Borderline Lil's Losing Weight

Six Weeks - Hypnosis and the Hypothalamus

2011-08-08T13:49:00.003+08:00

I've been on my new lifestyle plan for six weeks now, and this week I weighed in at 134.4 kg - close enough to ten kilos lost! I'm happy with that, although I know I could have achieved more had I decided to do some exercise...

Somehow I have to get the energy up to start using the treadmill and bike. Gorgeous Jon (my weight loss surgeon) has referred me to a haematologist for an iron infusion as my iron levels are still very low. Hopefully that will hake place in the next month or so and it should have an instant effect. It entails sitting in hospital all day attached to a drip so it sounds pretty boring - but man, will it be worth it if I can get my iron levels up. The oral supplement has done bugger all.

Six weeks complete means I am halfway through the Optifast Intensive Phase and can start introducing protein in another six weeks. I see the dietician in a couple of weeks and depending on what she says, I may finish Intensive earlier. I need more energy and without red meat I am struggling. I think if I have my Optifast, two cups of vegies and one lot of protein every day I will still be well under 1500 calories and therefore should still lose weight. I record my food every day on Calorie King.com and they recommend I have 2000 calories every day (obviously a LOT more than Optifast and vegies).

I saw Beverly a couple of weeks ago - she is the NLP/hypnosis specialist. She was awesome, and really helpful, and I feel like I am getting my binge eating and screwy attitude towards food under control. She gave me a self-hypnosis CD that I've been listening to at night, which is aimed at resetting the hypothalamus and it's registering of when I am hungry. Apparently it gets put out of whack by regular binge eating and eating when not hungry (emotional eating, etc). I need to start listening to my body and eating at the proper meal times rather than just pigging out whenever I feel like it.

Overall, I am feeling confident that I can continue losing weight. I have only been doing 10 - 30 mins of medium pace walking every weekday (to and from the bus stop), and I know I can do more than that.

My 1st goal is to lose 24kg by the end of September (the end of the Intensive Phase).

Wednesday

2011-07-20T13:26:00.005+08:00

Current weight loss stats are: 5kg lost in 19 days.

I am managing to stick to the Very Low Calorie Diet fairly easily, the Optifast shakes, bars and desserts seem to fill me up and the evening salad or steamed vegies give me something to chew. It's hard to imagine doing this for another 9 weeks, but I know it's possible. I chew a lot of sugar free chewing gum and drink as much water as I can.

I am hoping to start doing more exercise this week, even just an extra ten mins a day on the treadmill. Eventually I plan to be able to run on the treadmill. I've always wanted to run and never been able to - it's on my bucket list which I am putting on http://www.43things.com/

Check out my Bucket List of things I will do during this lifetime AKA 43 Things.

Since I last wrote I've been in hospital with a gallstone attack - ultra painful! The irony is, the main trigger for a gallstone problem is eating a fatty meal. Hello...optifast!? Weird. It happened the day I saw Gorgeous Jon, my weight loss surgeon. He was lovely, and so forgiving. I hadn't seen him since two weeks after my operation (November 2007!!!). No wonder I kind of went off track. He said out of 500 plus sleeves he has done, there are only a few that haven't worked. Not that there are a lot of us "long term" patients yet. He said that one option for me may be the gastric bypass but not until the end of this year or the beginning of next. Apart from the necessity for him to train in doing them, I will be $6,000 - $8,000 out of pocket so will need to organise a loan or savings. Hopefully it won't be necessary.

Gorgeous Jon seemed uncertain about whether the sleeve could be stretched as much as I say, and also whether it would "stretch back" now I am on a VLCD. Neil and I went out for our one year anniversary and I managed to eat quite a lot. But it does seem as though there is less room in there...

Monday

2011-07-11T13:51:00.003+08:00

This morning I weighed in at an even 140kg. When I started I was almost 144kg so I'm counting that as almost 4kg lost in just over a week! Go me!!

I had two stressful moments on Saturday, both of which I navigated without eating crap. I did, however, binge - on four cruskits with low fat cheese slices. The calories were negligent but I was very conscious of, and annoyed at, the way I gorged them. I was stressed out over a visit we'd had with Neil's mum (who is so negative and depressed, and her energy always affects me and makes me feel low). During the visit we took her McDonalds for lunch, and I had a garden salad. I had to watch Neil and his mum eat cheeseburgers, nuggets and fries! I was so proud of myself, and really didn't miss the junk food that much. Except for the emotionally calming effect it may have had on me for a few minutes.

I am trying hard to eat more slowly and mindfully. To chew my food properly, and enjoy the taste and the sensation of eating. My nightly salad or vegetables are wonderful, I really look forward to them after shakes or bars all day.

I see my weight loss surgeon this afternoon for the first time in about three years. I want to update him with my progress, or lack thereof, and talk to him about maybe getting revision surgery next year. I'm hoping it won't be necessary, and that I will be able to shrink my sleeve/stomach back to its small size and make some better food choices, as well as get my binge eating under control. But if my current plan doesn't work, I want to know what my options are. I read that in the US some doctors are re-sizing people's sleeves via endoscopy, so you don't even need to have keyhole surgery. I guess the fact that this, and other revisions, are occuring, mean I am not the only person to stuff up their sleeves and not lose the weight. Which does make me feel better.

Currently, this is the status:
800 calories a day (3 x meal replacement shakes, bars, soups or puddings plus two cups of vegies plus the occasional non-wheat cracker and cheese)
At least 8 cups of water a day
30 mins easy walking a day (to and from the bus stop, so I have to do it!)

Binge Eating May Be a High All Its Own

2011-07-08T08:39:00.001+08:00

I've copied this interesting article from Jennifer over at BPD in OKC

By HealthDay

The next time you indulge in a juicy steak or a hot fudge sundae, consider this: The high you get from eating all that fat may be related to the one you might feel if you smoked marijuana.The same mechanism that gives pot smokers the "munchies" -- that is, a nearly irresistible desire to eat -- appears to help explain why people like fat so much, according to a new study involving rats.

The research offers insight into how your body forces you to eat and could eventually help lead toward treatments designed to calm food cravings, said study co-author Daniele Piomelli, a professor of pharmacology at the University of California, Irvine (UCI) School of Medicine."When we reach into a refrigerator, and we take that pint of ice cream, there [are] a lot more things happening than we think, and a lot deeper," Piomelli said. "Unraveling them over time can be helpful."At issue in the study are chemicals in the brain known as endocannabinoids, which scientists think are crucial to regulating things such as mood, anxiety and appetite, explained Piomelli, director of the UCI Center for Drug Discovery & Development. Fat appears to activate the chemicals, as does marijuana.It makes sense that appetite and pot-smoking would be connected, Piomelli added. After all, besides helping people relax and feel less anxious in many cases, marijuana can trigger the "munchies" -- a desire to consume food, especially junk food.

In the new study, Piomelli and colleagues from Yeshiva University in New York sought to determine how food affects the endocannabinoid system and which particular aspects of food set it off.The researchers came up with an experiment. They fed the rats different kinds of liquid solutions -- with fat, sugar or protein dissolved in them -- and monitored what happened. And since they didn't want to keep track of the whole digestive system, they created a way to keep the solution from getting all the way to the rats' stomachs.They found that only fat appeared to turn on the endocannabinoid system by a signal that traveled to the brain and then to the intestines via a certain nerve bundle called the vagus, and that happened early in the process of digestion. The endocannabinoids, in turn, trigger a craving for more fat."The fat hits the tongue, the cannabinoids kick in and more hunger follows," Piomelli said.The system appears to be a product of evolution's interest in making sure that animals eat lots of fat when it's available, he said. The problem comes in modern life, when the animals known as humans often have plenty to eat."In modern life, fat is everywhere," Piomelli said. "There are McDonalds and Burger Kings. But before the invention of the refrigerator, fats were hard to find."

What to do with this new information? Piomelli said it provides more support for finding ways to manipulate hunger -- particularly your desire to eat more than you need -- by disrupting how the endocannabinoid system works.The problem, he said, is that drugs designed to do just that have made people irritable, depressed and anxious. "That's why they're no longer being developed," said Piomelli.The new study was supported by the U.S. National Institutes of Health and other federal agencies.Tim C. Kirkham, a professor of experimental psychology at the University of Liverpool in England, said the challenge is finding a drug that affects the endocannabinoid system but doesn't enter the brain and cause the psychological side effects.There's still hope, study co-author Piomelli said: "Imagine being able to block this mechanism so that when you reach for your pint of ice cream, you have one or two spoonfuls and that would be fine."

The study appears in this week's issue of the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

Sucky Scales

2011-07-07T15:14:00.002+08:00

I don't know how many times I've been told to NOT weigh myself more than once a week. But it's hard to resist. I wish I hadn't weighed myself yesterday afternoon as the scales said not only had I not lost more weight, but I had gained! So I had a bit of a hissy fit. "Let's make pancakes" I say to Neil (boyfriend). "No, babe," he replies. I sulked a while and eventually went to bed, hoping that when I do weigh in (have decided Saturday will be the day) I will get good news.

I started stressing out about the scales, which are Neil's. How old are they? Do they work? I've never used them before now. Maybe they're not accurate, and if that's true how on earth will I cope?? It's all about the numbers. It takes such a long time to lose enough weight to notice in clothes, so there's no point in trying to fit into my jeans. I need to buy a tape measure and start measuring my vitals. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow so I will ask him to weigh me (if his scales will fit me, the last doctor I went to only weighed up to 130kg!)

One of my plans for the weekend is to start writing down some goals and rewards. I figure saving $15 a day at the work canteen can be put towards some 5kg rewards (-: Not to mention all the money I'll save not getting McDonalds on the way home...

I was thinking about my sleeve this morning (the vertical sleeve gastrectomy is the weight loss surgery I had in October 2007). If I look at how I sabotaged it, mostly its in terms of McDonalds. Started out with a tiny cheeseburger, and I could barely finish it. But then, next time added a small fries and if I ate slowly, wow I could fit it all in. Then on to a double cheeseburger. Then add a medium fries. Even though I was told by my surgeon to not drink while I was eating, I added a small coke. Low and behold, the sleeve is sabotaged. I stretched it slowly, surely, over time until I could eat what I wanted. Add to that my terrible food choices for snacks and meals, and no wonder I've regained 25 kilos (50 plus pounds).

I'm so damn ANGRY at myself, even though I know there's no point. Even when I read my blog when I was still losing a little bit of weight, I was snacking on chips and chocolate - just cause I could. I didn't address any of the emotional issues I had around eating, so as soon as things got hard I turned to food for comfort.

I have to keep telling myself that it took many, many years to put on 100kg (200 plus pounds) of extra fat. So if it takes me ten years to lose it, then that's okay. That's fine. Especially because the weight loss is going to come with permanent mental and emotional changes. It has to, because otherwise the fat is just going to come back every time. I know that.

PLANS
To see Gorgeous Jon, my weight loss surgeon, and lay it all on the line for him. See if he thinks I need a bypass, or a sleeve revision.

To make an appointment with a psychologist who specialises in eating disorders and binge eating.

To make an appointment with Beverley, a hypnotherapist who also does neurolinguistic programming and has proven success with binge eating.

To keep on with the Optifast and walking half an hour a day and hopefully start to lose weight!

The Prodigal Daughter

2011-07-06T16:37:00.003+08:00

I'm back, and so is this blog. I need to get back on track, and to do so I'm using Optifast. Day One was 1st July, and in the 5 days since I've already lost 3kg.

My starting weight for this part of the journey is 144kg.

Can you believe it?

25 kilos heavier than my lowest weight (Jan 2008).

*Sigh*

Anyway, I am tired of looking back and regretting and I'm tired of eating to excess.

My eating is out of control, well it was until a few days ago. I'm finding Optifast as simple and useful this time as when I did it before my surgery. I'm on the intensive phase, which is three shakes/bars/soups per day plus 2 cups of non-starch vegies. It lasts for 12 weeks.

My main goal for now is to reach 125kg by the time I go to Melbourne on Sept 1st.

The Way Things Are Sometimes

2009-07-05T17:19:00.003+08:00

For anyone who visits here, and not over there (at Bowling With Borderline Lil), I thought I would post a few updates. I don't maintain this blog, for a number of reasons, but I do get your emails and comments - thank you everyone! One of the reasons I haven't posted much here for the last 6 months, and why I don't always respond to emails from pre-surgery patients, is that these days I have mixed feelings about weight loss surgery. My surgeon has been asking me to come in for a follow-up as it's been 18 months since I went to see him, but I have avoided it. I don't know what to say... I'm binge eating again, I can eat almost as much now as before my tube gastrectomy, I've put on weight over the last year rather than losing it? I think that my surgery, weight loss, divorce, breakdown were all meant to happen, but occasionally I think about how I was able to have this drastic surgery with NO psychological counselling, even though I now know I have BED (Binge Eating Disorder) and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I think most people who have the surgery will be fine, as long as they don't have serious eating disorders. I think the surgery (and the 50kg weight loss) probably saved or at least prolonged my life. Being divorced is tough, but it's okay, and I think it's an honest life - more than I had before.

Please don't misunderstand me, I firmly believe in weight loss surgery as a concept. I know it's helped millions of people. In many ways, it helped me. I just wish that I had been forced to have some counselling beforehand, in order to discover where some of my future issues may have been. Anyway, it's done now, and I'm grateful for better health, and the rest is up to me. I just wish I'd never believed that it was the answer to my problems. THAT, my friends, is something I am still learning. I also believed it would change my eating habits, which is not true. For 6 months I ate a lot less, but now I know I have stretched my stomach and can eat way too much, and as usual all the unhealthy food choices are the attractive ones.

On a more positive note I am working again, part-time for a charity doing events management, admin, assisting the Executive Officer. I LOVE my job, and the people at work. It really makes a difference. Also, there are no men there LOL. Which is a good thing when you're easily distracted haha. I am determinedly single now, not interested in even the idea of a relationship, and that has helped with my recovery. I'm stable and sane these days - and owe a lot of that to my psychiatrist and Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. I'm hoping CBT can help with my binge eating too.

The negatives in my life are few, but major. I haven't exercised regularly all year, apart from sporadic visits to the gym. I am cash-strapped in the wake of divorce, disability, and part-time employment. How does Alanis Morrissette put it - "I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind..." Overall, I am on a much healthier path than this time 6 months ago (or 12 months ago).

Would I have the surgery again, given the choice? Yes. But I would insist on counselling, and do a lot more reading about binge eating and addiction transferral. I hope this post doesn't come across as negative, I've put off writing it for a long time because I wanted to be honest without being a naysayer. But in the spirit of blogging, the truth needed to come out.

Peace to you, my friends xx

Battle Of The Bulge

2009-05-08T11:44:00.003+08:00

This morning I joined a 20 week challenge at my gym. The brilliant and stellar owner, Pat, called me the other day to tell me about it, as she knew my motivation had been seriously lacking. I hadn't been to the gym for about 6 weeks, and my depression had been so bad that most days I couldn't even get out of bed to shower. Things have started to turn around, and get better, so I decided to take up the challenge.

There are some lovely people in the group, who will meet once a week to compare food plans, exercise, successes, and the gym girls have taken measurements and weights.

FYI, I weighed in at (gulp) 123.5kg (271 pounds).

I am officially 5 kilos heavier than the beginning of the year, before my breakdown. Which is okay. I have made peace with it, and it's a lot less than I would have regained before I had the surgery. I guess I need to accept responsibility now, the smaller stomach basically lost the first 45kg, now I have to apply common sense and restraint to lose the rest. Gorgeous Jon, my surgeon, called me the other day and left a message asking to come in and see him so we can keep track. I have been avoiding seeing him, I am so conflicted now about the surgery and how easy it is to have it done (without psych evaluations, etc). I still think it's a terrific thing, and worth doing, but I do think there should be more support - especially as I was already diagnosed with depression and had serious binge eating issues.

I guess people will say I should have reached out and asked for help before I hit the point of having a breakdown. But the illness is deceptive, and I was on a high seeing such great results. I think I got carried away with the compliments and the fact that I looked better and could buy nice clothes. Shallow!! Now I am dealing with the reality that although I am 45kg lighter, and a lot healthier and fitter, my life is still empty and I am still suffering from image problems and sadness. I'm glad to have finally received a diagnosis, though, because I always knew my behaviour was "out there". I know what's "wrong" with me, and even better I know how to fix it (or at least manage it).

I had a great workout this morning, I have missed going to the gym! I have a new job starting next week, which is Tues, Wed and Friday, so am hoping to get to the gym at least twice a week. I need to establish a new routine, but not overdo it. My other problem, which is something the gastric sleeve couldn't fix, is snacking between meals. Totally out of control. I'm hoping that working again, and being busy, will help me forget about food a little haha!

Probably I should set some goals for the 20 Week Challenge (which is called The Battle of The Bulge, hence the title of this post). I don't want to focus on numbers, but getting back down to 118kg would be nice, which is where I was before my mental episode! I will work out some other fitness goals and post them here.

Once I Was Overweight

2009-04-03T16:19:00.012+08:00

Once I was Overweight. It was 1992.
I'm almost five foot ten and I weighed about 80kg (175 pounds).

After that, about 4 years later, I moved into the Obese category, weighing about 95kg (209).

Eventually, after the Heartbreak of 1997 and the Doomed Marriage of 2000, I qualified for the Super Morbid Obese category, and let me tell you not just any old fat chick gets that label. My BMI was 54, and I weighed around 170kg (374).

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I was the second heaviest person in my class. It was 1986 and I was 16 years old, almost at the height I am now (five nine and a half). I weighed 64kg. Smack bang in the middle of the Healthy Weight category. I'll say it again - I was the second heaviest person in my class, including boys. Every day I was told I was fat, ugly, slow and was always the last person chosen for sports.

No wonder I have such a screwed-up body image. No wonder I constantly question whether it's even worth all this money (cost of my weight loss surgery =$18,000) and effort to get to my new goal weight of 80kg, which will see me still Overweight. I need to find a way to disconnect from the numbers, but how do I measure my "success" if not through BMI points, clothing sizes, centimetres and kilos? Sure, there are a number of things I can do comfortably now that I couldn't 50kg ago. I'm not disputing the fact that I've lost weight and gained health and fitness. But basically, I've hated my body since I was 10 years old, no matter what number was attached to it. And lots of other people have hated it too, and have told me so.

Sadly, I find myself still hating my body, still lamenting its ugly lumpen-ness and scarring. Even worse, now I've lost a lot more weight from my top half than my bottom bits - where I was once an "even" size 26, I'm now 20-22 in pants and 16-18 in tops. Nothing fits me properly. I would never want to go back. But sometimes I wonder WHEN or IF I will be able to learn how to value my body instead of viewing it as my enemy.

Binge Eating Vs Mindfulness -- SMACKDOWN

2009-03-08T13:43:00.004+09:00

Awareness of the moment is when change can begin
www.tcme.org

My new weapon in the war against regaining the weight - Mindfulness. Interestingly enough, the concept of mindfulness is a huge part of the Cognitive Behaviour Therapy I'm learning in order to help deal with my psychiatric illness. In one of those rare moments of synchronicity, it turns out that my impulsive behaviour (binge eating) is connected to my illness (BPD), as well as being one of the causes of my weight problem. The good news there is that one weapon can do double duty and (hopefully) kick both these issues in the ass. Mindfulness is one of those simple concepts which could fix most of my problems... basically I just need to slow down and examine each moment, thought, feeling, urge, impulse, emotion. Rather than eat, emote or act as soon as the urge strikes me, I need to take time to decide on the truth and validity of the desires. Am I really hungry? Is this the "best" food choice for me? Dr Phil's Weight Loss Challenge states it similarly by putting thoughts through the Four Questions: Is my internal dialogue true? Does it serve my best interests? Does it advance and protect my health? Is it helping me achieve my weight management goals?

