Update or Downdate? You Be The Judge!

Like everything, I guess the journey of a sleever has its good and bad times. This week has been a but rockier than others, probably due in part to hormones (don't you just love them - NOT) and in part to working so much overtime at work. Basically, I am tired and cranky and prone to tears! What a mess!

Sometimes I think I get overwhelmed by how lonely it can be... I felt this week like I was the only person who knew what I was going through, which OF COURSE is true, it's the human experience man! Ha ha. We're all alone in our own universe, etc, etc. As much as people want to, and try to, empathise, ultimately no-one knows what it's like for me to have a completely new relationship with food, health and exercise (except other sleevers and bandits, but I guess I'm talking more about people in my day-to-day life).

It is so hard to explain. I've tried before! And no doubt I will keep trying. I guess it feels like I am a completely different person now than I was six months ago. So where does that leave my existing relationships?? How do I relate to people who are THE SAME as they were, and can't grasp how EVERYTHING is different for me, everything is new, everything is exciting, and I just want to erase the first 37 years of my life and start again. It kills me, I get really sad and overwrought because honestly, in total truth mode, I don't know what the fall out will be. In previous times of weight loss I've reached this point and chickened out, regaining the weight and returning to the old Lil, depressed and needy, because THAT is the person everyone knows. But guess what, this time I CAN'T go back, even if I wanted to, which I DON'T. I can't go to Gorgeous Jon and say "Hey, I've changed my mind, can you sew my stomach back in?"

And maybe THAT'S why in the end I chose the sleeve over the band, because in my heart of hearts I knew this time would come and I would have to keep going - no turning back. No matter how scary and lonely it gets, this is it for me. This is who I am.

The most bizarre part for me has been since starting my new job 3 months ago -- I haven't told anyone about the surgery, and no-one knows anything about that old killjoy Lil, so I find myself being more and more the person I used to be, the real me I guess, before the fat and the depression sucked the life out of me. I love this new/old Lil! I feel like there are immense possibilities in life, but crikey it is hard not to feel weighed down sometimes by those who love us and who try so hard to understand (but ultimately don't).

Sorry this is a downer!! I know that this is part of it, part of the crazy world of a sleever. And I welcome it all, good and bad, because it's saving my life every day.

Monthly Photo Update

Even after five months, I still feel ILL every time I see my pre-surgery photos. It's like a car crash, you don't want to look at the horror and nastiness but you just can't look away!!!!!

The April photos are a bit random -- we got a new camera the other day, which is very fancy with two lenses (it's a digital SLR) and my husband hasn't worked out how to zoom in yet. And also, we have moved since the last photos, and I'm still trying to find a "blank canvas" to pose in front of. I don't really have an excuse for the cat - apart from the fact that I adore her xxx

My last weigh in was 133 even - not sure if I put that in here, I am due to weigh in again in a couple of days. Have also done my monthly measurements, and I have lost 22cm from my hips (basically I just measure my widest part ha ha!).

So much more to say, and no time in which to write. I miss my old job sometimes, where I could surf the net and email and blog whenever it was quiet. I will do some more updating over the weekend. Want to send out major hugs and best wishes to my friend G from South Australia, who takes the surgical step on the 9th -- I'm making room for you on the loser's bench!

Weigh In, and an NSV

Official weight this morning is 142.8kg, meaning this week I am another 1.3kg lighter - whoopee!! 27.2kg gone forever! I love my sleeve! Even an idiot can lose weight this way, lol. I've been walking every day, taking my dog a little further now each morning, but haven't made it to the gym. I really haven't pushed myself too hard with exercise, figure I will need to go harder towards the end (the last 20 or so kilos) and I can ramp it up then.

I went shopping for a pair of jeans on Thursday and ended up in Rockmans -- saw a heavily discounted pair of 3/4 denims with a turn-up cuff thingo, which I loved, but was bummed to see they didn't have anything smaller than a size 22. Thought I needed a 24, maybe still 26 (I was a 28 when I began this journey). Anyway, decided to buy them as they were reduced to $10 down from $60 and I would save them for a while til I fitted into them... you can see where this is going, right?? rflmao

Decided when I got home I would try them on to see how far I had to go before they fitted, and they fitted me! Four sizes smaller than my previous size! Wow. Mind-blowing moment. They are a little tight, but nothing dramatic, and they look ace. I love them!! I really don't want to buy too many clothes for my "in-between" sizes, but I guess I can always pass them along to someone else. I caught up with my best friend yesterday, who has recently lost 35kg the old-fashioned way (walking, dieting), and she was almost speechless to see me. We haven't seen each other since I got out of hospital -- it is so wonderful to see people's expressions of pride and joy when they see how well I am doing with the sleeve. Sometimes, as we all know, it's hard to see the accomplishments ourselves...

Hope everyone is doing great on their journey, if I don't see y'all before hand, merry Christmas!! Eat well, be peaceful and hope all our dreams come true in '08.

Love, Lil xxxx

What A Start To The Week

Started my new job on Monday. Finished my new job on Monday!!!!!! Could not stand to go back for Day 2, as the people in my proposed workplace were total biatches and refused to train me, speak to me, acknowledge me... one or two people were nice but the majority are MISERABLE there, and it showed. Nup. Lemme outa here!

