For anyone who visits here, and not over there (at Bowling With Borderline Lil), I thought I would post a few updates. I don't maintain this blog, for a number of reasons, but I do get your emails and comments - thank you everyone! One of the reasons I haven't posted much here for the last 6 months, and why I don't always respond to emails from pre-surgery patients, is that these days I have mixed feelings about weight loss surgery. My surgeon has been asking me to come in for a follow-up as it's been 18 months since I went to see him, but I have avoided it. I don't know what to say... I'm binge eating again, I can eat almost as much now as before my tube gastrectomy, I've put on weight over the last year rather than losing it? I think that my surgery, weight loss, divorce, breakdown were all meant to happen, but occasionally I think about how I was able to have this drastic surgery with NO psychological counselling, even though I now know I have BED (Binge Eating Disorder) and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I think most people who have the surgery will be fine, as long as they don't have serious eating disorders. I think the surgery (and the 50kg weight loss) probably saved or at least prolonged my life. Being divorced is tough, but it's okay, and I think it's an honest life - more than I had before.
Please don't misunderstand me, I firmly believe in weight loss surgery as a concept. I know it's helped millions of people. In many ways, it helped me. I just wish that I had been forced to have some counselling beforehand, in order to discover where some of my future issues may have been. Anyway, it's done now, and I'm grateful for better health, and the rest is up to me. I just wish I'd never believed that it was the answer to my problems. THAT, my friends, is something I am still learning. I also believed it would change my eating habits, which is not true. For 6 months I ate a lot less, but now I know I have stretched my stomach and can eat way too much, and as usual all the unhealthy food choices are the attractive ones.
On a more positive note I am working again, part-time for a charity doing events management, admin, assisting the Executive Officer. I LOVE my job, and the people at work. It really makes a difference. Also, there are no men there LOL. Which is a good thing when you're easily distracted haha. I am determinedly single now, not interested in even the idea of a relationship, and that has helped with my recovery. I'm stable and sane these days - and owe a lot of that to my psychiatrist and Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. I'm hoping CBT can help with my binge eating too.
The negatives in my life are few, but major. I haven't exercised regularly all year, apart from sporadic visits to the gym. I am cash-strapped in the wake of divorce, disability, and part-time employment. How does Alanis Morrissette put it - "I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind..." Overall, I am on a much healthier path than this time 6 months ago (or 12 months ago).
Would I have the surgery again, given the choice? Yes. But I would insist on counselling, and do a lot more reading about binge eating and addiction transferral. I hope this post doesn't come across as negative, I've put off writing it for a long time because I wanted to be honest without being a naysayer. But in the spirit of blogging, the truth needed to come out.
Peace to you, my friends xx
Showing posts with label CBT. Show all posts
Showing posts with label CBT. Show all posts
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Binge Eating Vs Mindfulness -- SMACKDOWN
Awareness of the moment is when change can begin
www.tcme.org
My new weapon in the war against regaining the weight - Mindfulness. Interestingly enough, the concept of mindfulness is a huge part of the Cognitive Behaviour Therapy I'm learning in order to help deal with my psychiatric illness. In one of those rare moments of synchronicity, it turns out that my impulsive behaviour (binge eating) is connected to my illness (BPD), as well as being one of the causes of my weight problem. The good news there is that one weapon can do double duty and (hopefully) kick both these issues in the ass. Mindfulness is one of those simple concepts which could fix most of my problems... basically I just need to slow down and examine each moment, thought, feeling, urge, impulse, emotion. Rather than eat, emote or act as soon as the urge strikes me, I need to take time to decide on the truth and validity of the desires. Am I really hungry? Is this the "best" food choice for me? Dr Phil's Weight Loss Challenge states it similarly by putting thoughts through the Four Questions: Is my internal dialogue true? Does it serve my best interests? Does it advance and protect my health? Is it helping me achieve my weight management goals?