It seems simple and trite, but I know it works. It's just a matter of adding that extra step or two to my thought patterns, an extra step I think most people are born with or learn as children. I consider my Cognitive Behaviour Therapy to be training myself to audit or interpret things and installing a new filter/interpreter. After all these years of living in the moment (or even a step AHEAD of the moment, crazily enough) it's tricky to slow down and think about things analytically before acting/eating. With eating, so much of it is habit -- I always prefer eating in front of the TV or while reading, which is definitely NOT being mindful. Eating at the table with my family has just become an agony...which I try and get over as soon as possible, again NOT the way to be mindful of how and what I am eating. I'm going to eat in my room at my desk, or outside on the patio, in an effort to retrain myself. I just CANNOT learn to eat slowly and mindfully with the loons I call my family staring at me!!

I've found a couple of great Mindful Eating websites which will help me learn better habits. Understandably, my shrinks are more focused on other areas of CBT at the moment, but there's no reason I can't apply basic mindfulness techniques to my everyday eating. I am trying not to become extreme in my views about what I can/can't/shouldn't eat... for obvious reasons. I have also decided to not worry about my actual numerical weight for a while, as long as I stay under 125kg. There is a long road ahead, and being well and stable is a more important goal than being "X" kg. I'm going to the gym 3 or 4 times a week, and doing my best to avoid junk food. The rest of it will come later.

www.tcme.org
www.mindfuleating.org
www.amihungry.com
www.eatingmindfully.com

Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow

2009-03-03T16:51:00.006+09:00

Trying to update the layout of my blog is proving to be exasperating. I was also asked today

whether I should have two separate blogs, one with the original purpose of tracking my weight loss surgery, and a new one with the details of my breakdown/rebuild during and after diagnosis and treatment for BPD. I think I probably need two blogs. Whether I have the mental or emotional stamina for two... well, that remains to be seen. Bear with me while I work it out...

NOTE -- Recent posting about non-weight loss surgery stuff has now been shifted to its own place http://www.borderlinelil.blogspot.com/ Just so the weight loss folks don't get scared away!

The Week That Was

2009-02-07T19:20:00.000+09:00

Weigh in day, and thankfully I have lost most of the weight I've put on so far in 2009. (Note to self - Breakdowns wreak havoc on healthy eating plans). I'm just over 119kg, after weighing in at 122.8 halfway through January. Yikes.

My new plan is going well, have been on annual leave so the real test will be going back to work on Tuesday. To say I'm dreading it would be an understatement...the social pressure is more of a problem than the actual work, which I love and am good at. But the bitchiness, cliques and net-bullying (via Facebook etc) is hard to deal with. I feel like I am 15 again, and on the outside looking in, which is weird and depressing. It's been a test of the "new me". I've had to change my antidepressant medication, after 5 years of it working it suddenly stopped, which may or may not be due to extreme weightloss and or hormonal changes. My new medication seems to have levelled things out again, and I have a new psychiatrist who is awesome. I think that there are a lot of things I haven't dealt with since my sleeve and my new life path... such a lot of image and self-esteem issues, and the whole marriage breakdown and having to be single for the first time in 10 years. My psychiatrist thinks that "simple" (haha) depression is not the correct diagnosis for me, and I am scheduled for a 2 week Cognitive-Behaviour-Therapy course later in the year. The outlook for my particular "mentalness" (lol) is often bleak, but my psych (Ian) says I have a lot of things on my side, and I am willing to work hard to get well.

Interestingly enough, one of the side effects or "co-morbidities" with my illness is BINGE EATING!!!! Weird. I said to Ian, "Man, I miss binge eating, I really miss it like an alcoholic must miss drinking"... because even though I make poor choices sometimes with food, I physically am unable to truly binge on food. Which is a GREAT thing, don't get me wrong!! But sometimes I remember the comfort (short-lived though it was) that I got from an entire pizza and a block of chocolate and I feel sad, I do, even though I know it's stupid.

On the factual side of the journey -- I've been going to the gym three times a week, and made a pact with myself that for every hour I watch TV I have to do 15 mins of crunches, leg lifts, pushups, etc. Trying to stay under 1300 calories each day, around 20-30g of fat. I've also been walking 2-3 km a day, thankfully we've had a few cooler days here.

Not For The Weak of Stomach or Faint of Heart

2009-01-24T21:50:00.002+09:00

***PLEASE BE WARNED, IF YOU ARE EATING OR HAVE A WEAK STOMACH, YOU MIGHT WANT TO SKIP THIS POST HAHAHAHAHA***

I was reading Gillian McKeith's book "You Are What You Eat" yesterday, based on her TV show, and she recommended colonic irrigation, especially for people with poor digestion. My mum and I had been talking about getting colonics for ages, as some friends are addicted to them and say they are the only way to get properly "flushed out". So mum and I were lucky enough to get appointments this morning, and had the colonic...AMAZING experience, though not for the faint hearted hahahaha! Our practitioner uses something called the "LIBBE" procedure/machine, and it's kind of DIY, so there's not someone in the room with you all the time, lessens the embarrassment I guess. Anyhoo, you don't need more detail I'm sure, but the stuff that came out after 30 mins or so was terrifying and mesmerising - like a car crash, I didn't want to look but couldn't look away!!! Better out than in as my nanna would say! One of the benefits, as noted in Gillian's book, is that after the clean out you really do think twice about what you are putting in there!! We'll see how long it lasts. Also, I was 2kg lighter afterwards (which was good as I had put on 2kg in the last 2 weeks!).

I did the food shopping this morning and made some healthy choices, hooray, and am looking forward to snacking on plums, peaches, hommus and vegies, lowfat cheese and ham rollups (a Weight Watchers favourite snack) and the occasional orange jelly snake! For dinner we had chilli con carne, made with heart smart beef mince and carrot, onion, tomato, beans, with a tbsp of light sour cream it was about 300cal. Filling and yummy.

The Honeymoon Is Over

2009-01-23T21:45:00.002+09:00

So here's what I just realised. It's easy, FAR too easy, to sit back and feel happy and proud about losing 52 kilos. I am proud of myself, damn it, and I don't want to take anything away from the success I've already had. However... I really need a kick in the pants, my friends. It's time to either settle for still being 40kg overweight, or to step up and finish this thing once and for all!! It's time to kick some butt, and even though I am in the midst of a breakdown, re-structuring my depression and anxiety medication (while still dealing with a pending divorce, etc, etc), I know that there's only one person who can get me over the line. And that's ME.

Truthfully, I haven't lost any "real" weight for a long time. Oh, I've had reasons, and some damn fine excuses thank you very much. But in the end, that's all they are - excuses. The same old crap I've been telling myself and everybody else for years. Too busy. Too tired. Too sick. Too FREAKIN bad!!!! I need to snap the heck out of it and get back on track, and that starts today, here and now.

Firstly, I need to start exercising properly. The walking I do every day, to and from bus stop etc, is not cutting it. I visited a new ladies only gym that's opening up nearby and will start there on their first trading day - Tuesday. It's gorgeous, all brand new equipment and I will be supporting a local business owner. They have a recumbent exercise bike - woo hoo!! Always wanted to try that, those other exercise bikes give me a pain in the you-know-what hahaha.

Secondly, CUT THE CRAP. Mental crap, yes, but mainly food-type crap. Twisties, chocolate, coffee, diet coke, muffins, chips - these are all things that have recently entered my body on a daily basis. Uh uh!! NO MORE. Tomorrow I am shopping for all my old favourites, fat-free jelly snakes, low-fat yoghurt and mousse desserts, rice crackers and lots of fruit.

I know that I've already passed the prime weight loss time, which docs say is between 6 - 12 months after the surgery. I'm well into my 15th month sleeved. But just because it's not going to come off as easily, does not mean it won't come off. It will. I'm going to build muscle with weight training, which I've always loved, and that muscle will help me burn fat. I'm going to cut out snacking between meals and choose high quality foods for my meals.

I'm sorry, but I am NOT HAPPY WITH LOSING 52 KILOS!!! I need more, dammit, more, more, more hahahahaha!! My goal weight when I started this journey was 80kg, my surgeon said 100kg was a fair goal. So my first goal is to be under 100kg by my 39th birthday in June. Once there, I will re-examine my goals, and will reward myself with a visit to a plastic surgeon to start looking at tummy tuck and boob job options for 2010.

Deep breath, kick in the pants, and here we go....

My Latest Comparison Photos - JAN 09

2009-01-03T17:41:00.002+09:00

What It's Like To Be An "Old Timer"

2008-12-30T16:38:00.002+09:00

I've had a few questions lately about how much has changed for me since I was first "sleeved". A year has made a huge difference, in more ways that just the scale and the size of my clothes. I automatically choose small plates and portions now, and never drink when I eat - and that was one of the hardest things to get the hang of! People still comment on how little I eat (especially at restaurants when I just have an entree) and nine times out of ten I tell them I had weight loss surgery. I'm really not ashamed of it, and am proud of my success -- and I think sometimes I can educate people on the fact that the surgery is not a quick fix and it takes effort to make it work to its fullest potential.

Here's a sample of what I eat and drink in an average day...
BREAKFAST - Porridge (one of the instant sachet types), then about half an hour later I drink some water and take my vitamins (Multi vit, Multi mineral, antioxidant, CoQ10, Omega oils). I suffered from hairloss for about three months, not drastic but I could notice it, and the BEST thing for it is Omega 3 and 4s. My hair is back to normal now - yay! I don't crush the vitamins, am able to take them normally now with no probs.
SNACK - Coffee (skim milk and splenda), sometimes a mini muffin or fruit
LUNCH - meat and salad sandwich or nachos or half a chicken kebab or small lasagne or leftovers
SNACK - Vitamin water (my new addiction haha!), a mini packet of crisps
DINNER - palm size salmon or steak or chicken with vegies or salad. I don't have potato or rice at dinner, will have pasta once a week and the occasional piece of garlic bread
SNACK - Frosty Fruit icypole or piece of fruit

I know that there are areas needing improvement, and I'm working on it, but I find that the weight loss is still happening without me getting too anal about what I eat. Which is the reason I had this surgery, right??! Yeah! Considering what I USED to put away in a day, well I reckon I am a champion hahahaha! I have takeaway for dinner once a week, hardly ever eat hot chips cause they take up room for not much benefit, I tend to crave protein now and make the effort to eat as much as I can so I don't need protein supplements anymore...love KFC fillets, Red Rooster, grilled fish, breadless chicken kebab. Mmmmmm...now I'm hungry! That's another thing, I don't feel that "starving hungry" pang anymore, even though I have emotional hunger and vague "need to eat smething" hunger. But I don't feel truly hungry anymore.

Apart from the emotional and mental side effects and issues I've had from the weight loss, I have to be honest about the loose skin. IT SUCKS. I get frustrated sometimes, especially with my boobs which used to be excellent haha. I had to buy a padded pushup type bra the other day to squash in all the skin. I will definitely need surgery, the apron flap on my tummy is already causing rashes and discomfort and after losing another 30kg it's gonna be NASTY. If I twist my arm from side to side the flap makes a loud SLAP noise, and I don't like to wear sleeveless tops now. When I was fatter I never cared - weird. I care a lot more now about what I look like, which is probably partly because I am single haha. But I found that being 170kg+ I was invisible, and so large that people tended to skim over me when they looked, whereas now I am in the more "socially acceptable" fat range they feel they can judge!!!

I still recommend the surgery to anyone I feel could benefit, and I recommend the lapband to younger friends who plan to get pregnant someday, or people with less than 30kg to lose. Personally, I am thrilled I chose the sleeve, but it's not for everyone.

New Bod New Feelings

2008-11-27T20:10:00.003+09:00

Strange fact number one - with my sleeve and weight loss has come a revamped libido lol! I've managed to reduce my anti-depressants now I'm 51kg lighter, which I think helped, but also in general I feel so much more connected to my physical being. I know I've talked about this before, the way in which I disassociated from the unhappy, heavy, unhealthy body I found myself in - and how one of the things that needed to change was my relationship with my body. I can't believe I have my mojo back (blush)... I've met an amazing, gorgeous bloke who might just be important in my life, although I'm not looking for a love match I think we all know there are other ways in which people can connect haha! I haven't felt like this since I was 21. Maybe never. I've always been so afraid to relax and inhabit my physical self, preferring to have intellectual and spiritual connections with people. That is changing my friends...

Strange fact number two - I've lost 51 kilos, right, yes I know you're sick of me going on and on about it haha. Anyway, the 51 kg of fat has left behind some unsightly scars, marks, loose skin, which is a small price to pay for the brilliant life I have without the fat. But it does make me wonder, how on earth have I ended up feeling sexy and beautiful as I do, when realistically I need a good 25 grand's worth of plastic surgery to fix up my previous overeating errors. I guess it's true what "they" say, that most of our self esteem comes from within, not from what we perceive/see in the mirror. I know I am fitter, healthier and happier than I've ever been and I suppose that projects into my behaviour and my outlook, and the end result is that I feel damn hot lol. It's all relative I guess.

I've had to come to terms over the last few weeks with my age issues. I think losing the weight, and leaving my husband, made me feel as if I'd stepped into a time machine and reverted to age 25. I've been hanging out with some 25-ish-year olds, and you know what - they were children when I started truly living an adult life. They were born during the fab 80s that I'm so fond of. They are on a different path than me, which is terrific, and I know I can still have younger friends and enjoy their company. But I have to accept that I am THIRTY EIGHT. Yes, I am single. Yes, I weigh less now than I did 10 years ago. But I can't go back. In my heart I know I wouldn't want to, even though I occasionally allow myself the luxury of wondering "what if?"

Next year is all about shedding these last 39 kilos, and starting to plan my 40th birthday plastic surgery party haha. And I know that somewhere between now and this time next year I will have worked out what it means to be Lil, Sleever, 38.

One Year Sleeved

2008-11-21T17:40:00.003+09:00

My apologies to everyone who has emailed me and commented here -- I've been in a timeout phase, I think, not just from my blog and my online life, but from any kind of serious lifechanging decision making. I think it's called a state of flux...or limbo...although the word "limbo" always makes me think of bending under a broomstick. Suffice to say, I've been out of touch with you guys for almost six months and I'm sorry! I've been doing well, really really well. Not so much in the weight loss, although that has been ticking along nicely. But I've been getting my head straight and working hard to make sure that the next part of my life is built on strong and stable foundations.

On the 29th of October I celebrated my one year "sleeve-iversary". The previous day should have been my 8th wedding anniversary, so it was a week of highs and lows. Hubby and I are still apart, and probably will remain as such, although we maintain a close friendship and shared custody of the dog and cats. We just want and need different things from life. I have made a couple of new male-type friends, and am thinking along the lines of perhaps starting to date again, now that I've been separated for over 6 months. Nothing serious! The last thing I need is another relationship. I'm still fine-tuning the relationship I have with myself!

Work is terrific, it has sustained me mentally as well as financially. I'm in a new position within Telstra and it's more challenging and interesting and for the first time in my life I feel ambition starting to grow inside me. This from someone who has never held down a full-time 9 - 5 job before this year. I walk 3 - 6 km every day (including weekends) and have joined a ten pin bowling league, even though I've never bowled before. I would never have had the courage to do that before the surgery.

I eat everything, honestly everything!! Bread, steak, potatoes, rice, pasta - there's no problem with my digestion as long as I watch out for the FULL signal. I think since I last wrote I've only chucked up three times, and all were times when I pigged out past the point of full. I tend to stay away from carbs simply because I crave protein more, so I will eat fish or steak and salad with no potato or rice, etc. I still eat chocolate too often (I am planning an NLP aversion therapy session on that soon haha). I broke my Coke Zero habit with NLP, thanks to an amazing guy called Mark Stephens (http://www.thinkslim.com.au/). I went to a seminar of his recently and bought the MP4 program which is worth every single cent. Since then, my weight has started to come off quickly again. I think the last six months have been a plateau for my body to adjust to the massive changes.

So, I hear you ask, what are the facts and figures of the last six months?? Well. I'm weighing in under 120kg now, can you believe it?? I've gone from 170kg - 119kg in 13 months. I haven't weighed this little for about 15 years. Some of my measurements are down from 161 cm (hips) to 132 cm, bust down from 145 - 122 and even my calves have shrunk by 8cm each!! I was a size 28 prior to meeting Gorgeous Jon Armstrong, and now I am about a 20. In tops probably 18. I've found the weight doesn't come as quickly away from the hips and thighs - dammit!

I'm going to put some pictures here and in my piczo blog, although I don't think I look much different from the last time I blogged. I think the changes are more internal lately. I look happier, don't you think?? People keep saying I look younger, and more positive. I feel a million bucks, quite frankly. And I would recommend this journey to ANYONE. I'll try and keep in touch more now I'm back on track. I want to take time to read everyone else's blogs too and get back onto the forums. I've missed you guys xxxx

How To Sabotage A Sleeve - A Cautionary Tale

2008-06-30T18:36:00.002+08:00

Breakfast: Bacon & egg muffin
Snack: Mars Bar & Coke
Lunch: Nachos
Snack: Salt & Vinegar chips
Dinner: 4 slices of pizza and 2 pieces of garlic bread (spread out over an hour or so)
Snack: 2 pieces of cake

The above is not a typical day's eating for me, thank heaven, but it could be. These are all things I can eat comfortably (mostly) and eating them last week resulted in my gaining half a kilo. It serves me right ha ha! I know better than that, and although I have many excuses I know that I have to get back on track and start limiting myself again. The minute things get difficult or stressful for me I want to turn to food as a comfort, even in the small doses I can consume now that is a TERRIBLE idea. Not only will it stop or at least slow down my weight loss, it's nutritional suicide ha ha.

I'm sorry I have been out of the loop for a while. Not much has changed, I think I am starting to adjust to non-married life even though I sometimes feel like I have had a limb amputated. Ten years is a long time to have someone in your corner, I really miss it even though I know everything is happening as it should, for a reason, etc, etc.

I am discovering a transferred addiction - clothes shopping! Lately I've spent bucketloads on new clothes, jewellery, getting my hair done...which is out of character for the person I've been over the last ten years. I think being married I became complacent about those kinds of things, and also as I gained more weight I only survived by thinking of myself as invisible. I never really thought about my appearance, and pretended it was that I was happy with how I looked, when in fact it was the exact opposite. I think I considered myself as non-existent in a physical sense... because I was so out of touch with my body and my image. 50 kilos has made a big difference, even though I am still obese and have another 50kg or so to lose. Shopping for size 20-22 is a hell of a lot easier than trying to squeeze into a stretchy size 26. I actually have to put things back on the rack that are too big!!!!!!!!! Bizarre. But nice!

Happy Birthday To Me

2008-06-18T17:29:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow I turn 38. In some ways it's going to be the worst birthday I can remember, but in other ways (the ways I try to focus on) it is a huge improvement on previous birthdays. I am missing 75% of my stomach and a husband, and have some loose skin issues I'd prefer to do without, but there is a lot to be thankful for.

I have a great relationship with my family and some kick arse friends
My job is secure and enjoyable and pays pretty well - also is low stress
My health is greatly improved, both mentally and physically ha ha!
I am 45 kilos lighter than my 37th birthday
I am learning stuff about myself and the world every day

Hopefully I will enjoy the day, even though this year I won't be going out for a huge meal (and laying on the couch afterwards like a beached whale) and I don't suppose I will get a present from the former Mr Lil ha! One of my best mates sent me flowers today, which was awesome, and I am taking a cake to work tomorrow to share with the guys there. I guess like every day, birthdays are what you make them, and even though it's going to be a completely different type of celebration, I am determined to celebrate just the same!!

Wish me luck!

The Halfway Mark

2008-06-15T12:57:00.002+08:00

Yesterday the scales showed my weight at 125 kg (275 pounds). I have officially lost 45 kilos (close on 100 pounds) since I started this journey back in September 2007, which is halfway to my personal goal of losing 90 kg (198) -- to bring my weight down to 80 kg (175), which for my height of 5 ft 10 is a little above "normal" but somewhere I'd be thrilled to be. My surgeon set the initial goal for me to weigh 100 kg by Christmas 2008, which seemed SO FAR AWAY last September. I never really believed the weight removal would happen so easily, even though statistics and anecdotal evidence (from other sleevers I met) suggested that I would reach my goals with no problems.

