Battle Of The Bulge

This morning I joined a 20 week challenge at my gym. The brilliant and stellar owner, Pat, called me the other day to tell me about it, as she knew my motivation had been seriously lacking. I hadn't been to the gym for about 6 weeks, and my depression had been so bad that most days I couldn't even get out of bed to shower. Things have started to turn around, and get better, so I decided to take up the challenge.

There are some lovely people in the group, who will meet once a week to compare food plans, exercise, successes, and the gym girls have taken measurements and weights.

FYI, I weighed in at (gulp) 123.5kg (271 pounds).

I am officially 5 kilos heavier than the beginning of the year, before my breakdown. Which is okay. I have made peace with it, and it's a lot less than I would have regained before I had the surgery. I guess I need to accept responsibility now, the smaller stomach basically lost the first 45kg, now I have to apply common sense and restraint to lose the rest. Gorgeous Jon, my surgeon, called me the other day and left a message asking to come in and see him so we can keep track. I have been avoiding seeing him, I am so conflicted now about the surgery and how easy it is to have it done (without psych evaluations, etc). I still think it's a terrific thing, and worth doing, but I do think there should be more support - especially as I was already diagnosed with depression and had serious binge eating issues.

I guess people will say I should have reached out and asked for help before I hit the point of having a breakdown. But the illness is deceptive, and I was on a high seeing such great results. I think I got carried away with the compliments and the fact that I looked better and could buy nice clothes. Shallow!! Now I am dealing with the reality that although I am 45kg lighter, and a lot healthier and fitter, my life is still empty and I am still suffering from image problems and sadness. I'm glad to have finally received a diagnosis, though, because I always knew my behaviour was "out there". I know what's "wrong" with me, and even better I know how to fix it (or at least manage it).

I had a great workout this morning, I have missed going to the gym! I have a new job starting next week, which is Tues, Wed and Friday, so am hoping to get to the gym at least twice a week. I need to establish a new routine, but not overdo it. My other problem, which is something the gastric sleeve couldn't fix, is snacking between meals. Totally out of control. I'm hoping that working again, and being busy, will help me forget about food a little haha!

Probably I should set some goals for the 20 Week Challenge (which is called The Battle of The Bulge, hence the title of this post). I don't want to focus on numbers, but getting back down to 118kg would be nice, which is where I was before my mental episode! I will work out some other fitness goals and post them here.

The Honeymoon Is Over

So here's what I just realised. It's easy, FAR too easy, to sit back and feel happy and proud about losing 52 kilos. I am proud of myself, damn it, and I don't want to take anything away from the success I've already had. However... I really need a kick in the pants, my friends. It's time to either settle for still being 40kg overweight, or to step up and finish this thing once and for all!! It's time to kick some butt, and even though I am in the midst of a breakdown, re-structuring my depression and anxiety medication (while still dealing with a pending divorce, etc, etc), I know that there's only one person who can get me over the line. And that's ME.

Truthfully, I haven't lost any "real" weight for a long time. Oh, I've had reasons, and some damn fine excuses thank you very much. But in the end, that's all they are - excuses. The same old crap I've been telling myself and everybody else for years. Too busy. Too tired. Too sick. Too FREAKIN bad!!!! I need to snap the heck out of it and get back on track, and that starts today, here and now.

Firstly, I need to start exercising properly. The walking I do every day, to and from bus stop etc, is not cutting it. I visited a new ladies only gym that's opening up nearby and will start there on their first trading day - Tuesday. It's gorgeous, all brand new equipment and I will be supporting a local business owner. They have a recumbent exercise bike - woo hoo!! Always wanted to try that, those other exercise bikes give me a pain in the you-know-what hahaha.

Secondly, CUT THE CRAP. Mental crap, yes, but mainly food-type crap. Twisties, chocolate, coffee, diet coke, muffins, chips - these are all things that have recently entered my body on a daily basis. Uh uh!! NO MORE. Tomorrow I am shopping for all my old favourites, fat-free jelly snakes, low-fat yoghurt and mousse desserts, rice crackers and lots of fruit.

I know that I've already passed the prime weight loss time, which docs say is between 6 - 12 months after the surgery. I'm well into my 15th month sleeved. But just because it's not going to come off as easily, does not mean it won't come off. It will. I'm going to build muscle with weight training, which I've always loved, and that muscle will help me burn fat. I'm going to cut out snacking between meals and choose high quality foods for my meals.

I'm sorry, but I am NOT HAPPY WITH LOSING 52 KILOS!!! I need more, dammit, more, more, more hahahahaha!! My goal weight when I started this journey was 80kg, my surgeon said 100kg was a fair goal. So my first goal is to be under 100kg by my 39th birthday in June. Once there, I will re-examine my goals, and will reward myself with a visit to a plastic surgeon to start looking at tummy tuck and boob job options for 2010.

Deep breath, kick in the pants, and here we go....

Countdown

Had my last pre-op appointment with Gorgeous Jon yesterday, which went fairly well. Have only lost 4.5kg since I saw him one month ago, he wanted ten kg - I am planning to shift another few kg by the 29th when I go under the scalpel!! Also saw Janet, the pre-op admission nurse, who was mega-nice and told me all about the pain relief options - yay! Gorgeous Jon is being ultra-cautious and warned me that there is a 50/50 chance that my scar tissue from peritonitis might stop him doing the procedure, but Nurse Janet seemed to think it was unlikely to be a problem, as I haven't had issues with the scarring before. Fingers crossed!! I can't imagine waking up in recovery and finding out that NOTHING had changed and I would have to go on Reductil or back onto Xenical... I feel sick just thinking about still being trapped in this horrifying, sad, uncomfortable body...

On a brighter note I had my third session at Contours last night and I'm loving it. The women there are supportive and the workouts are fast and fun. Will definitely keep going.

Hooray For Contours!

Went and joined up at Contours yesterday and had the BEST workout. I used to have a personal trainer, and went to the gym a lot, it really was the most fun I ever had while exercising - to have that feeling back, even only for 29 minutes a session lol, is wonderful. I'm planning to go at least three times a week, hopefully up to five times, except for a short time away while I am post-surgery. The women who run the place are gorgeous, and the girls-only atmosphere really suits me. My last gym was the base for Perth's triathlete community and there were always a stack of sweaty blokes there hogging the rowing machine.

For those who don't know, Contours is a unique concept (similar to the Curves chain, out of America) whereby they combine cardio and weights into one workout, with 45 second spells on weight machines and rebounders. I used to do a lot of circuit trainer with my personal trainer, and Contours is a low-key version of that. No time to get bored, the music blares out and there is an announcement every 45 seconds saying "Change stations"!! The weight machines are different to Curves, in that they aren't hydraulic so you use your muscles to lift and to lower (rather than the machine pulling the weight back to its starting place). Love it, love it, love it - although my calf muscles are screaming today ha ha!

My scales are currently out of action, thanks to Uber Hubby dripping water all over them while shaving... so I won't be able to weigh in tomorrow. I feel fairly similar to last week, maybe a kilo lighter but not much. Oh well. I'm sure the weight is going down anyway. I just can't wait to have my procedure and let the lap sleeve help me feel full.