The Way Things Are Sometimes

For anyone who visits here, and not over there (at Bowling With Borderline Lil), I thought I would post a few updates. I don't maintain this blog, for a number of reasons, but I do get your emails and comments - thank you everyone! One of the reasons I haven't posted much here for the last 6 months, and why I don't always respond to emails from pre-surgery patients, is that these days I have mixed feelings about weight loss surgery. My surgeon has been asking me to come in for a follow-up as it's been 18 months since I went to see him, but I have avoided it. I don't know what to say... I'm binge eating again, I can eat almost as much now as before my tube gastrectomy, I've put on weight over the last year rather than losing it? I think that my surgery, weight loss, divorce, breakdown were all meant to happen, but occasionally I think about how I was able to have this drastic surgery with NO psychological counselling, even though I now know I have BED (Binge Eating Disorder) and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I think most people who have the surgery will be fine, as long as they don't have serious eating disorders. I think the surgery (and the 50kg weight loss) probably saved or at least prolonged my life. Being divorced is tough, but it's okay, and I think it's an honest life - more than I had before.

Please don't misunderstand me, I firmly believe in weight loss surgery as a concept. I know it's helped millions of people. In many ways, it helped me. I just wish that I had been forced to have some counselling beforehand, in order to discover where some of my future issues may have been. Anyway, it's done now, and I'm grateful for better health, and the rest is up to me. I just wish I'd never believed that it was the answer to my problems. THAT, my friends, is something I am still learning. I also believed it would change my eating habits, which is not true. For 6 months I ate a lot less, but now I know I have stretched my stomach and can eat way too much, and as usual all the unhealthy food choices are the attractive ones.

On a more positive note I am working again, part-time for a charity doing events management, admin, assisting the Executive Officer. I LOVE my job, and the people at work. It really makes a difference. Also, there are no men there LOL. Which is a good thing when you're easily distracted haha. I am determinedly single now, not interested in even the idea of a relationship, and that has helped with my recovery. I'm stable and sane these days - and owe a lot of that to my psychiatrist and Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. I'm hoping CBT can help with my binge eating too.

The negatives in my life are few, but major. I haven't exercised regularly all year, apart from sporadic visits to the gym. I am cash-strapped in the wake of divorce, disability, and part-time employment. How does Alanis Morrissette put it - "I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind..." Overall, I am on a much healthier path than this time 6 months ago (or 12 months ago).

Would I have the surgery again, given the choice? Yes. But I would insist on counselling, and do a lot more reading about binge eating and addiction transferral. I hope this post doesn't come across as negative, I've put off writing it for a long time because I wanted to be honest without being a naysayer. But in the spirit of blogging, the truth needed to come out.

Peace to you, my friends xx

The Honeymoon Is Over

So here's what I just realised. It's easy, FAR too easy, to sit back and feel happy and proud about losing 52 kilos. I am proud of myself, damn it, and I don't want to take anything away from the success I've already had. However... I really need a kick in the pants, my friends. It's time to either settle for still being 40kg overweight, or to step up and finish this thing once and for all!! It's time to kick some butt, and even though I am in the midst of a breakdown, re-structuring my depression and anxiety medication (while still dealing with a pending divorce, etc, etc), I know that there's only one person who can get me over the line. And that's ME.

Truthfully, I haven't lost any "real" weight for a long time. Oh, I've had reasons, and some damn fine excuses thank you very much. But in the end, that's all they are - excuses. The same old crap I've been telling myself and everybody else for years. Too busy. Too tired. Too sick. Too FREAKIN bad!!!! I need to snap the heck out of it and get back on track, and that starts today, here and now.

Firstly, I need to start exercising properly. The walking I do every day, to and from bus stop etc, is not cutting it. I visited a new ladies only gym that's opening up nearby and will start there on their first trading day - Tuesday. It's gorgeous, all brand new equipment and I will be supporting a local business owner. They have a recumbent exercise bike - woo hoo!! Always wanted to try that, those other exercise bikes give me a pain in the you-know-what hahaha.

Secondly, CUT THE CRAP. Mental crap, yes, but mainly food-type crap. Twisties, chocolate, coffee, diet coke, muffins, chips - these are all things that have recently entered my body on a daily basis. Uh uh!! NO MORE. Tomorrow I am shopping for all my old favourites, fat-free jelly snakes, low-fat yoghurt and mousse desserts, rice crackers and lots of fruit.

I know that I've already passed the prime weight loss time, which docs say is between 6 - 12 months after the surgery. I'm well into my 15th month sleeved. But just because it's not going to come off as easily, does not mean it won't come off. It will. I'm going to build muscle with weight training, which I've always loved, and that muscle will help me burn fat. I'm going to cut out snacking between meals and choose high quality foods for my meals.

I'm sorry, but I am NOT HAPPY WITH LOSING 52 KILOS!!! I need more, dammit, more, more, more hahahahaha!! My goal weight when I started this journey was 80kg, my surgeon said 100kg was a fair goal. So my first goal is to be under 100kg by my 39th birthday in June. Once there, I will re-examine my goals, and will reward myself with a visit to a plastic surgeon to start looking at tummy tuck and boob job options for 2010.

Deep breath, kick in the pants, and here we go....

My Latest Comparison Photos - JAN 09

What It's Like To Be An "Old Timer"

I've had a few questions lately about how much has changed for me since I was first "sleeved". A year has made a huge difference, in more ways that just the scale and the size of my clothes. I automatically choose small plates and portions now, and never drink when I eat - and that was one of the hardest things to get the hang of! People still comment on how little I eat (especially at restaurants when I just have an entree) and nine times out of ten I tell them I had weight loss surgery. I'm really not ashamed of it, and am proud of my success -- and I think sometimes I can educate people on the fact that the surgery is not a quick fix and it takes effort to make it work to its fullest potential.