To say it's happened easily is to somewhat gloss over the puking and the emotional battles, but I guess it's kind of like childbirth ha ha!! My friends say that as soon as you have the baby in your arms you forget about the pain and trauma you went through to get that baby!!!! Most of the time I am psyched about the changes in my life, and positive about what's ahead of me, even when the road gets bumpy. It's all true and real -- which is something I avoided in my life for such a long time, and now I have the confidence and strength to take things in my stride and really go for it. I am doing a lot of emotional/psychological work at the moment (boring I know!!), trying to work out how and why I let myself get to this point in my life, and how I can avoid making the same or similar "detours" (I am trying not to think of them as "mistakes" ha ha!). The familiar "all or nothing" drive to be the absolute best or the absolute worst at everything is ever-present, but I am aiming for the middle ground. I know that I can enjoy living in a "normal" state of mind! My life has been a crazy rollercoaster of emotional highs and lows but now I'm growing up and I no longer need to be the extremes of perfect or pathetic, terrific or tragic...

I think my catch phrase or word of the week is BALANCE.

A Thousand Thanks

2008-06-07T12:08:00.003+08:00

Thank you everyone who has emailed, commented, etc about my breakup. You guys rock, and I have to comment that as much as you say I have encouraged and inspired you, the same goes back at ya! I think that one of the best things about deciding on weight loss surgery has been discovering the amazing people out there who are sharing the journey with me... it's a small but select group ha ha! I like knowing that even if I feel alone sometimes in the midst of my physical life, out in the wider world there are people who get where I am coming from.

There are no updates in the marriage dissolution stakes... I think it's called a "stalemate" (which is kind of a semi-accurate yet rather cutting word to describe a divorce now I come to think of it!). I have some appointments with lawyers, banks, etc over the coming weeks, but I am hoping the separation will be fairly amicable as we have neither property nor offpsring to fight over. I think one of the things I have noticed lately is the lack of arguing in my relationship, which I used to believe was a positive thing but now I wonder if it was a sign of general malaise and apathy. I know this guy at work, let's call him Lewis, who is one of the rare people in life who actually tell the truth, no sugar-coating or mollycoddling, and while this truth hurt me somewhat this week (when it was directed at me), in the long run I am a better person for it. Most of my life people have made allowances for me, and lied to me in the misguided notion that it would protect me -- but it doesn't! I ended up suffering from it, and I think my addiction to food was made worse by the people who supposedly loved me, ignoring it. My emotional immaturity was excused/encouraged, instead of challenged. My ex-partner, the American, was one of the truth-tellers, like Lewis, and I guess after him I chose my husband because he wasn't quite so determined to be 100% honest, 100% of the time. I think that I need people in my life who tell me to get a life when necessary rather than using "unconditional love" as a bandaid. What IS "unconditional love" anyway?? I don't believe any kind of love comes without it's expectations and conditions, and that's as it should be. "Love means never having to say you're sorry"?? What the heck does THAT mean?

I have been thinking a lot lately about choices, and how I told myself over the last ten years that I didn't have them to make. That my depression, weight, illness (lupus, fibromyalgia, etc) forced me to behave a certain way or live a limited life. What a crock of BS!!! I was simply too afraid to make changes. I ate junk and watched TV to dull any pain I felt, and used excuses to avoid any kind of difficult decisions. Living a fully realised life (jeez I sound like Dr Phil ha ha) is scaring the pants of me, but it's the first time in years that I've felt like a functioning human being.

The Mad Ones

2008-06-01T11:49:00.003+08:00

The only people for me are the mad ones. The ones who are mad to love, mad to talk, mad to be saved; the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow Roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars - Jack Kerouac

I read recently, and may have already mentioned it here, that one of the casualties of weight loss surgery can be your relationship. I hate to become a statistic (except for a positive one, eg: 100% of excess weight lost ha ha) but there you have it. I fear my marriage is over. As with all these things, there is more than one reason for it, and I won't go into detail. I know that my fellow weight loss surgery patients will be able to empathise with the extreme changes that come with the surgery, lifestyle makeover and new attitude. I have struggled with personal demons, for a long time, and now I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, I can see a life for myself where I am not consumed by, and always consuming, food. I need to be inspired, challenged and encouraged and I need people in my life who make me want more. Like the quote above, the "mad ones". I met someone recently who reminded me of what I am capable of feeling, and I can't go back to the half-life I've been living for the last ten years.

Don't get me wrong, my husband is the kindest, gentlest and most loving person I know, and we are best friends - I hope we can manage to stay friends through all this, even though I know it's a lot to ask. When I met him my heart was completely shattered from my previous relationship and I loved the fact that my husband was so different to my previous partner, he was secure and stable and safe, and he has been instrumental in putting the pieces of my life back together. How much do I SUCK...now that I am well and happy I decide to move on????

There are a lot of reasons why this is a great decision for my husband as well as for me. I truly believe we can achieve more from life at the moment if we go our separate ways, even if we end up reconciling. I have tried to be as honest with him as possible, which I guess is all I can do. I hate that he is suffering, but one of us needed to make this break otherwise I could see us miserable and hating each other in five years.

It was hard to admit all this, as I want to be a positive representation of the sleeve and of weight loss surgery! I hate the fact that I can't have it all, that I can't be perfect, but that is one of the main dragons I am trying to slay. Sometimes, even if we try our hardest, we can't fix things that are broken, and even if I wanted to have a great marriage the truth is, I haven't achieved that (YET!).

Any insights, advice, stories you have to share will be greatly appreciated. After being with B for ten years, I feel like a teenager again with all the associated angst and confusion ha ha!

In weight removal news, I weighed in this week at 125.9kg (600g less than last week I think). I have my six month review at Mercy Bariatrics on Tuesday and I can't wait for the official verdict. Hope all is well in your world my friends!

Some Days Are Diamonds...

2008-05-25T18:36:00.002+08:00

Weigh in this week was a rip-roaring success, with the scales showing me down to 126.5kg (about 3kg lost in two weeks). All together, I've removed 43.5kg from this body, and with every kilo lost I can feel myself coming back to life. I think at the end of this journey more will have changed for me than just my body...a lot is going on in my personal life these days, and I have been struggling with a loss of appetite and general low mood. It's all a bit raw still, so not up for discussion today.

Anyway, I have my eating back to normal and am keeping up my exercise which is the main aim. I am still loving Pilates, and walking every day.

I guess one thing I wanted to record today was my realisation that the food I have eaten over the last 15 years, and the fat I have gained during that time, was hiding more than just my physical self. As I strip away the pounds I am finding ideas, thoughts and feelings that I have suppressed for SUCH a long time...it's the strangest experience. I know it will end up the way destiny intends, and I know that it's "all good" as they say. Even if the journey is not all roses all the time.

Update or Downdate? You Be The Judge!

2008-05-16T20:54:00.002+08:00

Like everything, I guess the journey of a sleever has its good and bad times. This week has been a but rockier than others, probably due in part to hormones (don't you just love them - NOT) and in part to working so much overtime at work. Basically, I am tired and cranky and prone to tears! What a mess!

Sometimes I think I get overwhelmed by how lonely it can be... I felt this week like I was the only person who knew what I was going through, which OF COURSE is true, it's the human experience man! Ha ha. We're all alone in our own universe, etc, etc. As much as people want to, and try to, empathise, ultimately no-one knows what it's like for me to have a completely new relationship with food, health and exercise (except other sleevers and bandits, but I guess I'm talking more about people in my day-to-day life).

It is so hard to explain. I've tried before! And no doubt I will keep trying. I guess it feels like I am a completely different person now than I was six months ago. So where does that leave my existing relationships?? How do I relate to people who are THE SAME as they were, and can't grasp how EVERYTHING is different for me, everything is new, everything is exciting, and I just want to erase the first 37 years of my life and start again. It kills me, I get really sad and overwrought because honestly, in total truth mode, I don't know what the fall out will be. In previous times of weight loss I've reached this point and chickened out, regaining the weight and returning to the old Lil, depressed and needy, because THAT is the person everyone knows. But guess what, this time I CAN'T go back, even if I wanted to, which I DON'T. I can't go to Gorgeous Jon and say "Hey, I've changed my mind, can you sew my stomach back in?"

And maybe THAT'S why in the end I chose the sleeve over the band, because in my heart of hearts I knew this time would come and I would have to keep going - no turning back. No matter how scary and lonely it gets, this is it for me. This is who I am.

The most bizarre part for me has been since starting my new job 3 months ago -- I haven't told anyone about the surgery, and no-one knows anything about that old killjoy Lil, so I find myself being more and more the person I used to be, the real me I guess, before the fat and the depression sucked the life out of me. I love this new/old Lil! I feel like there are immense possibilities in life, but crikey it is hard not to feel weighed down sometimes by those who love us and who try so hard to understand (but ultimately don't).

Sorry this is a downer!! I know that this is part of it, part of the crazy world of a sleever. And I welcome it all, good and bad, because it's saving my life every day.

Believe It Or Not!

2008-05-07T20:10:00.002+08:00

This is going to sound mega-conceited but I swear it's TRUE. Men have started to look AT me instead of THROUGH me! Just in the last couple of days I have felt some attention, nothing dramatic just a look or a smile here and there. I thank Carson Kressley's new show for it! How To Look Good Naked is such a silly name for the show, it really changed a lot of my ideas and gave me so much to think about. I do feel that my self-perception is improving, which translates to better confidence, which I guess helps me give off a more "attractive" vibe!!!

The other thing that has been a revelation this week is Pilates. I started classes last night, and oh my goodness I am addicted already. It's AMAZING, and all day today I was concentrating on my "core" muscles and my posture - the strength and flexibility my teacher Haroumi has is so inspiring. She's terrific, not your size zero blonde aerobics type person at all (phew), her body is toned and womanly and she's just gorgeous.

Wow. I feel I have turned a corner here people... it's all starting to fall into place. The mind/body connection and all that ha ha! I can't get over the fact that I'm almost half way to my ultimate goal weight of 80 kilos. I've lost 41kg - 90 pounds!!!! And it has been easy, most of the time, certainly easier than weighing food, counting calories, taking tablets, etc. That kind of thing is soul-destroying, and this way I have had more time for ME ME ME!! Ha ha! Seriously, though, one of the things I recommend most highly about weight loss surgery is that it takes care of the eating part (if you are smart about your choices) so you have more time and energy to focus on the mental and emotional journey, which is the rockier path sometimes.

Six Months On...

2008-05-04T10:12:00.003+08:00

WEIGH IN NEWS...This week I FINALLY got under the 130kg mark, and weighed in at 129.5kg. Hallelujah!!!

It's now been just over six months since my lap sleeve surgery, and although it sometimes seems like only yesterday that I was 170kg (375 pounds), I really am comfortable now with the "new me". I had a slight miscalculation with my eating this week and threw up the extra mouthful (the old "one bite too many" trick, ugh) but I hardly ever have problems with my food these days. The adjustments that are still ahead of me are mostly mental and emotional... my body has adjusted well to my T4 (Teeny Tiny Tummy Tube), but I still struggle with my Fat Chick thinking. I don't get physical hunger pangs anymore, but the emotional hunger is as strong as ever on my "bad days" - I guess the main benefit is that I can only do a small amount of "damage" through my emotional eating. Instead of eating a family block of chocolate when I’m feeling hormonally challenged, I now eat 2 or 3 small chocolates (snack size). And really, that doesn’t happen a lot. I think as I get further along my new path in life those kind of hiccups will get rarer, as long as I keep working on the mental side of this weight removal thing!

For anyone interested in the finer details, I thought I would record my average daily food intake. I don’t really count calories or carbs or what-have-you, not at this point. I still have half my excess weight to lose, so I imagine I will have to get stricter further down the line. At this point, however, I am lucky enough to just be able to eat whatever I want (within reason!).

BREAKFAST: ¼ cup Bircher muesli with lowfat vanilla yoghurt, OR poached egg on whole grain toast OR Optifast shake
SNACK: Skim milk latte, low fat muffin OR banana OR Bounce Protein Ball
LUNCH: Ham, cheese and salad sandwich on rye bread, OR tuna sushi (6 pieces), OR small nachos, OR cup of vegie soup
SNACK: Coke Zero, ½ cup of popcorn OR potato chips OR cashew/pistachio nuts OR small chocolate bar
DINNER: Palm size piece of steak/chicken/salmon with salad or vegies. I don’t eat potato or pasta or rice. Once a week I have takeaway, usually half a chicken kebab/yiros or a piece of KFC with mashed potato and once a fortnight I have homemade pizza (and then freeze the leftovers to have for lunch, etc. Three small pieces per serve).
SUPPER: Occasionally I will have some fruit or nuts in the evening but I try not to eat after 7pm.
WATER: Most days I have two 600ml bottles of water throughout the day, I am hoping to increase this now I am doing more high intensity exercise.
EXERCISE: Five days a week I walk 4km at a fairly good pace; twice a week I do cardio workout video, I start Pilates classes on Tuesday and have a stretching/weights program I want to do twice a week too.

So there you have it – the life of Lil! It’s pretty cruisy, I know, and I can see that it won’t always be that easy to lose a kilo a week. But while it’s working for me I’ll keep doing it! I also have some visualisation/meditations on my MP3 player that I do two or three times a week (should be more!) and have been working on vision boards with inspirational pictures etc on. I think weight loss removal is a HOLISTIC experience ha ha!!

I went to a secondhand store warehouse sale yesterday, where every item was $1 – I ended up buying so much stuff, spent about $30 and now have some clothes that actually fit me! Yay! I was getting to the point of having to pull my trousers up every five mins – not a good look!!! I bought a gorgeous pink linen skirt for next summer which is a size 18 – nice to have some inspiration I think. Most of the clothes I bought yesterday were 20-22, and this time six months ago I couldn’t fit comfortably in my size 26s. I feel like I have accomplished something, finally, and now when I look in the mirror I don’t see a blob. Wow. I have my follow-up appointment with my surgeon this month, including blood tests, and I can’t wait to see Gorgeous Jon’s verdict! Got to make him proud!

Clothes Maketh The Sleever

2008-04-22T21:12:00.005+08:00

One of the things Dr Phil is adamant about in his Seven Keys To Weight Loss Success is that to create a no-fail environment is essential. Naturally, a lot of that pertains to not having junk food in the house, where possible, and avoiding driving home past HJs, etc. But one of the things I didn't do back in 2004 when I lost 30kg on "Dr Phil" was the wardrobe makeover. Dr Phil says that once you've lost weight, you need to chuck out everything that is too big, or too stretchy, and in fact he even says something crazy and damn near lunatic -- we shouldn't have any pants with stretchy waists?????!!!!!!!!!! I definitely get where the man is coming from, because having loose clothes makes it too easy to expand back into them. But you can tell the man is...well...a man! He obviously never suffered from monthly bloating, let alone those HORROR days when every angle shows a stomach twice as large as it was the day before. Definitely need to have SOME give in those waistbands, hey ladies?

But, all kidding aside, I get where the Doc is coming from. I didn't throw out my "fat clothes" last time, which probably saved me some money as I got to wear them again as I gradually grew to fit them again (and then grew out of them, to the extra extra large plus sizes of no return). I'm at the point now where a few things are ridiculously big on me. A couple of dresses are so baggy on the bust that I cause eyes (and nearly my own parts) to pop out when I bend over at work. And I put on a pair of jeans on the weekend, my favourite jeans I couldn't wear for a while there (size 26 was just a bit too tight when I was 170kg), and there is a stupid excess of fabric around the legs! They are big at the waist, but I was thinking I could actually buy a belt for the first time in my life ha ha! But really, the legs are so wide in comparison to my ACTUAL legs that I can hardly wear them. The extra denim rubs and rustles, making an alarming sound as well as feeling rather weird!! So here, perhaps for the final time, are my favourite jeans...
I've had them for so many years, and I don't want to buy any replacements for at least another 40kg or so. Luckily a friend has given me some of her ex-fat clothes (which are size 20, I guess it's all relative!) and I will soon be able to wear them comfortably. I think this week I need to do that closet cleanup and get rid of my size 7XL mens track pants and those gaping dresses.

It will be sad to say goodbye to those old faithful friends, but like everything in life I think you need to make room for new friends and new experiences. I cannot wait to be able to shop in "normal" shops and to have tiny clothes! There will be more room in my luggage next time I go away! I will be able to fit more in the washing machine!

But, big and heavy though you are, I'll miss you my lovely flowered, sequinned Katies 1626 jeans.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh

2008-04-20T07:00:00.002+08:00

This week has been a complete blur. Have been working overtime every day, leaving home at 5:45am and getting home at 6:15pm -- no time for anything remotely resembling exercise, fun, or keeping in touch! This week should be back to normal, with no staff shortages (fingers crossed) and damn I am looking forward to the three day weekend. Hooray for the Anzacs I say, not only contributing to the general freedom from tyranny we enjoy but also scoring me a desperately-needed day off.

My weigh in this week was fairly dismal, not as dismal as it should have been considering the medicinal Freddo Frogs (chocolate, not amphibian, for those of you in America!) I consumed in a (futile) attempt to keep my energy levels up every afternoon. I'm now 131.3kg (289 pounds) - SO CLOSE to the 40kgs (88 pounds) lost target, when I can reward myself with a new pair of running shoes (to replace the pair I am still wearing even after the heel broke apart a couple of weeks ago). I found this week that I lost the plot slightly with regards to my food plan, I had hot chips (fries) one afternoon and another day a packet of crisps (chips). My latest mantra is CHOOSE YOUR RABBITS WISELY. I read a Chinese proverb recently that said "If you try to chase more than one rabbit, both rabbits will escape", and I thought how well that relates to my weight loss journey. I am trying to get my finances back on track, and learn my new job, as well as exercise, eat properly and keep mental focus. That's a lot of damn wascally wabbits!!! Occasionally, one of them (ie: the one that is carrying the healthy food!) gets away, but I need to concentrate on the particular rabbit/task in front of me. So I guess what I am rambling on about here is that I don't need to be 100% in control of everything all the time. Phew. What a relief. That's the BEST thing about this surgery, even if I do lose the plot and eat crap, I can only eat a small amount of it (thereby limiting the damage).

I am really starting to wonder if this whole journey, my whole life maybe, is about the realisation that I can't be in control all the time. I have to learn to be happy with being kind of good at things, better at others, and sometimes I will fail at almost everything!!! That's okay, isn't it?? Doctor Phil would say DO WHAT YOU CAN, WITH WHAT YOU HAVE, WHERE YOU ARE. I think if I can truly believe that, and live it, then I will be successful in losing this weight and keeping it off forever.

The Measuring Stick

2008-04-11T16:44:00.001+08:00

AREA/DATE/MEASUREMENT----DATE/MEASUREMENT
Neck - Oct 4 / 39cm ---------------Apr 1 / 36cm ---(loss of 3cm)
Bust - Oct 4 / 145cm---------------Apr 1 / 129cm ---(loss of 16cm)
Waist - Oct 4 / 132cm -------------Apr 1 / 121cm ---(loss of 11cm)
Hip - Oct 4 / 161cm --------------- Apr 1 / 139cm ---(loss of 22cm)
Thigh - Oct 4 / 84cm --------------Apr 1 / 78cm ---(loss of 6cm)
Calf - Oct 4 / 64cm ----------------Apr 1 / 59cm ---(loss of 5cm)

Black Forest Cake - The New Evil

2008-04-05T08:25:00.004+08:00

This week was my other half's birthday - April Fool's Day, can you believe it?! My mum bought a Black Forest Cake from the Cheesecake Shop, and I ate two pieces (over two days, but still!!). When adding it to my food diary I was amazed to see that not only did it have over 600 cal per piece (which The Biggest Loser had already informed me this week) it also has 40 GRAMS OF FAT! I can hardly get my head around that. I think the moral of the story is that certain things (ie: Black Forest Cake) can have no place in a health conscious life!! At least it's only once a year... I intend to have some incredibly healthy low-fat cake for my birthday in June!