It seems simple and trite, but I know it works. It's just a matter of adding that extra step or two to my thought patterns, an extra step I think most people are born with or learn as children. I consider my Cognitive Behaviour Therapy to be training myself to audit or interpret things and installing a new filter/interpreter. After all these years of living in the moment (or even a step AHEAD of the moment, crazily enough) it's tricky to slow down and think about things analytically before acting/eating. With eating, so much of it is habit -- I always prefer eating in front of the TV or while reading, which is definitely NOT being mindful. Eating at the table with my family has just become an agony...which I try and get over as soon as possible, again NOT the way to be mindful of how and what I am eating. I'm going to eat in my room at my desk, or outside on the patio, in an effort to retrain myself. I just CANNOT learn to eat slowly and mindfully with the loons I call my family staring at me!!
I've found a couple of great Mindful Eating websites which will help me learn better habits. Understandably, my shrinks are more focused on other areas of CBT at the moment, but there's no reason I can't apply basic mindfulness techniques to my everyday eating. I am trying not to become extreme in my views about what I can/can't/shouldn't eat... for obvious reasons. I have also decided to not worry about my actual numerical weight for a while, as long as I stay under 125kg. There is a long road ahead, and being well and stable is a more important goal than being "X" kg. I'm going to the gym 3 or 4 times a week, and doing my best to avoid junk food. The rest of it will come later.
www.tcme.org
www.mindfuleating.org
www.amihungry.com
www.eatingmindfully.com
www.tcme.org
My new weapon in the war against regaining the weight - Mindfulness. Interestingly enough, the concept of mindfulness is a huge part of the Cognitive Behaviour Therapy I'm learning in order to help deal with my psychiatric illness. In one of those rare moments of synchronicity, it turns out that my impulsive behaviour (binge eating) is connected to my illness (BPD), as well as being one of the causes of my weight problem. The good news there is that one weapon can do double duty and (hopefully) kick both these issues in the ass. Mindfulness is one of those simple concepts which could fix most of my problems... basically I just need to slow down and examine each moment, thought, feeling, urge, impulse, emotion. Rather than eat, emote or act as soon as the urge strikes me, I need to take time to decide on the truth and validity of the desires. Am I really hungry? Is this the "best" food choice for me? Dr Phil's Weight Loss Challenge states it similarly by putting thoughts through the Four Questions: Is my internal dialogue true? Does it serve my best interests? Does it advance and protect my health? Is it helping me achieve my weight management goals?
It seems simple and trite, but I know it works. It's just a matter of adding that extra step or two to my thought patterns, an extra step I think most people are born with or learn as children. I consider my Cognitive Behaviour Therapy to be training myself to audit or interpret things and installing a new filter/interpreter. After all these years of living in the moment (or even a step AHEAD of the moment, crazily enough) it's tricky to slow down and think about things analytically before acting/eating. With eating, so much of it is habit -- I always prefer eating in front of the TV or while reading, which is definitely NOT being mindful. Eating at the table with my family has just become an agony...which I try and get over as soon as possible, again NOT the way to be mindful of how and what I am eating. I'm going to eat in my room at my desk, or outside on the patio, in an effort to retrain myself. I just CANNOT learn to eat slowly and mindfully with the loons I call my family staring at me!!
I've found a couple of great Mindful Eating websites which will help me learn better habits. Understandably, my shrinks are more focused on other areas of CBT at the moment, but there's no reason I can't apply basic mindfulness techniques to my everyday eating. I am trying not to become extreme in my views about what I can/can't/shouldn't eat... for obvious reasons. I have also decided to not worry about my actual numerical weight for a while, as long as I stay under 125kg. There is a long road ahead, and being well and stable is a more important goal than being "X" kg. I'm going to the gym 3 or 4 times a week, and doing my best to avoid junk food. The rest of it will come later.
www.tcme.org
www.mindfuleating.org
www.amihungry.com
www.eatingmindfully.com
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