha ha), and every time I burp or hiccup or frown someone says "Are you all right??!!" Then there's the way people freak out at the miniscule bowl I eat from, with my tiny teaspoon, and how I pause for 1 or 2 minutes between mouthfuls... A couple of times I've got the distinct impression that people think I am doing it for effect!! As if I am playacting only being able to eat half a cup of food at a time!
To me, this process can be incredibly solitary and isolating - thank heaven for the other sleevers and bandits on the internet who are going through the same stuff as I am, which reassures me I am not crazy. Well...no more crazy than I was BEFORE the sleeve ha ha!
I know, I'm losing the plot!! I wish I was back in hospital - truly, I love hospital, always have, since I was small and had a few lengthy stays in hospital. I feel safe there, as if I'll be okay if anything happens cause there are professionals on site 24/7! And while there I didn't feel like a freak show curiosity, which is kind of how I feel sometimes out here in the world. I feel like everyone is ALWAYS WATCHING ME (paranoid much ha ha), and every time I burp or hiccup or frown someone says "Are you all right??!!" Then there's the way people freak out at the miniscule bowl I eat from, with my tiny teaspoon, and how I pause for 1 or 2 minutes between mouthfuls... A couple of times I've got the distinct impression that people think I am doing it for effect!! As if I am playacting only being able to eat half a cup of food at a time!
To me, this process can be incredibly solitary and isolating - thank heaven for the other sleevers and bandits on the internet who are going through the same stuff as I am, which reassures me I am not crazy. Well...no more crazy than I was BEFORE the sleeve ha ha!
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Grief, Part Two
In a previous post I touched on the feeling of loss and grief I have as my new life unfolds - a life without the old faithful friend food/binge eating. Yesterday has really been an important lesson for me, not only about taking it easy with introducing foods to the T4.
For many years I have had a tradition of going solo to the movies, then buying a magazine and pigging out at the local foodhall. I never really noticed this tradition until today, when I analysed the circumstances leading up to my horrifying public puke... Even when I was a poor student I would go into town on Austudy payday and have nachos, or McDonalds (or both...cringe) and happily read my gossip mag. I can't do that anymore, not in the same unthinking way. I've come to realise that nothing will be so unplanned and unconscious in my life, not for a long time, maybe never. And that's okay.
I really got teary today thinking about this massive part of my life, sad though it sounds, being gone forever. I know, I know, I can do the movie and the shops and even catch a tiny bite to eat, but you and I both know it's not the same. So MANY things are not the same. And it justs makes me a little melancholy. I've prayed and wished for such a long time to be free of my addictive behaviour towards food, and you know what they say "Be careful what you wish for?!"
I still think this operation is the best thing I ever did, even as I drink yet another Up & Go and struggle with a general lack of protein. Today my throat is killing me, I'm exhausted and a tad bereft, but I guarantee you my relationship with hot chips has changed permanently and for the better lol.
For many years I have had a tradition of going solo to the movies, then buying a magazine and pigging out at the local foodhall. I never really noticed this tradition until today, when I analysed the circumstances leading up to my horrifying public puke... Even when I was a poor student I would go into town on Austudy payday and have nachos, or McDonalds (or both...cringe) and happily read my gossip mag. I can't do that anymore, not in the same unthinking way. I've come to realise that nothing will be so unplanned and unconscious in my life, not for a long time, maybe never. And that's okay.
I really got teary today thinking about this massive part of my life, sad though it sounds, being gone forever. I know, I know, I can do the movie and the shops and even catch a tiny bite to eat, but you and I both know it's not the same. So MANY things are not the same. And it justs makes me a little melancholy. I've prayed and wished for such a long time to be free of my addictive behaviour towards food, and you know what they say "Be careful what you wish for?!"
I still think this operation is the best thing I ever did, even as I drink yet another Up & Go and struggle with a general lack of protein. Today my throat is killing me, I'm exhausted and a tad bereft, but I guarantee you my relationship with hot chips has changed permanently and for the better lol.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
What I Like To Call The "T4 Rebellion"
I'm well known for calling my gastric sleeve the Teeny Tiny Tummy Tube. AKA T4. Today, T4 well and truly got one up on me - I actually vomited in public for the first time EVER! Aaaargh. Not nice. I was supposed to catch up with a friend, who cancelled due to being seriously unwell, and rather than just stay home I thought I would go to the movies. No problems there, saw a movie, drank my water, browsed around the shops. THEN, foolish girl that I am, I decided to try something to eat from the foodhall...
Note to self: Hot chips from Nandos are NOT the same as watered down mushy mashed potatoes.
Exactly six chips later I felt an alarming agony in my chest region and knew the gig was up. Scarpered from Nandos, leaving the rest of my lovely chips, and started heading for the bus stop. Walk a few steps groaning, vomit. Walk a few steps burping, vomit. Walk a few steps saying "This is NOT a $%#^ joke, you are a $%#& idiot", smile apologetically at the nice man skirting my latest pile o' bile. Managed to get on the bus and travel without throwing up (thank you Lord), once off the bus I totally lost what was left in my stomach, in the process taking off a layer of my throat inside. Then had to walk 1.5km home. Slowly. Still burping and cursing but otherwise okay.
I am so annoyed with myself for getting complacent, second-guessing the experiences of other sleevers and banders, and thinking that the worst was over. For crying out loud, Lil - get with the program. This is a tool, not a solution. This is a weight loss surgery not a body re-invention.
My new mantra - slow and mushy wins the race.
Note to self: Hot chips from Nandos are NOT the same as watered down mushy mashed potatoes.
Exactly six chips later I felt an alarming agony in my chest region and knew the gig was up. Scarpered from Nandos, leaving the rest of my lovely chips, and started heading for the bus stop. Walk a few steps groaning, vomit. Walk a few steps burping, vomit. Walk a few steps saying "This is NOT a $%#^ joke, you are a $%#& idiot", smile apologetically at the nice man skirting my latest pile o' bile. Managed to get on the bus and travel without throwing up (thank you Lord), once off the bus I totally lost what was left in my stomach, in the process taking off a layer of my throat inside. Then had to walk 1.5km home. Slowly. Still burping and cursing but otherwise okay.
I am so annoyed with myself for getting complacent, second-guessing the experiences of other sleevers and banders, and thinking that the worst was over. For crying out loud, Lil - get with the program. This is a tool, not a solution. This is a weight loss surgery not a body re-invention.
My new mantra - slow and mushy wins the race.
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