No wonder my weight loss over the last two months has been pitiful. (Since Jan only 6 kg) This week I have been trying to limit my bad snack choices, which had gotten out of control since I started my new job at the beginning of Feb. I find that my three meals a day are fairly good, but I was having mini chocolate bars, or a small packet of crisps, or a full cream milk latte with two sugars. I've decided I will record here some of the things I have changed, but that I still plan on improving over the rest of the year.

In the PAST I would have had: half a family block of chocolate
In the NOW I have: one snack size Twirl or Time Out
In the FUTURE I plan on: not enjoying chocolate at all, eradicating it from my life!

In the PAST I would have had: a 24 can carton of Coke Zero per week
In the NOW I have: about 10 cans of Coke Zero a week
In the FUTURE I plan on: not having any soft drink in my diet

In the PAST I would have had: no water at all
In the NOW I have: 1 to 2 litres of water a day
In the FUTURE I plan on: drinking 3-4 litres a day

In the PAST I would have: not exercised at all
In the NOW I: do cardio or weights three times a week and walk 2-4km 5 days a week
In the FUTURE I plan on: cardio or weights 5 days a week, walking or running every day

In the PAST I would have: stayed at 170kg ++
In the NOW I have: lost an impressive 38kg
In the FUTURE I plan on: being under 100kg by my one year surgiversary in Oct

There are probably a lot more things I can add to this list. I am, after all, a work in progress! I read a quote the other day that said "It is better to move slowly than to stay in the one place", and that's how I am TRYING to look at it. I am struggling to get through the 130kg zone, it's really been up half a kilo, down half a kilo... but I am refocusing and making better choices (apart from the whole Black Forest Cake debacle ha ha!).

One of the things I have always struggled with is the need to be perfect and the crazy obsessive tendency I have to be "all or nothing". For instance, I would starve myself for two weeks and then eat something "bad" and go on a massive binge. Or I would be up and walking or cycling every day for a month and then injure myself and promptly regain all the weight I had lost. The decision to have weight loss surgery was partly to rid myself of that all or nothing ness. Even though it IS an extreme choice, it takes away my need to be perfectly healthy and virtuous all the time, even when I am slack for a day I can still lose weight. I truly feel like I am gradually becoming less hard on myself, and more relaxed, and I take each day as it comes.

Monthly Photo Update

2008-04-03T20:36:00.004+08:00

Even after five months, I still feel ILL every time I see my pre-surgery photos. It's like a car crash, you don't want to look at the horror and nastiness but you just can't look away!!!!!

The April photos are a bit random -- we got a new camera the other day, which is very fancy with two lenses (it's a digital SLR) and my husband hasn't worked out how to zoom in yet. And also, we have moved since the last photos, and I'm still trying to find a "blank canvas" to pose in front of. I don't really have an excuse for the cat - apart from the fact that I adore her xxx

My last weigh in was 133 even - not sure if I put that in here, I am due to weigh in again in a couple of days. Have also done my monthly measurements, and I have lost 22cm from my hips (basically I just measure my widest part ha ha!).

So much more to say, and no time in which to write. I miss my old job sometimes, where I could surf the net and email and blog whenever it was quiet. I will do some more updating over the weekend. Want to send out major hugs and best wishes to my friend G from South Australia, who takes the surgical step on the 9th -- I'm making room for you on the loser's bench!

Note To Self

2008-03-26T20:31:00.002+09:00

Next time I have weight loss surgery, I will definitely have to get it done alongside my husband and my family. Aaaargh. They just don't seem to grasp what it's like, and I'm happy for them, honestly, because it is a tough road at times. But having understanding is sooo important, and sometimes I feel sad that the true empathy and sharing I have on this journey comes from people I barely know or have never met.

I can't just sit in front of the TV and eat every night anymore. I don't want to! I need to keep busy and get stuff done, and WHY don't they get it??

Dr Phil would say you either get it or you don't. Is it ME that doesn't get it???????????????

I Shouldn't Be Alive

2008-03-25T20:20:00.003+09:00

I know, a terribly dramatic name for a blog post. Technically, I think it's true. Had a near-death experience when I was 7 years old, as well as numerous other "close calls". But when I say I Shouldn't Be Alive I am referring in this case to my all-time favourite show. I have been re-watching them obsessively over the last few weeks, having re-discovered the dvds during the Great Move of '08. There is so much to love about the classic Discovery Channel series, which for those of you who are unfamiliar with it, chronicles true stories of survival - as told by the survivors themselves (along with dramatic re-enactments, etc). First of all, I LOVE the fact that you know people survived. I hate not knowing! I can't deal with worrying about fictional characters let alone real people, which is why I love to re-read books a hundred times I guess.

Mostly, though, with ISBA the joy is from the sheer determination and will that gets people through unimaginable pain and stress. Invariably there is a moment in every story where the people think they are being rescued but then the plane is too high, the boat goes past, the rescuer doesn't see them, etc... and at that moment there is the choice made - I'm gonna get through this. You can see it, hear it, from the survivors, that it really was a case of "darkest before the dawn", and that they could easily have laid down and given up at that point. But the people in these stories DON'T GIVE UP. If they can survive mad hippo attacks, near-drownings, starvation, frostbite and hypothermia (thankfully, those didn't all happen in the same episode - it's not the Bold & The Beautiful lol), then I am damn sure I can survive weight loss surgery!!

It's so inspiring to me, and my family think I am nuts, I just love to watch each episode. These are mostly ordinary people, though some are experienced climbers, etc. One episode was kinda counter-productive to the whole weight loss campaign. Frozen At 20,000 Feet has three British climbers on Mt McKinley, and the one who fares the best after a couple of nights exposed to the elements is the one with the highest percentage of body fat!!! That's ironic! He suffered less cause his body had more to consume I guess. But in the tradition of the happy-go-lucky, lovable chubby guy he saved his mate's life by cuddling him through the night...

I'm sure I am NOT managing to convey the messages of I Shouldn't Be Alive, or explain why I am so attached to it. Suffice to say, it's worth watching for anyone who has Foxtel or access to Bigpond Movies.

In other news, I'm managing to limit my portion sizes (which were waaaay out of control - a whole sandwich!! Gasp!) and thanks to my excellent friend Minski have a terrific idea for high protein breakfast (: Walking four ks a day, and have designed a circuit to do with my hand weights a few times a week now I am gym-less. I think that I will need to step it up for Phase Two of the VSG journey. The first 40kg has pretty well fallen off, and I think I will continue to lose if I just plod along. But would it kill me to work a little harder?? Just think, it could be worse, I could be Trapped Under The Ice or Lost In The African Bush ha ha ha...

Love and luck to all! Catch you in the next episode xxx

Update On The Last Ten Days!

2008-03-21T06:32:00.004+09:00

First of all, don't EVER assume that because you work for Telstra you get better service from them! Eight whole days we've been without internet access!! I didn't realise how much I depended on my online world for my sanity until it was gone. Thankfully, we are now reconnected and I can breathe again!

Since we last spoke (ha ha) I have weighed in twice. Initially, I was down to 133.3kg (a loss of 1.1kg I think?) but next time, a week later, I was back up to 134.7kg. As you know, we moved house during the last two weeks so maybe the new floor is wonky (thereby skewing the scales??). Could have something to do with the THREE hot cross buns I ate yesterday. I need to kick that gluten habit again, I am such a carb addict and once I have one I have to have more. Pathetic I know!

We are fairly well unpacked and getting organised, looking forward to the four day Easter weekend to fine tune the new arrangements. My new place is quite a distance from the bus stop, which means I am walking four kilometres (one k to the bus, one k from bus to work and vice versa) each day. I find it hard sometimes to remember that just 6 months ago I couldn't even walk half a kilometre without being puffed. I am looking at buying a recumbent exercise bike for when it gets really rainy and I dip out on some of the walking (through cadging a lift to the bus stop). I used to have an ordinary exercise bike, which I loved, but I still weigh 130kg plus and those little seats are RATHER uncomfortable! The recumbent ones are more expensive, but more comfortable. They have a proper seat for a start!

Food wise, sleeve wise, the last two weeks have been a bit hit & miss. I think having a lot on my mind, with moving, finances etc, has distracted me from the better food choices. Even though I can still only eat small amounts, and I don't feel physically hungry most of the time, I am still prone to emotional eating and bad choices. For instance, at work we have mini chocolate bars that the social club has for sale, and a couple of days this week I ate 2 or 3 -- even though they are small, the calories and fat still add up! And they are easily digested so there is still room for lunch! I need to make sure I have better snackfoods on hand - fruit, popcorn, etc. One of things I found out about the hair loss issue was that it relates to the absorption of protein - sometimes it takes a while for the new stomach to re-learn how to absorb protein, which is why the hair loss reverses itself after six months or so I guess.

Anyway - I eat protein with every meal (except lunch occasionally) but decided I could up the ante a bit. My latest find is Bounce Balls! (http://www.bouncesnackfoods.com/) I have to say I don't agree with the whole TASTY angle, even though they LOOK like a huge toffee with nuts they TASTE more like a brown piece of blutack with flakes of paint stuck in it. I find them a bit hard to eat sometimes! But they are 12g of protein for 9g of fat and 200 cal -- way better than an egg or something similar. And it's whey protein, which apparently is the best for the body to digest. I have half a one for my morning snack and half in the afternoon, and in the last couple of weeks my hair really has improved! It's not falling out so drastically (I know, I know, it probably is saving itself up for a mass evacuation any day now!)

Well, as you can tell I am still alive, still kicking, and wow have I missed everyone! How've you been??

Things "They" Don't Want Us To Tell You (:

2008-03-11T20:20:00.002+09:00

Sometimes I struggle with how honest I should be in this blog. For a start, the people reading it are often trying to make an informed decision about bariatric surgery, and I would hate to feel I had any negative influence on their opinion of the vertical sleeve gastrectomy. But I have this crazy obsession with the truth, and so I hereby tell the story of the past week...

It ain't all beer and skittles. As an aside, isn't that a bizarre saying?? I guess it means that it's not all fun & games, or it IS all fun & games until someone loses an eye (or a stomach ha ha!!). Anyway. As usual, I digress. I've been struggling this past week or so, for a number of reasons, compounded by the fact that when I weighed in on the weekend I had gained half a kilo. We are moving house on Friday, and have been in a complete upheaval trying to pack and get organised. I also have decided that being good at my new job is not enough, I have to be the best person EVER to do the job, and have started to create these crazy high standards and goals for myself which are doomed to failure. There is a vague quota of work we need to process each day, which is not enforced AT ALL, but I decided I would be the first person ever to beat a particular number -- even though I've only been doing the fricken job for five weeks.

One therapist I had years ago said he had never seen anyone with such impossibly high standards for herself as I had. Apparently it is VERY common for those kind of people (ie: me) to develop fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue, which I suffered from for a few years. I managed to get well, and have been symptom-free for almost 12 months, until this week!!!! Aaaaargh. I instantly knew what was happening, I felt exhausted and achy and my brain went foggy... the difference is, this time I know how to handle it, and I know how to fix it. For any fibro or CF sufferers out there, visit www.reversetherapy.com -- the best thing I ever found.

I guess what was interesting and frustrating was that I was so distracted by the VSG and my weight loss journey that I neglected other areas of my general health. Nuts! I can't believe I have been obsessing about my HAIR. For the rest of the week I am working on realigning myself with what's important. I am such a weirdo perfectionist high achiever. I stressed out last week because my March photos weren't "thin" looking enough to put on my blogs!! Never mind that I have lost almost 40kg (75 pounds), I was freaking out that I looked the same as the Sept 07 photo. Um, NO! Every time I stressed out about something stupid I ate crap - a Mars Bar here, potato chips there. No wonder I gained weight!

So I guess I want to emphasise that while none of this craziness has anything to do with the removal of 75% of my stomach in Oct 07, it certainly needs to be recorded. The rest of my life is not miraculously shiny and happy, even though it's a damn sight better than this time last year. I need to keep an eye on the ball otherwise it'll smack me in the face and THEN I'll have some complaining to do lol.

Four Months After Surgery...

2008-03-04T20:27:00.003+09:00

I can hardly believe that four months have passed since I went into surgery and came out a completely changed woman. I have to say that the operation has only done part of the job, the rest of the transformation (the mental one) has evolved slowly and with some hard work. I am still doing my visualisation and meditation CDs, at least 3-4 times a week, and I swear by them. I think they have been better for me than any gym membership or protein shake could ever be!

Not only have I continued to lose weight, even though I am fairly slack when it comes to exercise and enjoy a chocolate muffin every day (gluten free but not exactly non-fat!), but for the first time in FOREVER I feel excited about the future. Regular visitors to this blog will remember how I felt approaching the "30 Kilo Curse". http://lastchancelil.blogspot.com/2008/01/do-you-wanna-know-secret.html Since then, I have tried hard to work on some of the mental and emotional barriers to my weight loss, because I know that ultimately this journey will not reach a successful end unless I want it with my whole heart and believe in it (and myself) fully. I had a real epiphany recently (fancy word for a light bulb moment ha ha). With reference to that 30 Kilo Curse, I was convinced that I was a "lesser" person since that heartbreak changed my life... and I was sure that I needed to "get back" to that lighter self... but now I understand that so much of who I THOUGHT I was then was tied up in that idiot guy, and really I was clueless about who I actually was as a person. I would HATE to be that person again, though I love her dearly and understand her so much more... I can see so clearly now that the person I am NOW is the real Lil, even if I seem moody and slightly freaked out by life, and even if I don't have such drama and excitement in my day-to-day existence.

Wow. It was such an incredible relief to finally be free of that burden, to know once and for all that I will NEVER be that person again (even though I always thought it was who I WANTED to be again). I'm probably not making any sense!!!!!! What else is new???

One of my favourite quotes is from Nelson Mandela, and it goes something like "the best way to see how far you have come is to revisit the places you have been". I'm probably remembering it wrong, but anyway. You get the point. And that's what I have needed to do, to move on and get closure and all those other soap opera cliches! I really don't know who I will be at the end of this journey, but it will be a person who is stronger and fitter and wiser than I ever have been before. Yay for the VSG, and for the freedom it's given me. All that time I used to use thinking about food I can now use to think about myself and self-analyse -- scary ha ha!!

Things I Have In Common With Scarlett Johansen

2008-03-01T19:44:00.004+09:00

This week I opened the FAMOUS magazine to discover that gorgeous Hollywood star Scarlett Johansen appears to have a hair loss problem!!

Who knew!? I am so relieved that I'm not alone... I wish I knew how to resolve the hair falling out issue, I know that it's common with WLS, obviously due to a nutritional deficit of some kind. I am taking lots of supplements, esp Omega 3, and I think (from what I've read online) that it eventually stops and the hair grows back in. It's just depressing! Like a lot of fat chicks, my hair was always something I could work with, and show off, even if the rest of my body was a black hole ha ha. To have the top of my head showing through my thinning hair is just hideous...even though everyone says it's not noticeable IT IS TO ME damn it!

In flab-fighting news, my weigh in this week showed a downward shift of 1.5kg, making me a positively svelte (ha ha) 134.5kg. Since Sept 07 I'm 35.5kg lighter, yay for me and the sleeve! My BMI has come down from 57 to 45!!

Still Going Down, Chocolate Notwithstanding

2008-02-23T20:14:00.004+09:00

Hi all, and can I just say now while I think of it, THANK YOU so much to everyone who reads, comments on, and emails me about this blog. I've made so many friends online through this journey, and all of you have helped, and continue to help, me every day. You rock! I won't name names, but y'all know who I mean (:

Anyway. Even though I had a dreadful week as far as my food choices went (I blame PMT ha ha) I weighed in another half kilo lighter this morning. Just goes to show the amazing power of the T4 (my gastric sleeve for those who are new to this!). I ate chocolate three times this week, and had KFC TWICE (now I can eat chicken again I am going overboard, me and my damn addictive personality yikes). Haven't been to the gym in weeks, but luckily am still walking to and from work from the station which adds up to a couple of k's each day. And even when I choose KFC, I can only eat one piece of chicken and half a small potato and gravy, so I guess there is a limit to the damage done. But really, I need a stern talking to!! I am spending this weekend reassessing my working week food plan, trying to find cheaper and healthier food to take to work. Lately I have been getting a sandwich at the cafe in my building, which SUCKS because I now have to beat that white carb addiction all over again. I can eat about half a roast beef and salad sandwich at lunch and then have the other half for afternoon tea, it's not too sucky a choice except for the whole crappy carb thing ):

One of the things I wanted to mention about my trip to Adelaide was a terrific NSV (Non Scale Victory). For the first time in YEARS I could fasten the seatbelt and didn't need to humiliate myself by asking for an extender! Woot!!!!!!!!!!! I took a photo of the blessed occasion:

It's kind of hard to make out, but trust me, I was there, it happened. I also had the whole row to myself which was EXTREMELY ironic cause last time I flew I had to purchase two seats cause I took up so much room. Where were those spare seats THEN huh???

This Week's Date With The Scales

2008-02-16T20:31:00.003+09:00

I am now down to 136kg even, or 299.2 pounds -- so I am under the magic 300 line! Hooray!

Here are a couple of comparison photos for those of you with strong stomachs (WARNING: excess flesh approaching lol)

Despite Rumours To The Contrary...

2008-02-13T19:37:00.003+09:00

I AM NOT DEAD! Nor have I moved to Adelaide, lovely city though it is. I can't believe how long it's been since I last updated my blog - slack and busy, not that it's any excuse! Adelaide was brilliant, I had a ball catching up with my friend Hayley and basically spent too much money (secondhand books are so cheap there!!). Returned home three days later with twice as much luggage and a quarter as much money ha ha.

One thing I wasn't expecting, or hadn't thought through, was the challenge of eating while travelling. It's much harder to be organised and vigilant, making sure you have the right amounts of nutrients and so forth. I found that I ate out for every single meal except breakfast, and I usually have five meals a day. Cause you can't order small proper meals, only entree type things, I either had to choose between wasting half a good protein choice (eg: steak) or finishing a bread-based entree (eg: bruschetta). I definitely will have to be better organised the next time I am away from home. As a consequence, or maybe just as part of another plateau, my weight has stayed the same for the last two weeks. I started my new job last week, and adjusting to the new timetable and new premises has probably also hampered my eating. I take almost an hour to eat breakfast these days, and I have to catch the bus to the city at 6:45am, so I get up at 5:15. I used to get up that early, or around that time, and walk my dog -- now I get the same amount of walking from the train station to work, but I don't get the time with my dog. I am also finding it a challenge to get into a routine of going to the gym again.

I know I will get there, it's just a readjustment phase I think. To make matters more uncertain, it looks like we will have to move in the next month as our landlord intends to sell up. I really didn't need to start a new job, have major surgery and move house all within six months ha ha. But we're thinking it could be an incentive to find somewhere cheaper (everything you've heard about the cost of living in Perth is true - yikes), and I am angling for somewhere within walking distance to the gym.

Next Monday it will be sixteen weeks since my surgery. It really is becoming such a "normal" part of me now, and I hardly even think about it. I automatically put the right amount of food on my plate, and eat protein first, and never try and drink at the same time as eating. I never thought it would become second nature, but it does. That's one of the reasons I'm happy to have these plateaus or stalls... losing the weight too quickly and in huge chunks would make me freak out a bit I think. I need the time to adjust mentally to the weight loss as well as physically. I set myself a goal to be 120kg by the time I see Gorgeous Jon for my surgical review in May, which means I need to shed 16kg or so in 10 - 12 weeks, which is definitely within reach. That will mean I'll be 45kg lighter than the first time he saw me, 50kg lighter than when I began this amazing journey back in September.

Wow, I have missed everyone on the forums, and on the emails and blogs!!! I've decided to cut back on watching TV, and switch it off at 7.30pm every night so I can catch up on WLS-related stuff before I go to bed. I go to bed SO EARLY because I get up at 5am...it's light when I go to sleep and dark when I wake up - how weird is that??!! I better shut up now, but I promise to keep the updates coming now I am back on track!