Here's a sample of what I eat and drink in an average day...
BREAKFAST - Porridge (one of the instant sachet types), then about half an hour later I drink some water and take my vitamins (Multi vit, Multi mineral, antioxidant, CoQ10, Omega oils). I suffered from hairloss for about three months, not drastic but I could notice it, and the BEST thing for it is Omega 3 and 4s. My hair is back to normal now - yay! I don't crush the vitamins, am able to take them normally now with no probs.
SNACK - Coffee (skim milk and splenda), sometimes a mini muffin or fruit
LUNCH - meat and salad sandwich or nachos or half a chicken kebab or small lasagne or leftovers
SNACK - Vitamin water (my new addiction haha!), a mini packet of crisps
DINNER - palm size salmon or steak or chicken with vegies or salad. I don't have potato or rice at dinner, will have pasta once a week and the occasional piece of garlic bread
SNACK - Frosty Fruit icypole or piece of fruit

I know that there are areas needing improvement, and I'm working on it, but I find that the weight loss is still happening without me getting too anal about what I eat. Which is the reason I had this surgery, right??! Yeah! Considering what I USED to put away in a day, well I reckon I am a champion hahahaha! I have takeaway for dinner once a week, hardly ever eat hot chips cause they take up room for not much benefit, I tend to crave protein now and make the effort to eat as much as I can so I don't need protein supplements anymore...love KFC fillets, Red Rooster, grilled fish, breadless chicken kebab. Mmmmmm...now I'm hungry! That's another thing, I don't feel that "starving hungry" pang anymore, even though I have emotional hunger and vague "need to eat smething" hunger. But I don't feel truly hungry anymore.

Apart from the emotional and mental side effects and issues I've had from the weight loss, I have to be honest about the loose skin. IT SUCKS. I get frustrated sometimes, especially with my boobs which used to be excellent haha. I had to buy a padded pushup type bra the other day to squash in all the skin. I will definitely need surgery, the apron flap on my tummy is already causing rashes and discomfort and after losing another 30kg it's gonna be NASTY. If I twist my arm from side to side the flap makes a loud SLAP noise, and I don't like to wear sleeveless tops now. When I was fatter I never cared - weird. I care a lot more now about what I look like, which is probably partly because I am single haha. But I found that being 170kg+ I was invisible, and so large that people tended to skim over me when they looked, whereas now I am in the more "socially acceptable" fat range they feel they can judge!!!

I still recommend the surgery to anyone I feel could benefit, and I recommend the lapband to younger friends who plan to get pregnant someday, or people with less than 30kg to lose. Personally, I am thrilled I chose the sleeve, but it's not for everyone.

Believe It Or Not!

This is going to sound mega-conceited but I swear it's TRUE. Men have started to look AT me instead of THROUGH me! Just in the last couple of days I have felt some attention, nothing dramatic just a look or a smile here and there. I thank Carson Kressley's new show for it! How To Look Good Naked is such a silly name for the show, it really changed a lot of my ideas and gave me so much to think about. I do feel that my self-perception is improving, which translates to better confidence, which I guess helps me give off a more "attractive" vibe!!!

The other thing that has been a revelation this week is Pilates. I started classes last night, and oh my goodness I am addicted already. It's AMAZING, and all day today I was concentrating on my "core" muscles and my posture - the strength and flexibility my teacher Haroumi has is so inspiring. She's terrific, not your size zero blonde aerobics type person at all (phew), her body is toned and womanly and she's just gorgeous.

Wow. I feel I have turned a corner here people... it's all starting to fall into place. The mind/body connection and all that ha ha! I can't get over the fact that I'm almost half way to my ultimate goal weight of 80 kilos. I've lost 41kg - 90 pounds!!!! And it has been easy, most of the time, certainly easier than weighing food, counting calories, taking tablets, etc. That kind of thing is soul-destroying, and this way I have had more time for ME ME ME!! Ha ha! Seriously, though, one of the things I recommend most highly about weight loss surgery is that it takes care of the eating part (if you are smart about your choices) so you have more time and energy to focus on the mental and emotional journey, which is the rockier path sometimes.

News On The Job Front

I resigned a couple of weeks ago, after feeling unhappy and dissatisfied for a number of months. I wanted to leave a while back, but decided it was better to stay through my operation and recovery, as I had already arranged leave, etc - I initially thought I would start looking in the new year, but just couldn't wait that long. I am SO impatient.

Anyway, the economic situation in WA, and the fact that every man and his dog is working in the mining industry, means that it's a candidate's market - I've literally been inundated with job prospects, which is weird! I'm not used to being able to pick and choose... To cut a long story short, I accepted a job today at a law firm in the CBD, doing secretarial/project/database work. FINALLY am moving away from customer service roles, which I've done for 20 years and am heartily sick of!! No more phone calls, making coffee and delivering the mail! Yippee! It's also a bit more money, which is always good. One of the funny things is the company has a monthly get-together with pizza -- in the old (pre-T4) days that would have been the most exciting news ever lol. I will still enjoy my pizza, but probably only one or two pieces instead of one or two whole pizzas!!

This year has been one of huge change and a lot of challenges, but I know that it's all leading to my new, fulfilling life, a life where I am not always hungry and tired and empty. It's been such a long time since I felt this positive about the future, and since I wanted to find a niche for myself in the employment world. For years I thought I wouldn't be able to return to full-time work, suffering from fibromyalgia and depression and god knows what else. But gradually I've made it through that tunnel and am strong enough to give a proper full-time job a try. Wow. It's amazing how good that feels and sounds! Small victories, my friends, that's what it's about.