So I am on the job hunt again, have a promising interview tomorrow morning for a temp clerical role, with a view to permanent. It's at a hospital, and I LOVE hospitals - yay!

Met up with some fellow Gorgeous Jon patients last night, which was brilliant! They are doing so well, and it's terrific to get insight and encouragement from "fellow travellers". It's the first time I have met WLS people socially, and oh how wonderful to not be (or feel) the odd one out!

My new life without bread is terrific, I definitely feel less hungry without those empty carbs and I feel confident my weigh-in this weekend will reflect the extra effort. The spelt "bread" is actually really nice, I have it toasted with light philly, and I have corn thins sometimes which are also yummy. All in all, the journey is going great! Hope everyone else is the same!

Surgery - Day Three & Four

On Wednesday, I waited and waited and waited for Gorgeous Jon to come check on me to see if I could have the rest of my drips and drain taken out, and if I could start on clear fluids. Finally he came in around 12 and pronounced me brilliantly recovered - YAY!! He ordered me to put my TEDs stockings back on (boooooo) for a week and said he would check on me Thurs morning and if my OBs were okay I would be checking out.

After GJ left my fave nurse Emma came in and brought thin chicken broth and lemonade - oh my god, manna from Heaven...the saltiness of the soup was divine. After that Emma supervised a student nurse Lisa to take out my drips and the drainage tube from my abdomen. I ain't gonna lie to ya - taking that long tube out HURT. I felt SO SORRY for the student nurse, cause the tube was stubborn and resisting her gentle pulling, and I could tell she thought a rush of blood and guts was imminent he he. Once that was gone I had a shower, changed, laid down and went to sleep for two hours - hooray. The simple joy of being able to turn on my side to sleep instead of my back, and to be able to move without tubes and bottles.

Once I got rid of the drip I was on oral Panadol and only took two tablets the whole of Wednesday and none so far today. I really have no pain at all, except when I bend down or otherwise irritate the tummy area which makes me twinge a bit. I had jelly for dinner Wednesday and green tea, as well as my sips of water, and then had a fruit smoothie (yummo) and tea for breakfast as well as an apple juice. Now, I am HOME! And it's awesome, although I was terrified to leave the hospital at first. Not that I said anything to anyone (: But inside I was worrying "what if I get a leakage, an infection, what if I throw up..." Really, I am just taking it easy testing out my new teeny tiny tummy tube. Had soup when I got home (about 150ml) and then a few spoonfuls of icecream just cause I could! It was actually on the nourishing fluids menu at the hospital so I didn't feel too guilty.

There were a lot of things I noticed about the ways in which surgeons do the procedure and the post-op. I shared the SNU with a Gorgeous Jon sleever and then shared a room with a Dr Cohen sleever, and there were a few differences in the way things are done. When I'm more up to it I will write about these differences, cause it showed me that I was really really happy with my choice of surgeon, even though Dr Cohen trained GJ and is massively successful doing both bands and sleeves.

Anyway - THANK YOU to everyone who emailed, posted, sent flowers, cards, texts. The support makes all the difference, even though in the end we have to face up to our fears and go into the surgery all alone, knowing people are caring about you makes the journey to the other side so much easier. Love from Lil and the Teeny Tiny Tummy Tube xxxx

Guardian Angels

Such a lot has happened since my last post I hardly know where to start! Firstly, I've been visited by a guardian angel, Divine Dayle, a fellow lap-sleever who has kindly given me her TENS stockings for my surgery, saving me the cost and time of getting some made. I can't thank her enough - you rock Dayle!! I also feel like having the stockings of a successful lap-sleever (Dayle's procedure was done with Gorgeous Jon in Feb) is a lucky charm. Hooray! I love the way that life brings awesome people into our lives when we most need, and least expect them.

I spent Tuesday afternoon ay Mercy with my "crew" - dietician Laura, bariatric assessor Hemah and exercise physio Sue. They are all fab ladies, with support and advice to burn, and although I was totally knackered by the end of the day I felt even more committed to having the surgery and FINALLY curing my weight problem. Got a bit of a kick in the teeth when I got home and found a letter from my super company saying that they will not be able to release the full amount I need for the surgery - aaargh. I'm going to be 5 - 10 grand short, so I am starting to apply for finance, call in favours and grovel to family members! For a while I thought maybe it's not meant to be, that I should wait 11 months til my Medibank Private membership will pay for it...but honestly, how much heavier will I be by then?? I've been losing weight with Optifast, but truthfully my willpower is waning and without the idea of the surgery in a couple of weeks, I feel like I would slip back.

One way or another I am going to have this procedure done, and start getting my life back. I don't have unreasonable goals, simply to be under 100kg would be a huge relief, and by all accounts it's within reach - WITH THE LAP SLEEVE. Not on my own, with optifast, trying to get my fat ass out of bed to walk every morning, feeling constantly tired and hungry. I can't do that anymore. I just have to find the money. I trust that the universe will provide it somehow, and that come Oct 29th I will paid up and ready to go.

Wish me luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!