Lost - Two Small Children!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-01-27T08:37:00.000+09:00

Yesterday I weighed in at an amazing 136.7kg, down from 170kg just 5 short months ago. That's a loss of 33.3kg, or 73 pounds. Yay!

We saw some friends yesterday for Australia Day, they have three fabulous kids aged 2,4 & 6. When I told them how much I've lost so far, they pointed out that the 2 year old boy and six year old girl weigh that much combined! So I have lost 2 small children!! I can't imagine walking around holding them all day... it really puts into perspective how much weight I've lost. No wonder I feel lighter lol.

All else is going great. Did a week of temp data entry while I'm waiting for my 6 month contract with Telstra to begin on Feb 4. I leave for a few days in Adelaide on Thursday - spending time with one of my bestest mates. Can't wait for the change of scene!! Hope all of you are doing well, talk soon (:

Moving In The Right Direction!

2008-01-19T09:10:00.000+09:00

Saturday rolls around again and it's time to get on the scales. Thankfully, the numbers moved in the right way this week, unlike last week when I gained 400g (almost a pound).

I am 139.4kg (305 pounds)
having lost 30.6kg (69 pounds) since Sept 1.

Hooray! I also did my measurements, as the scales have slowed down a little, and the measurements really show that I am still losing fat and gaining shape. Here they are:

AREA/DATE/MEASUREMENT----DATE/MEASUREMENT
Neck - Oct 4 / 39cm ------------------Jan 19 / 37cm (loss of 2cm)
Bust - Oct 4 / 145cm------------------Jan 19 / 131cm (loss of 14cm)
Waist - Oct 4 / 132cm ----------------Jan 19 / 119cm (loss of 13cm)
Hip - Oct 4 / 161cm ------------------ Jan 19 / 147cm (loss of 14cm)
Thigh - Oct 4 / 84cm -----------------Jan 19 / 78cm (loss of 3cm)
Calf - Oct 4 / 64cm -------------------Jan 19 / 61cm (loss of 3cm)

Overall, over these six sites, I've lost 59cm (23.2 inches for my American friends!).

I can see that I have areas to work on, obviously -- like the fact that I haven't been going to the gym regularly since I started temp work. In Feb I will start my six month contract with Telstra and should be able to get back into a proper routine with the buses, etc. I am still walking six or seven times a week with the dog, as well as the incidental exercise I do every day (not having a car can be useful sometimes lol). Also, I had white bread a couple of times this week and it is SOOO addictive, and made me feel crappy and hungry. I have started allowing myself diet soda on the weekends, as a "treat" I guess, which is also probably a reason I am not losing as quickly.

I am a work in progress! But the best word in that statement is PROGRESS. Hooray for the VSG!

Eating Out 101

2008-01-16T11:57:00.000+09:00

I am still getting the hang of "eating out". I think since my surgery I've only eaten out four, maybe five times - not including casual lunch type "on the run" eating out, I mean actual restaurant meals where they give you metal cutlery he he.

Last night my family went out to dinner to say farewell to my sister-in-law and her baby daughter who have been visiting over the holidays. I downloaded the menu from the internet so I could plan what to have, and contemplated ordering just an appetiser. SUCH a hard decision, cause in reality the appetisers are not proper nutrition, and tend to be based around bread - which is my enemy these days. Once at the restaurant, my family decided to order a few appetisers to share, which was fine - I had a piece of bruschetta the size of a 20c piece and a scallop. Foolishly, I decided I would order as my main meal something called the "Baby Rump Steak".

I took this photo AFTER I had eaten all that I could (you can see the tiny space at the bottom left hand of the plate). Oh my goodness. It was the most ridiculously huge thing I had ever seen. Delicious though! I even managed to eat three chips/fries and a bit of salad. I think the hardest thing was watching the waitress skirt around the table trying to decide to clear 6 empty plates while one (mine!) was seemingly untouched!! I put her out of her misery after a while and asked for the steak in a doggy bag. Scruff (my pupsicle) ate well last night lol. Not sure how she felt about pepper sauce!

I can understand why some WLS patients avoid eating out. It's kind of weird watching other people eat en masse. I take so long to chew each bite that invariably some of my time is spent looking at other people eating. People eat A LOT. I know, I was one of 'em once! There is also the dilemma of the money wasting angle -- good steak is expensive wherever you are in the world, and knowing that you'll only eat a tiny portion of it makes you think twice. Even though it's good nutrition (for me) and goes down well, I do feel wasteful giving 80% of prime beef to the dog.

I guess it's part of the learning curve. I think in a larger group it's more difficult / uncomfortable. When it's just DH and me, I just eat off his plate or order an appetiser only and there's no drama. But in a bigger group it's more obvious that I'm the odd one out.

How A Person Gains 60 Pounds In 12 Months

2008-01-12T17:13:00.000+09:00

Photo One - This is me in 1997, heart intact, fat but healthy and fit

Photo Two: Just over 12 months later I'm 60 pounds heavier and another 80 pounds is on its way...

By the way, I weighed in this morning. I gained weight!! I am now 140.2kg (308.4 pounds).

One Of The Many Things I'm Afraid Of...

2008-01-12T16:46:00.000+09:00

With reference to my previous blog, one of the most important things in my life this year has got to be finding out how and why I put on weight, and what has made me afraid to stay thin and healthy during those rare times when I've been successful at weight loss. Warning: this could be lengthy, feel free to check out and rejoin me later when the self-discovery/rambling is over lol.

One of the worst times in my adult life, which led to a period when I gained 40kg over 12 months, was in 1997. Of course it was about a failed love affair...isn't it always ha ha. I was crazy in love, as well as just plain old crazy (pre-Zoloft days!!), and was devastated when I found out the man I had come halfway round the world for was actually attached to someone else. Of course he had neglected to tell me that BEFORE I got on the plan. Anyway. I was in a strange country, alone, and couldn't get a ticket on to London (and family) for a few weeks, and so travelled blindly (literally, sometimes, due to the incessant crying) on Amtrak around the place and ended up in Baltimore. I LOVE Baltimore. As a digression, one of the first things I saw in Baltimore was a sign that read "Whosoever I shall leave or love, whomsoever shall love or leave me, this silent grey city holds me and I am soothed". Magic.

So, I arrived in the US in July 97 around 95kg (200 pounds) and by the time I left London to return to Australia in September I had gained 25kg (55 pounds). Most of the weeks I was in the UK I laid in bed at my parents' house eating, listening to melancholy music and wondering what the F**K had happened to my life. It was such a dark time I hardly ever think about it, or talk about it, and have certainly never decided to tell the whole world about it lol.

Lately I've been realising that one of the reasons I became extremely fat (as opposed to the generally overweight person I've always been) was to protect that person who arrived in the US with everything ahead of her and returned home two months later with nothing to show for 5 years worth of dreams. I sometimes feel like that person is stuck inside me, too afraid to show her face, and I have been shoving crap into my mouth in order to forget about her, and to block out how much it killed her/me to feel that sad. Since then, I have lived a life of safety and compromise, which is much more realistic, I know. I could never have continued being such a dreamer. I was 27, it was about time I grew up I suppose... But jeez it was hard.

I worry that moving towards that 97kg mark frightens me because of the remembered pain...

I worry that if I become that person again, this life I have now won't be enough to sustain me...

I don't know how all this will end up, that's the scariest part I guess.

One of my favourite songs from 1992 (the year I met The American) is a song I still play all the time. I heard the lyrics the other day and I connected even more than usual with part of it. It's Tori Amos "Silent All These Years" and the bit I love is this:

Cause what if I'm a mermaid In these jeans of his With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care Cause sometimes I said sometimes
I hear my voice And it's been here
Silent All These Years

I'm definitely starting to hear my voice again, and use it, and listen to it. If I can learn how to not be afraid I know I will conquer this weight problem once and for all. Wow, even the idea of it is overwhelming.

Do You Wanna Know A Secret?

2008-01-08T19:24:00.000+09:00

This week on one of my favourite message boards there has been some posting about "failure", ie: people who regain weight after weight loss surgery. http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/amos/a,messageboard/action,replies/board_id,4856/cat_id,4456/topic_id,3491605/

In defence of the vsg, they are mostly posts from people who had the RNY, which is a different procedure entirely. But it got me to thinking how determined I am to NOT fail at this. I knew going into the surgery that the sleeve was a tool only, not a solution, and I have been trying to work through my anxieties and fears through meditation, self-help techniques, etc. I honestly feel like my addiction to food is under control now in a way that it has never been, even though I know there will always be the "urge" to overeat, my mind is so conscious of the pain and the consequences of overeating that I avoid it at all costs!

Anyway. One of the things that I believe has been a stumbling block in my previous weight loss attempts is self-sabotage, fear of failure, etc. To return to the title of this post, my deep dark secret is this: THE CURSE OF THE 30 KG!!!! (Cue haunted house music, bats squawking, etc). I have been very successful three times at losing weight. In 1990 I did Weight Watchers and lost around 25kg. In 2001 I was on Xenical and lost around 28kg. In 2005 I was on Dr Phil's Weight Loss Challenge and lost around 32kg. See a pattern?? I have only managed to lose between 25 and 35kg before I fall off the wagon, into the ditch, break my will and smooth it over with chocolate. I am so scared of the 30kg curse... I won't relax again with my weight loss until I am well and truly past 35kg. Even though I KNOW that this time I physically can't regain that weight, it still freaks me out. I said to Gorgeous Jon (surgeon extraordinaire) at my first appointment that I have no trouble at all losing weight, I just suck at keeping it off!

This time is different though, for a whole stack of reasons. This surgery is revolutionary, to me, as it takes the "hard" part (limiting my food intake) out of my hands so I can concentrate my energy on the mental issues (and jeepers they are many lol). I need to work out why I am so terrified of being "thin". I think it's partly a reaction to being malnourished for two years while at boarding school. I'm not exaggerating! Years later there was an investigation into the budget of the school and although $4 a day was set aside for each student's food, in reality only $1.20 was spent. The rest went into the headmaster's daughter and her rotten pony club (well, that's my theory ha ha!). We lived on utter rubbish, mostly starchy carbs supplemented by junk food (starchy carbs) we bought from our pocket money. During that time I started leaving a healthy weight/BMI behind, and have left it in the dust.

Well, I won't bore you with all my weird revelations and anecdotes! Rest assured that this weight loss journey is at least 50% mental, and I'm workin' it. Hope y'all are too! Drop me a line and let me know how you're going fellow travellers xxx

Weigh In Once More

2008-01-05T10:24:00.000+09:00

Weighed in this morning at...

139.8kg
which is another kilo lost for good! Goodbye to the 140s, I won't EVER see you again!

My total weight loss since September 07 is 30.2kg. Since surgery, around 16 or 17kg I think?

All is well in the world of Lil and my T4. New favourite snack is popcorn (low fat), I think it has some fibre in it which is always good he he. I am still eating five small meals a day, which works better for me and my metabolism even though I know it's not recommended. I usually have:

Breakfast: poached egg on non-wheat sprouted bread with tsp butter
Morning Snack: slice of low fat ham or salami with a slice of low fat cheese
Lunch: homemade vegetarian wholegrain pizza (1 or 2 slices) with low fat fetta cheese
Afternoon Snack: cup of popcorn
Dinner: steak (palm size) and salad with low fat dressing, or tuna and salad, or roast lamb with vegies (except potato as I'm off white carbs now - hooray)

I have no idea, really, how much that is as far as calories or fat or fibre is concerned! It feels right for me at the moment, and if/when it stops working I will re-address it. I don't have to go back to see my surgeon Gorgeous Jon, or my dietician, until May. By then I am planning to have lost another 15kg AT LEAST. I am doing a nightly meditation/visualisation CD by Jon Gabriel (www.thegabrielmethod.com) who lost about 80kg, maybe more I don't remember exactly. It basically gets you to visualise your ideal body, and to switch your mind and body into fat loss mode, because if your mind and soul aren't prepared to be thin, are afraid of losing the fat, then any success will always be short-lived. It makes a lot of sense to me. I've always been apprehensive about being truly fit and healthy, so I'm working on all those obstacles as well as the physical challenge!

Catch you guys soon xxx

The New Year Of No Resolutions

2008-01-01T14:23:00.001+09:00

I've been watching some TV today, being New Year's Day and all I'm feeling slack. And I couldn't get over how many weight loss and exercise machine ads there were on TV!! At least two or three per ad break -- Tony Ferguson, Kate Morgan, Jenny Craig, all those ab-thingummys. My mum pointed out that people will have made the new year's resolution to lose weight and get fit, so the ads are all targeting that market! How sad and annoying. Because as we all know, those are not long-term solutions.

I am so happy that 2008 is my year of NO RESOLUTIONS. I don't need to wish or hope for weight loss, because I'm well on my way. Probably should make a resolution to get a darn job he he. I have another temp contract starting on Monday, for two weeks, so that will tide us over. I'm fairly sure one of the interviews I have this week will produce something permanent. In the meantime, more time in the day for walking! I got a new IPOD for Christmas, which holds 1000 songs, and have been having a ball listening as I walk. Motivational and fast-moving music really makes a difference for me. I always listen to the Madonna song "Die Another Day" -- it has such a good beat and the words make me feel like I can conquer anything. Loving life!!!!!!

What A Difference Four Months Makes...

2007-12-31T12:24:00.001+09:00

One of my favourite people in the world is Dr Phil, and I always remember him saying (about a number of things, particularly weight loss), that time will pass, whether we like it or not, and it's entirely up to us what we DO with that time. In other words, December 2007 was gonna get here regardless of what I chose to do in Sept, Oct, and Nov -- and the fact that I decided to have weight loss surgery, and follow a healthy post-op lifestyle, has meant that the time has passed in a positive way! I've lost 30 kilos, instead of staying the same weight, or (worse) gaining even more weight.

I had a terrific time at the beach yesterday with DH and our doggie Scruff, and I wore my new bathing suit my mom bought me for Christmas (which already needs the straps altered cause it's too big!). Also, as you can see in the photo above, I can now tie a sarong around my waist - shock, horror.

If anyone is reading this, wondering whether their new year's resolution should be to look into weight loss surgery, please just go for it. It's by far the most amazing thing I've ever done, and it comes with such a wonderful relaxed feeling of inevitability!! Even if I WANTED to be the same person I was 6 months ago, it's impossible - my T4 sleeve ensures that I will lose weight. Exactly how much is lost is up to me, I think, how hard I work at making good food choices and exercising. I truly believe now that I will get a lot lower than 100kg, aiming for a nice even 80. Roll on 2008, it's a great time to be alive!!!

Happy New Year y'all xxxx

Short-n-Sweet -- Tale of A Weigh In

2007-12-29T10:53:00.000+09:00

It's just a brief message today folks

This morning my scales showed 140.8kg -- an INCREDIBLE loss of 2 kilos over Christmas!!??

Can hardly believe it, got on and off the scales a few times to make sure the batteries hadn't melted in the 45 degree day we had on Boxing Day.

My grand total of weight lost so far (since beginning of Sept 07) is 29.2kg -- I'm almost a third of the way to 80kg, my ultimate goal. Yay, yay, yay. Best present of 2007 - my VSG (vertical sleeve gastrectomy).

Christmas Greetings

2007-12-27T16:21:00.000+09:00

Thank god that's over. I'm soooo not a Christmas person lol. I'm lazy, antisocial and addicted to food - none of these things make Christmas a happy time of year!!! Even with the food addiction, though, this Christmas was a great one in regards to food. It was so easy with the sleeve, even if I wanted to pig out (which I didn't! weird) I physically couldn't, so I ended up having tiny bits of pretty much everything and felt completely satisfied. Didn't even attempt Christmas cake or Christmas pudding, as I've heard they are horrifying if they get 'stuck'. I found them a bit too rich even before I had the sleeve. The attention/focus on my surgery wasn't too bad, luckily the new baby in the family took most of the attention, which I was thrilled about! At one stage during Christmas lunch I forgot myself and took a drink of soft drink while eating (force of habit), so I got a bit heartburny and my DH freaked a bit and asked me if I was all right...but mostly I kept under the radar. Phew. One more successful outing for the T4 (teeny, tiny tummy tube).

My Stats For the Four Day Vacation:
Number of bottles of water - 15
Cans of Coke Zero - 4 (welcome back old friend!!)
Pieces of bread - nil
Ham & Cheese croissant - half
Swims in the pool - one
Presents - too many to count!
Chocolates - 20...ish
Frosty Fruit icypoles - 5
Kilometres driven - 650
Alcohol - nil
Puke - one (not a bad result for my first sleeved Christmas, was only a minor "foamies" incident)

Hopefully I have maintained my weight this week - I would be thrilled with a loss, but given the different surroundings and the lack of exercise, I will be satisfied if I'm still 142.

Weigh In, and an NSV

2007-12-22T11:54:00.000+09:00

Official weight this morning is 142.8kg, meaning this week I am another 1.3kg lighter - whoopee!! 27.2kg gone forever! I love my sleeve! Even an idiot can lose weight this way, lol. I've been walking every day, taking my dog a little further now each morning, but haven't made it to the gym. I really haven't pushed myself too hard with exercise, figure I will need to go harder towards the end (the last 20 or so kilos) and I can ramp it up then.

I went shopping for a pair of jeans on Thursday and ended up in Rockmans -- saw a heavily discounted pair of 3/4 denims with a turn-up cuff thingo, which I loved, but was bummed to see they didn't have anything smaller than a size 22. Thought I needed a 24, maybe still 26 (I was a 28 when I began this journey). Anyway, decided to buy them as they were reduced to $10 down from $60 and I would save them for a while til I fitted into them... you can see where this is going, right?? rflmao

Decided when I got home I would try them on to see how far I had to go before they fitted, and they fitted me! Four sizes smaller than my previous size! Wow. Mind-blowing moment. They are a little tight, but nothing dramatic, and they look ace. I love them!! I really don't want to buy too many clothes for my "in-between" sizes, but I guess I can always pass them along to someone else. I caught up with my best friend yesterday, who has recently lost 35kg the old-fashioned way (walking, dieting), and she was almost speechless to see me. We haven't seen each other since I got out of hospital -- it is so wonderful to see people's expressions of pride and joy when they see how well I am doing with the sleeve. Sometimes, as we all know, it's hard to see the accomplishments ourselves...

Hope everyone is doing great on their journey, if I don't see y'all before hand, merry Christmas!! Eat well, be peaceful and hope all our dreams come true in '08.

Love, Lil xxxx

This Time Next Year...

2007-12-19T20:29:00.000+09:00

I will be in New York City with my other half, gearing up for a proper "White Christmas"! We plan to leave on December 14, the day after my nanna's 90th birthday, and will be away for 6-8 weeks, depending on how much time we can get off work, etc. Planning to spend New Year's Eve in the Caribbean (St Maarten), then on to Europe to see friends and family and hoping to fit in a cruise from Greece to Egypt! Phew. Will need a vacation to recover from all that lol.

I know I will be at my first goal, 99kg, and probably even lighter than that. My new goal is to be 80kg, which at 5 ft 10 will make me just fractionally "overweight". I feel 100% sure now that I will get there, sitting pretty in a size 16 baby. Jeez, when I was last a size 16 (aged 16 ha ha) I thought I was THE FATTEST, UGLIEST HEIFER in the herd... and certainly adults and kids alike told me I was fat, regularly. My BMI was 21.4 for crying out loud. Makes me so mad.

Like Dr Phil says, there is no "reality", only our perception. Put me in a size 16 these days and I will feel like Beyonce, Nigella and Pink all rolled into one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

News From The Job Front

2007-12-18T11:00:00.000+09:00

Yesterday I had two more interviews/registrations with temp agencies, which went well until they tried to force me into reception jobs (which I have been there, done/hate that) or jobs which required more than an hour travel each way (ditto). Why is it so hard to find a nice quiet filing or typing job lol. I have one day's work tomorrow doing data entry, but I think this is the wrong time of year to find temp contract work. Darn it, another instance of my husband being right...hate that ha ha!! I am not too stressed about it, payout from my last job covers up to this week, and even if nothing comes up til the new year, we'll manage. I prefer to hold out for the right job, or at least something that sounds interesting. I really do NOT want another job where I have to answer phones, I hate talking 0n the phone, even to me friends...don't know why. I'm just weird, ok.

Food wise, everything is going along nicely. Except we ordered takeaway Chinese last night and it didn't agree with me (2nd time that has happened). I think it might be rice, as well as chicken. I am ok with Basmati rice, but the sticky Chinese style doesn't suit my T4. I'm much happier since I gave up bread, not craving white carbs at all now - we even had roast on the weekend and I didn't have a single potato!! Wow. I am also trying to stick to one can of Coke Zero a week, now that I've discovered I can drink it again I was worried I would re-establish the addiction. But I seem okay with just an occasional can, and it takes me a couple of hours to finish it. My advice for the fizzy drinks is to let it sit for a while, have it with ice, and drink it through a straw -- all those things help me enjoy it without burping excessively!

I can't believe it's a week til Christmas. I realised this morning that not only will I not have my usual food addiction to help me through the stressful festive season, but I will be away from my computer for three/four days!!! How will I cope without all the bandit and sleever support?? Might have to commandeer my MIL's computer for a while at least once or twice, just to check in with everyone!

'nother day, 'nother weigh

2007-12-15T08:00:00.000+09:00

Great news this morning - I have lost 1.5kg this week! Giving me a total weight loss of 25.9kg. I currently weigh

Definitely think that giving up bread has been a massive help. Apart from anything else, having bread (esp white bread) made me hungrier for more bread. Glad to have that behind me.

The Happpiest Time of the Year

2007-12-14T08:49:00.000+09:00

I must admit to being a bit of a grinch. I find that the whole happy family get-together at Christmas concept was always far beyond the reach of my semi-dysfunctional mob, and inevitably someone (ie: me) would end up depressed, insulted and left out lol. The last three Christmases I worked at Myer, harbinger of retail festive obsession, and being there did actually make me feel more "festive". I found buying gifts easy - having access to specials, browsing opportunities after (and sometimes during he he) shifts, and the whole Christmas carol, decoration overload actually got me in holiday mood.

This year, having experienced a separation from retail as well as a gastric sleeve, I'm finding the leadup to Christmas is bloody hard going. One of the things I have always loved about Christmas is the food... and of course this year things are going to be completely different. My family have started planning what food items we are taking down south (going to in-laws place in SW of WA for three days), and even though I will be able to eat small amounts of most things, it's just WEIRD to think of Christmas as being a time of restriction.

Christmas was the one time when my eating habits (bingeing, sugar overload, etc) were normal, and the same as everyone else's!!!

Now, once again, I'll be the odd one out! Apart from my darling husband, his family are all thin and have no concept of morbid obesity. Everyone there knows about the surgery, thankfully, so at least I won't be hassled about why I'm suddenly 25 kilos lighter (and my plate is 5 kg lighter lol). But I'm worried about the emotional stress, given that I won't be able to medicate myself with food. Most people drink to "escape" but I hate alcohol, always have. Food has always been my drug of choice, and though I will not starve at Christmas I certainly won't be "doped up" with carb endorphins. Yikes.

Meanwhile, I am also UNEMPLOYED - not exactly the best way to celebrate the end of 2007. I know, I know, something will come up and I have turned down a couple of things as they were not right for me... but really, I am so tired of always explaining myself. Hopefully next Christmas I will - for the first time ever - fit into the "normal" range for weight, lifestyle, etc. Nah. That sounds like it'd be bloody boring, but I WOULD settle for "normal" BMI. My plan is to be at 80kg, which will give me a BMI of 26, just a snifter over "normal". I'll take that, put it on my list Santa!!

What A Start To The Week

2007-12-12T15:29:00.000+09:00

Started my new job on Monday. Finished my new job on Monday!!!!!! Could not stand to go back for Day 2, as the people in my proposed workplace were total biatches and refused to train me, speak to me, acknowledge me... one or two people were nice but the majority are MISERABLE there, and it showed. Nup. Lemme outa here!

So I am on the job hunt again, have a promising interview tomorrow morning for a temp clerical role, with a view to permanent. It's at a hospital, and I LOVE hospitals - yay!

Met up with some fellow Gorgeous Jon patients last night, which was brilliant! They are doing so well, and it's terrific to get insight and encouragement from "fellow travellers". It's the first time I have met WLS people socially, and oh how wonderful to not be (or feel) the odd one out!

My new life without bread is terrific, I definitely feel less hungry without those empty carbs and I feel confident my weigh-in this weekend will reflect the extra effort. The spelt "bread" is actually really nice, I have it toasted with light philly, and I have corn thins sometimes which are also yummy. All in all, the journey is going great! Hope everyone else is the same!

My Virtual Model

2007-12-09T18:52:00.001+09:00

I love the virtual model website. I've used it before, in previous weight loss attempts, and thought I would create a BEFORE and AFTER to display here, as inspiration! I can't wait until the end of next year when I can wear a "normal" pair of jeans! Wow.

To make your own virtual model, go to www.mvm.com

Weekly Weigh In

2007-12-09T14:32:00.000+09:00

I weighed in this morning at 145.4kg, which is 1.1kg lost since last week. Not brilliant, but I think I am still moving off the plateau I've been on for a month or so. Need to step it up a bit next week...I start my new job tomorrow, which will be great, and I'll have to develop a bit of a new routine. The buses are changing in my suburb just before Christmas, thanks to the new Perth - Mandurah train service *finally* starting up, and not only has the bus from outside my house been cancelled, but the one to the gym is also changing. I need to get my nerve up to get my driver's licence!! But no excuses, have to get to the gym at least three times a week, even if I have to take 2 buses or arrange a lift.

I am completely off bread again, have bought unsprouted Spelt bread and have a piece of that toasted with Light Philly. It's wheat and gluten free, and will hopefully help me kick my addiction to bread. I also bought some corn thins, as a lot of bandits seem to swear by them as a snack item or breakfast.

Lots to do, wrapping Christmas presents and getting my wardrobe organised for my new semi-corporate job! Hope everyone had a great weekend, chat soon!!

Help For The Mental

2007-12-06T08:58:00.000+09:00

I found a terrific blog on blogspot the other day, which has (deservingly) won Inspirational Blogger award. It's called Attitude Of Gratitude http://sippiambrose.blogspot.com/ and although I am not a member of AA, and in fact don't drink at all, I can WHOLEHEARTEDLY relate to a lot of the principles in the 12 Steps. I've often considered joining Overeaters Anonymous, may yet decide to do that...even though I can't physically overeat now I've had surgery, the fact is that I still have the same ole addictive personality and a lot of the same thoughts and feelings towards food are still with me.

Anyway. The blog is awesome, really interesting and inspiring, and it's made me determined to show more of my own Attitude of Gratitude. I've just finished reading a brilliant book, too, which also talks about being grateful as a powerful tool for change. It's called "Total Transformation Weightloss" and Jon Abrams, the guy who wrote it, lost 100kg without "dieting", just by changing his mental state through visualisation, etc. He claims, and I believe him, that if your body wants to be fat, for whatever reason (fear, protection, etc), it will prevent you from losing weight, no matter how much you exercise or diet. Ultimately, the mind has to change in order for true physical change to occur. I think this is particularly the case with what he calls "emotional obesity"... until your mind and body feels safe and comfortable being thin, it will resist weight loss at all costs (certainly the last 10-20kg of weight anyway, which is often the hardest). Jon lost his last 20kg FASTER than the rest of his weight, because by then he had reprogrammed his body to want to be thin.

It's really interesting stuff. I'm definitely going to work on the visualisation, which only takes a few minutes each day and will no doubt help me get to my goals.

Myself, I am grateful for:

my fabulous new job, which starts on Monday
wonderful friends and family
the gorgeous squally weather we had yesterday
Frosty Fruit icypoles
the gorgeous Jon and his surgical ability

Two Great Photos From My New Life

2007-12-02T17:05:00.000+09:00

Every morning and evening I get to crush up the little goodies that keep me healthy! As you can see above, there are a few different things I take: Multivitamins, Antioxidants, Omega 3, Selenium and Calcium/Magnesium (as well as my usual medication for depression and urticaria/hives). Obviously I don't crush the Omega 3 caps, as they are gel! And the Plaquenil is enteric coated for slow release so that can't be crushed either. They seem to go down ok, and the others get mixed into apple puree for easy digestion (:

The brand I use is called USANA (www.usana.com), they are from the US and are one of the only nutritionals that are manufactured up to pharmaceutical grade. More expensive than the ordinary ones, but they are a lot more effective.

My other favourite photo lately is below - it's a little gift I received from my dietician at Mercy after my post-op checkup! A tiny little bowl, chopsticks (to slow my eating down lol), a magnet with the Gastric Sleeve Golden Rules, a gym pass and a sachet of Fibergel. How gorgeous it that?! I was thrilled to get such a lovely gift, so thoughtful. Had to include a picture of it in my blog of the journey.

Weights And Measures

2007-12-01T15:17:00.000+09:00

Saturday is here again, AND it's the first weigh-in for the month which means measurements and a new photo woo hoo! I will take the photo later, but here are my current stats:

WEIGHT: 146.5kg
Total loss since 1st Sept: 23.5kg (BMI down from 55.5 to 47.7)

I'm thrilled, especially after having a short plateau. Also, my measurements reflect even more the changes in my body. I had to check my hip measurement twice to make sure it was correct ha ha! Going back to the gym has helped my measurements I think. I feel inspired to keep going and to up the ante with my workouts.

AREA/DATE/MEASUREMENT----DATE/MEASUREMENT
Neck - Oct 4 / 39cm ----Dec 1 / 37cm (loss of 2cm)
Bust - Oct 4 / 145cm----Dec 1 / 139cm (loss of 6cm)
Waist - Oct 4 / 132cm ----Dec 1 / 128cm (loss of 4cm)
Hip - Oct 4 / 161cm ---- Dec 1 / 152cm (loss of 9cm)
Thigh - Oct 4 / 84cm ---Dec 1 / 81cm (loss of 3cm)
Calf - Oct 4 / 64cm -----Dec 1 / 61cm (loss of 3cm)

I am excited and motivated now, which helps! It sucked to see the scales sitting there around 147, now they are on the way down - yippee!

News On The Job Front

2007-11-30T11:25:00.000+09:00

I resigned a couple of weeks ago, after feeling unhappy and dissatisfied for a number of months. I wanted to leave a while back, but decided it was better to stay through my operation and recovery, as I had already arranged leave, etc - I initially thought I would start looking in the new year, but just couldn't wait that long. I am SO impatient.

Anyway, the economic situation in WA, and the fact that every man and his dog is working in the mining industry, means that it's a candidate's market - I've literally been inundated with job prospects, which is weird! I'm not used to being able to pick and choose... To cut a long story short, I accepted a job today at a law firm in the CBD, doing secretarial/project/database work. FINALLY am moving away from customer service roles, which I've done for 20 years and am heartily sick of!! No more phone calls, making coffee and delivering the mail! Yippee! It's also a bit more money, which is always good. One of the funny things is the company has a monthly get-together with pizza -- in the old (pre-T4) days that would have been the most exciting news ever lol. I will still enjoy my pizza, but probably only one or two pieces instead of one or two whole pizzas!!

This year has been one of huge change and a lot of challenges, but I know that it's all leading to my new, fulfilling life, a life where I am not always hungry and tired and empty. It's been such a long time since I felt this positive about the future, and since I wanted to find a niche for myself in the employment world. For years I thought I wouldn't be able to return to full-time work, suffering from fibromyalgia and depression and god knows what else. But gradually I've made it through that tunnel and am strong enough to give a proper full-time job a try. Wow. It's amazing how good that feels and sounds! Small victories, my friends, that's what it's about.

One Month Review

2007-11-29T08:44:00.000+09:00

Thought as it was a month since my operation I would jot down some things I've discovered about myself and my T4 (teeny tiny tummy tube). It's been a mad rollercoaster ride over the last four weeks, with some extreme highs and lows, but usually my life is like that anyway so nothing has changed lol. Sometimes I think "What the hell have I done, take it away" but most of the time I am rational and can see that this procedure is the ONLY WAY I can reduce my eating and lose weight - and therefore have the chance for a long and healthy future. I'm a work in progress for sure...but the key word there is PROGRESS, which is something I haven't felt or seen in my life for a long time. I feel like there is a light at the end of this long dark tunnel of food addiction and obesity.

Some of the key points for November include:

Things I have thrown up: hot chips, watermelon juice, orange juice, crispy chicken wrap (McDonalds, what was I thinking??)
Things I can usually eat easily (tho with the T4 nothing is certain lol): toast, bread, cheese, salad (except carrot, haven't tried that yet), beans, tuna, mince of any kind, most cooked vegies, banana, eggs
Things I simply can't tolerate: fizzy drinks (waaaaaaaaaaaaah, jeepers I miss Coke Zero). Tried lemonade, fanta, lift - Can't even drink them when they've gone flat, they kind of "stick" in my chest, even though they are liquid, which is weird...The only thing that is semi-tolerable is Solo, which according to my husband (who watches way too much TV ha ha) "is light on the fizz so it goes down fast"!!!!!!!!
Danger foods (easy and naughty): iced coffee, choc milk, full-fat dairy (esp ice cream and cheese), white bread
Lessons I'm learning: EAT SLOWER!! I am eating at about a quarter of my pace prior to surgery and it's still way too fast! I am suffering indigestion because I don't concentrate on slowing down and chewing mega-slowly. I'm talking one mouthful per minute, max - that's all I can hack!
What I miss most (apart from Coke Zero - waaaaaaaah): Taking a big bite or mouthful of something, ANYTHING!! And also skulling a huge mouthful of water or juice or ANYTHING!! The sipping is driving me nuts ha ha! Esp when it gets hot and I let myself get thirsty...

I'm sure I will think of a million more things to share with everybody, will post this on the Yahoo message boards too so everyone knows what I'm up to. I took a sneak-peek at the scales this morning (my weigh-in is due Saturday) and it looks like I might be shifting a kilo or two this week, so maybe my plateau is over??!!

I live in hope! Love and luck to all,

Lil xxxxx

101 Uses For A Stomach

2007-11-27T10:12:00.000+09:00

Someone else asked me yesterday - "What do they do with the part of your stomach that they cut out??"

That's such a weird thing to ask. It's the most common question I get!! I really wanted my surgeon Gorgeous Jon to give me my extra stomach part in a jar of formaldehyde, so I could keep it as a souvenir the way people keep dead animals (gross, who me?!). But what do people expect me to say...there really isn't much you can do with 90% of a stomach, not once it's been cut out and dragged through a tiny port.

My New Plan

2007-11-25T17:16:00.000+09:00

I really took a serious look at what I've been eating, and it's just been a bit on the dodgy side. My husband, bless his soul, took his life into his hands by commenting that I had cheese for breakfast, lunch and dinner yesterday and that maybe that was A BIT too much full-fat dairy for one day lol. I took it well, cause he was 100% right. I wanted to have this operation and lose weight so that I never had to be a slave to artificial sweeteners and low-fat-crap, which is all well and good, but in reality I am still 70 kilos overweight!! HELLO!? What made me think I could have masses of full-fat cheese? One of the things that goes down well for me at the moment is pizza, homemade with pitta bread - hubby thinks that the "goes down well for me" thing is all in my head, as coincidentally all the things that go down well are things I like...yes, he is dicing with death lol.

Another conversation:
Me: "It's not fair, I decided to have the sleeve instead of the band so I could have things like bread"
Him: "I do not remember reading or hearing that the sleeve would let you eat bread five times a day, just three weeks after surgery"
Me:"Aaaaaargh."

As I was saying! I have had pizza a couple of times, made with a small pitta with mushrooms, capsicum, tomato, onion, olives - all of which is fine, until you factor in the fetta cheese AND the cheddar. Doh. No wonder I am a resident of Plateau City, population one. When I was on Dr Phil's Weight Loss Challenge (and lost 30+ kg) I had pizza all the time, but only had a few spoonfuls of low fat ricotta on it, which I'm intending to start doing again. I am so much in love with cheese it's pathetic. I must have been a mouse in a former life. Or maybe mould, cause I like all them stinky cheeses too.

Anyway. I need to reign in my eating. The T4 is not a foolproof system, but it's gonna work for this fool, let me tell ya. I need to eat less bread, esp. white bread, and I need to stop eating full-fat dairy (esp cheese). I'm planning to start having salad again, maybe avoid raw carrot and other sharp and crunchy things ha ha! This is a new chapter in my journey, and I KNOW I can get there. I'm checking out of the Cheese Addict Motel and heading down the Vegie Highway towards Skinnyville.

Ciao!

Plateau

2007-11-24T13:09:00.000+09:00

Am still located firmly on a plateau - today's weigh in has me at 147.8kg, which is barely a kilo lost in the last two weeks. I know that plateaus are normal, and in fact are a GOOD SIGN because it shows my body is readjusting to my new weight and lifestyle. But man, they are frustrating! I started back at the gym this week, which I think will help, and other than that am just continuing to get my fluids in, and try to choose healthy options for eating.

Chocolate is something I've had a couple of times in the last week or two - only small amounts, but it's not a good choice. It just goes down so well...no pain, doesn't stick...and then there's that positive endorphin effect! Even though the amount of chocolate I have these days is miniscule compared to the entire family block I regularly ate before, I'm still annoyed with myself.

Still suffering from tiredness, which my GP says is normal after surgery, and I constantly have to remind myself that it's not even a month since I had the operation. I am so impatient. Driving myself crazy ha ha. I think that it was easier to deal with the sleeve while I was losing weight - now I'm just over it, but of course there's nothing I can do about it, even if I wanted to! That's the perfect thing about the VSG, unlike any diet there's no "breaking" it or falling off the wagon. Man, it messes with my head sometimes!! But I am doing well, feeling lighter and fitter even though I'm tired and cranky.

If the plateau lasts more than another week or so I'm going back to the dietician at Mercy to show her what I'm eating, see if she has any advice. Most days I have Up & Go or boiled egg and a piece of toast for breakfast; then a small bowl of pasta or a tuna sandwich or ham & cheese rollups for lunch; then dinner is a small version of what the family has (quiche, pasta, lebanese bread pizza). I try to have pureed fruit or a banana or melon as well during the day. Actually, looking at that list it does seem like there are too many carbs in it. It sucks to not be able to have proper salad yet, and barbecued meat - I think I'll be ready for that next month.

In other news, I quit my job last week and am due to finish up there on 21 Dec. Have already had a couple of interviews, there are SO MANY jobs in WA at the moment cause everyone has gone to work in the mining industry! I am hoping to find something more interesting, and closer to home.

Things I Didn't Know...

2007-11-19T08:26:00.001+09:00

Let's face it, I could write an entire blog about Things I Don't Know lol. But lately I've been struggling with things I didn't know, or didn't fully realise, about the gastric sleeve until I went out and got myself one! Last week was a bit of a struggle, what with returning to work and all, and I discovered something MAJOR about the T4 (my sleeved tummy). If I eat til I'm full, I just need to wait 20-30 mins and then I can eat THE SAME AMOUNT AGAIN. Maybe this was obvious to everyone, but really, I had NO IDEA. I assumed that I would stay full until the next "meal time". Man, I shoulda paid more attention in high school human biology. I discovered this quite by accident last week, when we had catered sandwiches brought into work for a training session. I LOVE our caterers - they make the best gourmet sandwiches - and before the T4 I would polish off at least four or five rounds. This time, I ate my own lunch and thought "no worries" but when I went to clear the tables in the training session there were a few sandwiches left and I started to "feel" hungry - managed to eat two half sandwiches, only about 45 mins after eating my own lunch!!!! It was downhill from there, I ate cheese and crackers in the afternoon, then dinner, then icecream before bed. Was SO disgusted with myself, and completely depressed about the fact that I have found a way to binge eat after having this surgery. I truly believed those days were over, that I wouldn't be able to fit so much food into my stomach.

OF COURSE, I realise that the gastric sleeve is only a weight loss tool, not the entire solution. But really, I hoped that willpower was a thing of the past (cause I patently DON'T HAVE ANY).

Now I am trying really really hard to stick to 3 meals a day, with a light and healthy morning and afternoon snack if I can't manage without one. Jeez, it is HARD, now I know that I can leave the rest of my meal for half an hour and then come back and finish it. Especially when it's something nice. If I over eat, I end up feeling bloated and pathetic, just like I did before the T4, except it's worse now because I also feel guilty for how much money the surgery cost, and upset that I am punishing my stomach (which has already been through so much).

Definitely need psychiatric help lol. I've been feeling like my depression medication isn't working very well, too - maybe my metabolism and hormone levels are changing or something?! I'm not suicidal or anything, truly, but I am so damn impatient, I have to remember that I only had the surgery THREE WEEKS AGO and that OF COURSE this is a long-term process and a massive lifestyle adjustment.

To add insult to injury ha ha, I weighed in on Saturday and hadn't lost a gram!!!! If that doesn't serve me right lol.

The main points I am taking away from last week are as follows:

Stick to a meal plan, and immediately throw away any leftovers when I am full (the 1st time ha ha)
Eat only at the table, not in front of TV
I may take a while to get back to full strength, and won't pressure myself to go back to the gym or exercise if I am exhausted
White bread is the debbil
I didn't get to 170kg in a matter of weeks or months, so I won't get down from there quickly.
The 20-something kilos I've lost are never coming back

Hope everyone's journey is going smoothly - rest assured I am back on track, and determined to have a better and brighter week.

Tired But Surviving

2007-11-14T12:44:00.000+09:00

Day Three back at work and so far everything is cool. Last night we had a work function and I had a glass of lemon squash and two canapes which went down perfectly (and tasted great!), also managed to dance and take photos for my work newsletter and generally socialise more than I have done in the past. A few people commented on the weight I've lost, since they last saw me in August it's almost 25 kilos and there were a lot of compliments - always nice ha ha! I just feel more confident and energetic, even though I get tired quite easily by the end of the afternoon. The bus trips have been fine too, no problems at all, and sitting at my desk for most of the day isn't uncomfortable either.

Most of my recovery is emotional and mental, still. My body healed quickly but I still struggle with taking tiny bites, chewing super-slowly, not drinking during meals, and not being able to reach for food when I am bored, stressed, emotional, hormonal...

But I will get there - I AM getting there.

Back To The Real World...

2007-11-11T20:57:00.001+09:00

Tomorrow I have to go back to work. I'm dreading it for so many reasons, most of them stupid... I take two buses each way, 3 hours travel time in total, and I'm not sure how my body will cope with the sitting down, squashed in position. My family are organising lifts to and from work tomorrow, which is awesome, but ultimately I need to regain my independence. I also worry about being away from home if I feel sick, or want to sleep, or need to lie down - which has happened only rarely in the fortnight I've been on sick leave. But it's not the most professional thing to do in the office lol. Maybe I can take a nap in the stationery cupboard! I've been stressing out about all the work that has piled up while I've been away, and what I will take for lunch (from my limited menu), and what should I wear that is comfortable but still shows that I have lost 8kg since they last saw me ha ha!

I know, I'm losing the plot!! I wish I was back in hospital - truly, I love hospital, always have, since I was small and had a few lengthy stays in hospital. I feel safe there, as if I'll be okay if anything happens cause there are professionals on site 24/7! And while there I didn't feel like a freak show curiosity, which is kind of how I feel sometimes out here in the world. I feel like everyone is ALWAYS WATCHING ME (paranoid much ha ha), and every time I burp or hiccup or frown someone says "Are you all right??!!" Then there's the way people freak out at the miniscule bowl I eat from, with my tiny teaspoon, and how I pause for 1 or 2 minutes between mouthfuls... A couple of times I've got the distinct impression that people think I am doing it for effect!! As if I am playacting only being able to eat half a cup of food at a time!

To me, this process can be incredibly solitary and isolating - thank heaven for the other sleevers and bandits on the internet who are going through the same stuff as I am, which reassures me I am not crazy. Well...no more crazy than I was BEFORE the sleeve ha ha!

Weigh In, Rewards & Challenges

2007-11-10T08:44:00.000+09:00

This morning my official weigh in puts me at 148.9kg, meaning that I am 6.1kg lighter than the day of my surgery and 21.1kg lighter than the day I decided to have weight loss surgery (and started on Optifast). I'm stoked with the results, especially after watching the Biggest Loser last night and realising that even those people are working their asses off, statistically they have little chance of keeping the weight off. I felt sad for them, and relieved that I was rejected by the Australian producers - I decided in August that I would either be on the Biggest Loser or have weight loss surgery, and you all know how that turned out (: Turns out to be the happiest rejection of my life!! I don't have to cry and sweat on national television, I don't need to spend 8 hours a day in the gym, and I am guaranteed to permanently change my eating habits. Woo hoo! Even if I get cranky, or hormonal, or bored with the process of losing weight, I can NEVER go off this "diet" because it really is a lifestyle change. I am thinking of renaming my lap sleeve surgery WEIGHT LOSS FOR DUMMIES lol.

On a more serious note, I have set some rewards and challenges for each milestone I reach. Thought I may as well record them here. These are the rewards for each major loss:

20kg loss -- buy a new blender (DONE last week - yippee!)
30kg loss -- family trip to Rottnest Island
40kg loss -- buy new running shoes in Jan/Feb sales
50kg loss -- Easter 2008 trip to Exmouth
60kg loss -- Buy a bicycle
70kg loss -- November 2008 trip around the world
Anything extra to get me under 100kg is a bonus, I want to get a scooter but hubby says too dangerous!

Then I have set myself some challenges for once I reach each milestone:

20kg loss - practise bending over and pedicure my toenails lol
30kg loss - ride a bike on our trip to Rottnest
40kg loss - start jogging/shuffling during my walks
50kg loss - swim/dive with whale sharks and manta rays at Exmouth
60kg loss - join a dance class
70kg loss - sit in my economy class plane seat and be relatively comfortable, without a seatbelt extender!

My Latest Meal

2007-11-09T13:19:00.000+09:00

I have had two food victories over the last 24 hours - hooray! Thursday is traditionally my family's takeaway night, and over the last 2 months I've just missed out, having Optifast etc. This time, I thought I'd give it a go and ordered a small popcorn chicken from KFC and a potato and gravy. Blended the chicken up and stirred in the potato - yum! It went down beautifully, and more importantly stayed down lol!! I only ate about 1/4 of the small box of chicken, but I felt like I wasn't missing out.

Then for lunch I thought I would try pasta, which I have been missing over the last two and a half months...boiled up about 20 beef ravioli and then stirred in some pasta sauce and grated some parmesan over it. Awesome. So so yummy, and had not trouble eating it. Hooray! I am feeling like I'm returning to a kind of normality with my eating after being "out-of-the-loop" for so long. I think that doing 8 weeks Optifast before the procedure was over-ambitious, even though it kick started my weightloss and made sure my liver was less fatty for the operation. It also meant the liquid phase wasn't so terrible, as I was used to shakes, etc. But really, 10 weeks without an ordinary meal, and without chewing anything except salad, is TOO LONG. My surgeon told me it would be ha ha! Hate it when they are right lol.

Grief, Part Two

2007-11-07T19:27:00.001+09:00

In a previous post I touched on the feeling of loss and grief I have as my new life unfolds - a life without the old faithful friend food/binge eating. Yesterday has really been an important lesson for me, not only about taking it easy with introducing foods to the T4.

For many years I have had a tradition of going solo to the movies, then buying a magazine and pigging out at the local foodhall. I never really noticed this tradition until today, when I analysed the circumstances leading up to my horrifying public puke... Even when I was a poor student I would go into town on Austudy payday and have nachos, or McDonalds (or both...cringe) and happily read my gossip mag. I can't do that anymore, not in the same unthinking way. I've come to realise that nothing will be so unplanned and unconscious in my life, not for a long time, maybe never. And that's okay.

I really got teary today thinking about this massive part of my life, sad though it sounds, being gone forever. I know, I know, I can do the movie and the shops and even catch a tiny bite to eat, but you and I both know it's not the same. So MANY things are not the same. And it justs makes me a little melancholy. I've prayed and wished for such a long time to be free of my addictive behaviour towards food, and you know what they say "Be careful what you wish for?!"

I still think this operation is the best thing I ever did, even as I drink yet another Up & Go and struggle with a general lack of protein. Today my throat is killing me, I'm exhausted and a tad bereft, but I guarantee you my relationship with hot chips has changed permanently and for the better lol.

What I Like To Call The "T4 Rebellion"

2007-11-06T18:15:00.000+09:00

I'm well known for calling my gastric sleeve the Teeny Tiny Tummy Tube. AKA T4. Today, T4 well and truly got one up on me - I actually vomited in public for the first time EVER! Aaaargh. Not nice. I was supposed to catch up with a friend, who cancelled due to being seriously unwell, and rather than just stay home I thought I would go to the movies. No problems there, saw a movie, drank my water, browsed around the shops. THEN, foolish girl that I am, I decided to try something to eat from the foodhall...

Note to self: Hot chips from Nandos are NOT the same as watered down mushy mashed potatoes.

Exactly six chips later I felt an alarming agony in my chest region and knew the gig was up. Scarpered from Nandos, leaving the rest of my lovely chips, and started heading for the bus stop. Walk a few steps groaning, vomit. Walk a few steps burping, vomit. Walk a few steps saying "This is NOT a $%#^ joke, you are a $%#& idiot", smile apologetically at the nice man skirting my latest pile o' bile. Managed to get on the bus and travel without throwing up (thank you Lord), once off the bus I totally lost what was left in my stomach, in the process taking off a layer of my throat inside. Then had to walk 1.5km home. Slowly. Still burping and cursing but otherwise okay.

I am so annoyed with myself for getting complacent, second-guessing the experiences of other sleevers and banders, and thinking that the worst was over. For crying out loud, Lil - get with the program. This is a tool, not a solution. This is a weight loss surgery not a body re-invention.

My new mantra - slow and mushy wins the race.

In Local News

2007-11-05T15:31:00.000+09:00

So, yesterday I was inducted into the sleeve gastrectomy Hall of Fame. By that, I mean I suffered from my first honorary excrutiating piercingly painful moment of indigestion - and MAN, you blokes weren't kidding when you said it sucked. OW. I had cruised along for almost a week, feeling slightly virtuous and fab, wondering what the big deal was about indigestion. Last night I faithfully mashed up my delicious fish and vegies, ignoring the potato and garlic stiry fry the other folk were enjoying with their fish...until the cockiness overcame me and I reached for two tiny cubes of the potato. Mistake. Big mistake. Although I tried to chew them to mush, those two cubes of potato got stuck in my chest and brought tears to my eyes - thank God for Degas. I had to leave the table and walk around the back garden til the pain subsided.

Let that be a lesson to me!! Do not be greedy, do not attempt too much too soon, and do not eat anything that hasn't been put in front of me!

The Pureed Life

2007-11-04T12:58:00.000+09:00

Today I am still on Cloud Nine, and you know what the problem is with clouds...they're kinda flimsy and there's a looooong way to fall off them lol. I struggle with the dark thoughts that say "this is all too easy, something's gonna go wrong, any minute now you'll find yourself throwing up...what if, what if, what if..."

It goes to show that the main struggle in this journey, as we all know too darn well, is with the stuff we have in our head, NOT the stuff we put in our tummies. But the main benefit to this surgery is that I can focus my energy on the junk food swimming around my head now I am not consumed with forcing junk food down my gob!! I remember saying to Gorgeous Jon at the beginning that I wanted to know for sure, 100%, that my body was NOT HUNGRY, that it was my heart, my mind, my soul, my spirit that needed the nourishment. It makes everything clearer.

I had a chai tea and a mashed banana for breakfast and then made myself a mango lassi for lunch. Lassi is just a fancy showy-offy world traveller way to say smoothy ha ha!! In India, of course, the Lassis come with hmmm, shall we say herbal enhancements??!! Definitely none of that in mine, I have enough problems dealing with reality thank you very much!

Went to the markets and bought some red emperor fish for everyone for dinner, which I think we will do on the barbecue. I have some mashed vegies left from yesterday so I'm planning to mash up some of the fish and have it with the vegies for my dinner. Man, I am craving savouries something chronic...I have always been more of a savoury eater, not a chocoholic or sweet freak. Give me pizza, burgers, chips... I have to say, I'm thrilled to have a healthier style of eating but one of these days I will order a teeny tiny cheeseburger meal and put it happily into my teeny tiny tummy tube! Well...half of it anyway!!

Weigh In & Measure

2007-11-03T16:49:00.000+09:00

This morning my weight is 154kg, meaning I've lost 2 kg since I went into surgery. How much does a stomach weigh anyway?? Probably 500g or so, meaning the rest is fat loss - hooray! I am feeling AMAZING, I still can't get used to the fact that the amounts of food I consume are so tiny... I'm focusing on eating and drinking really slowly, tiny amounts at a time, and I stop as soon as I start to feel full. Then sometimes I will try a little more, and other times I stop. I haven't felt nauseous at all, and no heartburn or indigestion - which could be the Somac they prescribed me at the hospital. My dressings have started to come off, and the wounds seem to be healing fine - the drainage site is a bit red and inflamed but my mom the ex-nurse says it's all good.

Did my measurements today for calorieking.com.au and thought I would record them here also.
AREA/DATE/MEASUREMENT----DATE/MEASUREMENT
Neck - Oct 4 / 39cm ----Nov 3 / 37cm (loss of 2cm)
Bust - Oct 4 / 145cm----Nov 3 / 144cm (loss of 1cm)
Waist - Oct 4 / 132cm ----Nov 3 / 130cm (loss of 2cm)
Hip - Oct 4 / 161cm ---- Nov 4 / 159cm (loss of 2cm)
Thigh - Oct 4 / 84cm ---Nov 4 / 84cm (same)
Calf - Oct 4 / 64cm -----Nov 4 / 62.5cm (loss of 1.5cm)

Surgery - Day Three & Four

2007-11-01T13:42:00.000+09:00

On Wednesday, I waited and waited and waited for Gorgeous Jon to come check on me to see if I could have the rest of my drips and drain taken out, and if I could start on clear fluids. Finally he came in around 12 and pronounced me brilliantly recovered - YAY!! He ordered me to put my TEDs stockings back on (boooooo) for a week and said he would check on me Thurs morning and if my OBs were okay I would be checking out.

After GJ left my fave nurse Emma came in and brought thin chicken broth and lemonade - oh my god, manna from Heaven...the saltiness of the soup was divine. After that Emma supervised a student nurse Lisa to take out my drips and the drainage tube from my abdomen. I ain't gonna lie to ya - taking that long tube out HURT. I felt SO SORRY for the student nurse, cause the tube was stubborn and resisting her gentle pulling, and I could tell she thought a rush of blood and guts was imminent he he. Once that was gone I had a shower, changed, laid down and went to sleep for two hours - hooray. The simple joy of being able to turn on my side to sleep instead of my back, and to be able to move without tubes and bottles.

Once I got rid of the drip I was on oral Panadol and only took two tablets the whole of Wednesday and none so far today. I really have no pain at all, except when I bend down or otherwise irritate the tummy area which makes me twinge a bit. I had jelly for dinner Wednesday and green tea, as well as my sips of water, and then had a fruit smoothie (yummo) and tea for breakfast as well as an apple juice. Now, I am HOME! And it's awesome, although I was terrified to leave the hospital at first. Not that I said anything to anyone (: But inside I was worrying "what if I get a leakage, an infection, what if I throw up..." Really, I am just taking it easy testing out my new teeny tiny tummy tube. Had soup when I got home (about 150ml) and then a few spoonfuls of icecream just cause I could! It was actually on the nourishing fluids menu at the hospital so I didn't feel too guilty.

There were a lot of things I noticed about the ways in which surgeons do the procedure and the post-op. I shared the SNU with a Gorgeous Jon sleever and then shared a room with a Dr Cohen sleever, and there were a few differences in the way things are done. When I'm more up to it I will write about these differences, cause it showed me that I was really really happy with my choice of surgeon, even though Dr Cohen trained GJ and is massively successful doing both bands and sleeves.

Anyway - THANK YOU to everyone who emailed, posted, sent flowers, cards, texts. The support makes all the difference, even though in the end we have to face up to our fears and go into the surgery all alone, knowing people are caring about you makes the journey to the other side so much easier. Love from Lil and the Teeny Tiny Tummy Tube xxxx

Surgery - Day Two

2007-11-01T13:28:00.000+09:00

The Special Nursing Unit (SNU) was wicked, having staff all to yourself, where in the rest of the hospital there are a lot of student nurses and doctors, and in general everyone is short staffed and super busy. The SNU gets more resources because the patients who need close monitoring are there. I was in overnight, went back to my room at 1pm Tuesday. Most of Tuesday morning was spent getting up and about (ouch), having a shower (niiiiice), and watching TV. So many cooking shows!? Did I mention that I am STARVING?? I progressed from ice chips to water sips - 30ml every hour (the size of a medicine cup). I walked around as much as possible, trying to avoid the dreaded DVTs. Loved the SNU because there was always something happening, and I was closest to the door and the desk so I could indulge my Gemini nosiness and listen to everyone gossipping. My mum came in to visit for a couple of hours while I was in the SNU and I dozed on and off (sorry mum!!). I took a heap of books, MP3 players, craft but until late Tuesday afternoon I couldn't concentrate on anything, so just had the TV on and slept intermittently. Meanwhile, still having OBs (which went from hourly to four hourly) and a Heparin injection in the belly every 12 hours.

Before I left SNU I got one of my three drips taken out (the one under my wrist which I think was for monitoring blood pressure and administering pain relief through the PCA button). After that I had some Panadol in my drip every five hours or so, which was plenty to take the edge off. I had some shoulder tip pain, which improved when I started walking around and sitting up - and BURPING ha ha! Tuesday arvo I briefly met my room-mate Jenny, who was just about to go in for a lap sleeve. She went into surgery and then the SNU so I was on my own until lunchtime Wednesday.

Had a few visitors Tuesday afternoon/evening and started a bit of cross-stitching, read a little. I was starting to feel more alert and able to understand how amazing and exciting this thing is that I have done!! Until then, I really hadn't looked at the potential weight loss - not for a long time. I'd been too preoccupied with getting the money through to pay for the surgery, and doing the Optifast, and hoping that the surgery wouldn't be impossible due to my scarring. Gorgeous Jon said another inch lower and it would have been NO GO, most of my scar tissue is around the lower bowel area.

Anyway...onto Day Three

Surgery - Day One

2007-11-01T13:14:00.001+09:00

Well, I am finally "on the other side" as they say, and have been lap-sleeved since 7pm Monday night. It's now 2 and a bit days later and I feel like a million bucks! Seriously! I felt like crap the first night, sore and cranky on Day One but since then have been on nourishing fluids (smoothies, ice cream, juice, tea, soup) and got discharged from hospital this morning. For anyone interested in the process I'm going to break the process down into bits & pieces. There is so much waiting around...aargh.

DAY ONE - Monday 29 Oct
Arrived at hospital 11am, got taken to my room around 11.30am - though I had asked for an paid extra for a private, they don't guarantee it apparently, and Mercy is VERY busy right now. The other bed was unoccupied for about the half the time I was there anyway. No biggie. Room has a lovely view over leafy Mt Lawley, staff all awesome. Had my shower with antibacterial soap and got into my gown and stockings by 1:30. Nurse Jerry came in and put Bactoban ointment up my nostrils (antiseptic, for the tubes?), injected me with Heparin (blood thinner)took all my vitals, asked the usual questions (name, DOB, operation). Eventually I went down to the pre-op room, where I laid for about 5 mins and then two more nurses separately asked me the name, DOB, operation type questions. Theatre nurse took me into theatre, where my anaesthetist came in and chatted, and Gorgeous Jon also stopped by. Dr Swan the anaesthetist said "Now, I'm going to put something in your arm to..." and that was all I knew for the FOUR HOUR PROCEDURE. Yikes. Now usually, it doesn't take more than an hour and a half, but I had extensive scar tissue from a previous surgery so it took longer. Meanwhile, my family were freaking out a bit, but I was happily snoozing away.

Out of surgery, I came to briefly in the recovery room, where some nurse hassled me about my face being red and was that because I had hives??!!! Tried to give her a smart alecky answer but the oxygen mask and general wooziness cramped my style! Next time I woke up it was 7:45pm and I was in the Special Nursing Unit (SNU) and my hubby and mum were there. Apparently I looked dreadful (thanks guys) and felt like my throat was gonna crack. I remember saying "I can't breathe, I can't breathe", as I sucked on oxygen, and Nurse Emma (who became my favourite nurse at Mercy) was saying "Your oxygen's fine love, just relax". The first night was a long one, just with dozing on and off, and having my obs (pulse, BP, O2 levels) taken every hour.

Grief

2007-10-28T14:28:00.000+09:00

The last few days have been a nightmare... I truly feel as though my closest, most long-lasting friendship is ending - the one I have with food. I'm committed to this surgery, I know it's the only way I can survive, but I'm sad at the thought that I will have a different relationship with food from now on. SO many times I have shared with food, both good and bad. It will never be the same again, and that's good, that's healthy, but I feel bereft. It's weird and pathetic. I need to look at food as the kind of toxic friend that sometimes needs to be kicked out of our lives...

Moving On Up

2007-10-23T21:31:00.000+08:00

Okay, so I have spoken to self sternly and am now back on track. Strict week of Optifast before my surgery next week, so far I am suffering a little from the readjustment but nowhere near as difficult as the first time I started Opti six weeks ago. As for the surgery... Yikes - only 6 sleeps to go!! I am occupying myself with lists - what to cook and buy before I go in, what to take with me, what I need to get finished at work before my 2 weeks off. I've bought a portable dvd player on ebay and am hoping to get some quality watching in during my 3/4 day stay at Mercy. Also am filling two mp3 players with meditations, music, etc. Thursday is my clothes shopping day, as I am in desperate need of new underwear!!! Also hope to pick up some cheapish pjs, saw some in the Big W catalogue.

My cheque arrived yesterday from REST, my superannuation company, and it will pretty much cover the rest I need to pay. $14,000 - thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am relieved they didn't withhold any, except for the compulsory 21.5% tax. I've paid for an express clearance on the cheque so I can get bank cheques made up on Thursday - one for the anaesthetist, one for the hospital and one for Gorgeous Jon & Co.

Looks like it's all systems GO, and I will be sleeved by this time next week and no longer hungry - whoopee!

Falling Off The Wagon

2007-10-20T17:53:00.000+08:00

Aaaaargh. Major black hole alert. Have fallen off the pre-surgery Optifast wagon more than once this week, and am determined to get back on track. I've chosen poorly when it comes to food, and more alarmingly, I have binged three times - not as massive as my pre-pre-surgery binges, but just the fact that the urge is still there makes me so angry. Or is it anger that brings on the urge?? I have so many conflicting emotions about this process, even though I know it's the right thing - THE ONLY THING...and I am premenstrual...the combination of factors has really thrown a spanner in the works.

I am determined to be 100% committed to my last week on Optifast - I know it will make the surgery easier, my recovery will be easier, and the shock to my system won't be so severe if I am partly adjusted to NOT eating. Trying really really hard not to get depressed, angry, upset, frustrated cause all those things make me want to binge more... wish I could get part of my brain removed along with part of my stomach (:

Countdown

2007-10-16T09:02:00.000+08:00

Had my last pre-op appointment with Gorgeous Jon yesterday, which went fairly well. Have only lost 4.5kg since I saw him one month ago, he wanted ten kg - I am planning to shift another few kg by the 29th when I go under the scalpel!! Also saw Janet, the pre-op admission nurse, who was mega-nice and told me all about the pain relief options - yay! Gorgeous Jon is being ultra-cautious and warned me that there is a 50/50 chance that my scar tissue from peritonitis might stop him doing the procedure, but Nurse Janet seemed to think it was unlikely to be a problem, as I haven't had issues with the scarring before. Fingers crossed!! I can't imagine waking up in recovery and finding out that NOTHING had changed and I would have to go on Reductil or back onto Xenical... I feel sick just thinking about still being trapped in this horrifying, sad, uncomfortable body...

On a brighter note I had my third session at Contours last night and I'm loving it. The women there are supportive and the workouts are fast and fun. Will definitely keep going.

One Month On Optifast - Photos

2007-10-12T19:46:00.001+08:00

Sept 170kg Oct 158kg

Sept 170kg Oct 158kg

I really think my stomach looks smaller!!

Hooray For Contours!

2007-10-12T18:19:00.000+08:00

Went and joined up at Contours yesterday and had the BEST workout. I used to have a personal trainer, and went to the gym a lot, it really was the most fun I ever had while exercising - to have that feeling back, even only for 29 minutes a session lol, is wonderful. I'm planning to go at least three times a week, hopefully up to five times, except for a short time away while I am post-surgery. The women who run the place are gorgeous, and the girls-only atmosphere really suits me. My last gym was the base for Perth's triathlete community and there were always a stack of sweaty blokes there hogging the rowing machine.

For those who don't know, Contours is a unique concept (similar to the Curves chain, out of America) whereby they combine cardio and weights into one workout, with 45 second spells on weight machines and rebounders. I used to do a lot of circuit trainer with my personal trainer, and Contours is a low-key version of that. No time to get bored, the music blares out and there is an announcement every 45 seconds saying "Change stations"!! The weight machines are different to Curves, in that they aren't hydraulic so you use your muscles to lift and to lower (rather than the machine pulling the weight back to its starting place). Love it, love it, love it - although my calf muscles are screaming today ha ha!

My scales are currently out of action, thanks to Uber Hubby dripping water all over them while shaving... so I won't be able to weigh in tomorrow. I feel fairly similar to last week, maybe a kilo lighter but not much. Oh well. I'm sure the weight is going down anyway. I just can't wait to have my procedure and let the lap sleeve help me feel full.

Guardian Angels

2007-10-11T08:47:00.000+08:00

Such a lot has happened since my last post I hardly know where to start! Firstly, I've been visited by a guardian angel, Divine Dayle, a fellow lap-sleever who has kindly given me her TENS stockings for my surgery, saving me the cost and time of getting some made. I can't thank her enough - you rock Dayle!! I also feel like having the stockings of a successful lap-sleever (Dayle's procedure was done with Gorgeous Jon in Feb) is a lucky charm. Hooray! I love the way that life brings awesome people into our lives when we most need, and least expect them.

I spent Tuesday afternoon ay Mercy with my "crew" - dietician Laura, bariatric assessor Hemah and exercise physio Sue. They are all fab ladies, with support and advice to burn, and although I was totally knackered by the end of the day I felt even more committed to having the surgery and FINALLY curing my weight problem. Got a bit of a kick in the teeth when I got home and found a letter from my super company saying that they will not be able to release the full amount I need for the surgery - aaargh. I'm going to be 5 - 10 grand short, so I am starting to apply for finance, call in favours and grovel to family members! For a while I thought maybe it's not meant to be, that I should wait 11 months til my Medibank Private membership will pay for it...but honestly, how much heavier will I be by then?? I've been losing weight with Optifast, but truthfully my willpower is waning and without the idea of the surgery in a couple of weeks, I feel like I would slip back.

One way or another I am going to have this procedure done, and start getting my life back. I don't have unreasonable goals, simply to be under 100kg would be a huge relief, and by all accounts it's within reach - WITH THE LAP SLEEVE. Not on my own, with optifast, trying to get my fat ass out of bed to walk every morning, feeling constantly tired and hungry. I can't do that anymore. I just have to find the money. I trust that the universe will provide it somehow, and that come Oct 29th I will paid up and ready to go.

Wish me luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Prize Winning Calf

2007-10-08T18:41:00.000+08:00

Actually "prize" is the wrong word...maybe "record-breaking calf" is a better description! Called to organize my TENS compression stockings with the Medical Supplies place this morning with my ankle and calf measurements and LITERALLY the guy was struck dumb, and then went "oh" in a tiny voice, before putting his hand over the phone and muttering to a manager or someone for a while...he eventually came back on and said "Are you sure those measurements are correct?" and when I said yes, he informed me that the biggest size they had would be too small and some special ones would have to be made!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my god. It takes a lot to embarrass me, I'm kind of used to being the biggest person in the room, etc, etc, but when a MEDICAL SUPPLIES place freaks out about your size, well, it's kind of demoralising! AND, because I can't buy them ready made they will cost around $250 - which I know, I know, is definitely better than carking it from a DVT.

But still!!

The most annoying thing is, I'll only wear them once as I NEVER intend to have shock-worthy, record-breaking calves ever again. So tomorrow, with my three hospital appointments and my stocking purchase I will be down almost $2000. Ouch. But it is the best investment I'll ever make, I'm sure of it. In a few months I will be saying "Worth every cent, even those damn stockings".

Weight and Measurements

2007-10-05T13:57:00.000+08:00

Weighed in this morning, a day early due to the fact that I am staying at a friend's place tonight so will be away from my scales tomorrow. I've lost 1.5kg in the week, which is not enough, and a little disappointing, but IT IS BETTER THAN A GAIN!

So my weight stands now at 158.7kg

Took some measurements today, it being a month since I began Optifast. Didn't take them at the start (doh), but will measure myself every month from now on, to supplement the kilos lost. My measurements are:

Neck - 39cm
Bust - 145cm
Waist - 132cm
Hip - 161cm
Thigh - 84cm
Calf - 64cm

I talked to the pre-admission nurse today, who asked me for my calf measurements - apparently they are so large that the hospital doesn't carry TENS stockings big enough and I have to purchase them privately (another $100)!! Next week I have my assessment day, where I see the dietician, bariatric assessor and the exercise physiologist - and that day I need to pay $1500. After that is the big one, when on surgery day Oct 29 I need to pay $17,000 approx upfront. Obviously you can't carry that around in cash he he... I guess I will need to organise a bank cheque (note to self - ask Clinic next week).

I am alternating between being petrified/nauseous and excited/psyched. I think this month is going to pass by in a blur of adrenalin.

Tiny Victories

2007-10-04T05:04:00.000+08:00

Wow. This morning I decided to try and fit into my size 26 jeans (my favourites), and lo and behold I got them on perfectly! I haven't been able to do them up for a long time, since 150kg-ish I think. I never thought I would be so happy to fit into a size 26! Welcome back jeans!

Another victory this week is that APRA have approved my superannuation claim, which means that I should be able to get $18,000 (minus tax) from REST in the next couple of weeks. I called them and they didn't seem to think it would be a problem - hooray! Once tax comes out I will still be a couple of grand short but should be able to make up the shortfall myself or with family loans. It really hit me yesterday that I was going to hospital in three weeks, and I would have a massive permanent change - slightly terrifying... I am still massively excited, and convinced that it's the right thing to do, but the enormity of it hadn't hit me til yesterday (when I realised I would get the money to pay for it).

I was rambling on to my family yesterday about whether Mercy Hospital rent TVs to patients and whether I should buy a portable DVD player to take in, and I said without thinking "I wonder what the food's like"!!!! We all looked at each other for a second and burst out laughing - I guess that's one question that won't be important for me.

On Saturday I will weigh in and take a couple of progress photos as it's been a month since I started on Optifast. I am trying to amp it up a little, walking my dog every morning as well as walking to and from the bus stop/work. Really committed to being 145kg by the time I go under the laparoscope.

A Pinch & A Punch

2007-10-01T13:14:00.000+08:00

Oh my goodness, it's October already. Wow. I may as well start an official countdown to my surgery - 28 sleeps to go woo hoo!!!!!

I am having some issues at work, trying to decide if it's the right job, right workplace for me... but this weekend I have realised that now is not the time to make that kind of a change. So, if possible, I will hang in there until Christmas and then re-address the situation. There are a lot of benefits to my job right now:

I like a lot of what I do (publications, admin)
Mostly, I get on well with my colleagues
They are fine with me having 2 weeks sick leave for my operation & recovery
My clinic and hospital are just down the road from work
I travel 3 hours a day on public transport, which I intend to start using positively, working on some inner-health stuff (meditation, etc) to help in my recovery
It's a sedentary job so I will hopefully be able to return to work sooner after surgery

I suppose the bottom line, as with many things, is my attitude. Not having food to "medicate" my emotions with over the last three weeks has made my stress and moods seem SO much worse. The job hasn't changed, or my workplace - just me. And that's okay. This is a massive life-altering thing I am doing, and there's bound to be a period of adjustment.

So my plan for the month is to keep my head down and focused on my work, ignoring petty crap, making sure I am as well-prepared as possible for the 29th of October. Started making a shopping list for the time I will be admitted and the recovery time at home, and joined Bigpond Movies so I can order some DVDs to keep me entertained! I am kind of looking forward to the "ME TIME" he he he.

Show Day

2007-09-29T15:49:00.000+08:00

B and I went to the Royal Show today and I decided that I would relax my VLCD for the day and have a shake for breakfast and dinner but eat something different at the Show. Kind of like a "last stand" I suppose, before my lap sleeving next month! I knew that already my tastes and body have changed so I wouldn't feel like having anything super high fat like the old days (eg: Dagwood Dog, chips, toffee apple, waffles...). Also, the great thing about the Show is all the walking! We went at least two or three kilometres all up, even though it was stop and start and a slow pace I felt good about the exercise. I ended up having corn on the cob with butter, salt and pepper, a fruit icypole and a roast beef roll throughout the five hours we were there - and I am damn proud of myself I didn't overdo it.

Weighed in this morning at 160.2kg - a loss of just 800g ): It's not surprising, considering I went off the rails this week. Also I am retaining fluid in my usual monthly fashion (if you know what I mean!), so I feel confident of another good loss next week. At least the scales are going down - the direction they are going PERMANENTLY.

Changed my blog title from Lap Band to Lap Sleeve, now that I am committed to the lap tube gastrectomy.

La La La

2007-09-27T15:41:00.000+08:00

*twiddling thumbs*

Bit of a ho hum mood. Almost at the end of Week Three on Optifast, and I must confess that this week has been a slack one. I had sandwiches for lunch on Tuesday (catering for our Board Meeting) then came home craving pizza on Wednesday but satisfied myself with making spag bol and having mostly meat hardly any nasty white carb pasta... I don't expect to have lost much this week.

Haven't heard from APRA yet, of course - I am hopeful to get an answer sometime next week but as long as the money comes through before 29 Oct I'll be happy.

APRA & Early Release Super

2007-09-25T19:26:00.000+08:00

Finally got all the paperwork together for my claim to APRA for early release of my superannuation - the application ended up being 12 pages long! I faxed it through and posted it and now the process begins of waiting and keeping my fingers crossed. I have one concern and that is that I need almost the entire amount I have in super ($18,000) and from what I have heard the super funds like you to leave some in there. Maybe they will only give me some of it... then I need to apply to my husband's super fund, or refinance a personal loan with the bank. Not for a second have I questioned the process, though. I need this surgery now, not in 12 months when my health insurance waiting period is up. By then I could easily have gained 20-50kg - why not find the money now and LOSE 20-50kg in the same time period??

I am so scared that my superannuation fund won't give me any money at all, which I know they have done in the past to other claimants. They're one of the funds that are known to be painful about early release. Just trying to think positive, and trust that the universe will provide.

Another Day, Another Weigh

2007-09-21T12:48:00.000+08:00

Weigh In this morning and I am an even 161kg - so nine kilos lighter than when I started this journey 2 weeks ago. Pretty happy with that! I am aiming to be 145kg by my surgery date, which averages out to about 3kg a week - totally doable.

I have a new exercise incentive (see photo). She is an abandoned stray named Scruff, about 7 years old, and hubby and I have been walking her 2/3 times every day. Gets us out of the house and she loves it.

Other news - I have a shocking cold and am feeling like eating eating eating. I know it's just emotional hunger, as my shakes and vegies are taking care of the nutrients...but damn if it doesn't feel just as legitimate as real physical hunger. I can't wait to have the lap tube and to know 100% that my stomach is full, so therefore if I'm hungry it's my soul that's empty.

Love & luck to all

Lil xxxx

I Got Myself A Date!!!

2007-09-17T15:37:00.000+08:00

Oh my god, whoever would have thought I'd be EXCITED to go to hospital! I have been accepted for lap tube gastrectomy surgery on October 29th - all going well with the pre-surgery appointments and my six week VLCD.

YAY!

I weighed in at Dr Jon's at 162.8kg, which means I have theoretically lost more weight. But it's just the discrepancy in scales - I will keep mine weighing heavier so that when I go to the Doc's I won't get a rude shock. My only problem will be if Gorgeous Jon puts in his laporoscope and the scarring from my abdominal surgery (aged 7) is too severe for him to do the procedure. It has happened, apparently, but it's rare. It happened to him the other day, the poor woman must have been devastated to go through everything only to have him unable to complete the surgery (in that case a lapband).

OH MY GOD, I AM ACCEPTED!!

New Scales

2007-09-15T17:10:00.001+08:00

Finally got some bathroom scales that can weigh me and I came in at 166.2kg. I think I have lost about 4 kg in my week on Optifast, so I reckon my estimate of my weight at 170kg was pretty accurate. I am thrilled that I've done so well on my first week on Optifast. I've never done a meal replacement diet before, even though I have tried pretty much everything else there is... I really thought I would be hungry all the time, which I'm not. I have added a bit of protein here and there, though, like last night I had a rasher of bacon with the fat cut off and an egg and ate that as I drank my shake. I've read that some Optifasters (esp in America) add protein powder to their shakes, so I don't think it's a problem. I will check all this on Monday when I visit Gorgeous Jon at Mercy...I can't wait to have my first official appointment and finally get started.

166.2kg and going down!!!!!!!

Before Photos

2007-09-14T15:39:00.000+08:00

ONE - The last time I was a "normal" weight, 65kg, height 173cm. It was 1986 and I was sixteen, going to a Ball. Who knows WHAT was with my Princess Di head tilt!!!

TWO - 1992, London. The aunty I stayed with called me fat SO many times. I was about 85kg wearing size 18.

THREE - Amalfi Coast, Italy. Same trip as above. I love this photo of myself. I hope I get back that sense of freedom and possibility, though I think some of it disappears with age!

FOUR - Blue Ridge Mountains, USA. Why are all my favourite healthy photos of me travelling??? I guess I did travel a lot in those days. Before seat belt extender entered my vocabulary...1995, 100kg ish

FIVE- Sept 2007, just when I started Optifast in preparation for gastric surgery, band or sleeve. Around 170kg I think.

SIX - Denver, Colorado USA. Jeez I was a mess. By then I weighed around 125kg and was tired and asthmatic.

I have decided to move these photos into a post for now, until there is something to compare them to, maybe? For some reason, I don't want to see them every time I log in, even though they are a terrific incentive not to eat ha ha!! Also, I have added some photos of when I was healthier and smaller, also as an incentive. The photo next to my underwear shots was taken only 3 years after the one above it...amazing what a broken heart does to ya.

Officially Disabled?

2007-09-12T21:57:00.000+08:00

Over here in Perth we have new(ish) buses that do a lot of the public transport routes - they have these fancy ramps that extend out and the bus lowers down in order for wheelchair passengers to roll onboard. This morning I was waiting for the bus as usual and when it pulled up I was surprised to see the bus slowly lower down, and the ramp extended. You can see where I'm going with this... Anyway... I looked over my shoulder and moved to the side to allow the "disabled" person to get on first. NO DISABLED PERSON THERE. Oh my god, it hits me that the bus driver, bless him, had made it easy for ME to get on the bus!!!!!!!!! ME!!! I have never ever thought of myself as being handicapped or disabled by my weight, even though it's not exactly a "bonus" lol.

I sat on the bus not knowing whether to laugh or cry - ended up laughing which is my usual trick. And you know what, it really DID make it easier to step onto the bus, cause some mornings I really have to HEFT myself up that step!